equinox

tomorrow (or i guess technicall today, now) is the equinox. it's also a new moon in pisces, and i can feel the energy building to create a shift in my life. i spent the last several days in a cabin on kentucky lake with dustin and ivy (and ivy's girlfriend, hannah) and it feels dreamy and strange to be back, so i don't want to take any steps forward in this moment, but i'm hoping it's just a lack of sleep that's got me shaky.

i really think things are going places with alex. i stayed at his house saturday and we both had work at 11, but I had to go home first because I forgot to pack work pants. he kept asking me, "you can't just wear that skirt to work? you're sure?" and it was really sweet. he was kinda beat up from the show (he played that night and was also pretty active in the pit) so afterwards we just went back to his place and he laid back on me on the couch and let me play with his hair. he played with the runs in my tights and we were just quiet together. tonight i bumped into him while i was grabbing coffee and working, and he told me about how "i'm gonna love" the cabins he and his family built up near jasper since i liked camping this week. it's early in knowing him but things seem to be moving in a relationship-y direction and right now it feels very sincere and sweet to be with him.

i'm feeling wonderful, physically. i'm being really careful about what food and drink i put into my body and being conscious about the choices i'm making with my activity level. i'm hoping this weather stays nice so i can get back on my bike. i always feel better when i'm riding on a daily basis and i think that will help me balance the panic i get about spending all day sitting at a computer or standing at the front desk at the salon.

it was kind of weird to be with ivy and dustin again for the first time in so long, but it was good. i was surprised because i felt more connected to dustin than to ivy this time. she just got so angry any time i talked about dana (who i spend more time with than ivy these days) and i didn't know how to handle it. i don't know. ivy and hannah were also having some issues i guess, and ivy's ferret binx just died, but it was still strange and a little uncomfortable. but dustin and i connected a little bit and he said he was glad we were hanging again because he was worried that we hadn't spent time together since i moved back and that i was getting along so well with other people at PG.

it's weird to hear all these people who aren't active in my daily life say how proud they are of me, how much they love my work, or that they are impressed by my networking. to me it feels like i just have my head down and am trying desperately to keep making and being and connecting without losing my shit. it is nice to have people tell me they're noticing what i'm doing. and it's nice to realize that, in general, i am so much happier than i've been in a very long time. in evansville. because of that, a lot of things feel possible. it's amazing to look back to six months ago to the new moon on september 23  that catapulted this idea of buying a press and moving here, and to see how much progress i've made already.

overload but in a good way

life in indiana has been surprisingly great. i'm busy all the time, i fell like i'm eating about 20% of what i should be, i'm exhausted all the time, my period is like 4 days late so i'm stressing over that, my room is a shit hole, i have so much laundry to do that it's probably going to take me all night tonight and all night tomorrow, but things are generally good.

i spend so much time doing what i love lately that it makes things ok. and when i'm not busting my ass at solaris or working on my design stuff, i hang out at PG with a bunch of cool people and listen to seriously mindblowing music that i had no idea could come from evansville. people at PG tell me how cool they think i am, they seek ME out and come say hi to me, they buy me drinks and invite me places and make me feel welcome. last night at PG i met a girl who started following me on instagram back when i still lived in Chicago and has been desperately waiting to meet me out and about so she could tell me how much she loves my work and ask me to do business cards for her. i have clients literally rolling in faster than i can deal with them, which is getting me a lot of exposure and bringing in a lot of cash. i love the girls i work with so fucking much, and no one else wants to put up with our bosses' collective bullshit, so it's good to have someone to vent to about that crap. im signing a lease in a few weeks for a retail commercial space downtown between 2nd and 3rd street on carpenter, subleasing from an incredibly sweet woman next to her fabric shop (called Grateful Threads--hilarious). and i've also been seeing someone named alex who is sweet and tall and strong, which makes things nice. we're still getting to know each other, but we have an amazing physical chemistry (like i was mad at myself because my casual sex friend in chicago and i had amazing sex i thought i'd never top with anyone i actually had an intimate connection with--and alex and i already have even though we've only been fooling around) and last night he put his arm around me and kissed me in front of a couple of his friends, which he hadn't done before. 

i'm incredibly excited for this spring. alex and i have been talking about doing yoga together and riding bikes on the greenway passage once the weather stays warm, and i'm feeling pretty good about myself as a person lately.

i just felt like this site needed an update from me. promise not to be a stranger so much in the future.

moving (again)

i feel like i haven't written in forever, and it always seems like i end up writing when i have something very important to do that i'd rather put off for another half hour. this time, it's packing and getting ready to move (again). I can't even remember if i posted on here about the fact that i'm moving home, but i am; i bought a press last week and have been getting all my things in order to move back into my parents' house (sigh) and start my own little business.

i've been in a weird mood lately, i just don't want to talk to anyone (sorry i've been distant, blake--i feel distant even from myself right now.) i think it has a lot to do with the fact that winter has slipped its frigid noose around the city of chicago, but i also think that i need to talk to my doctor about upping my anxiety meds. the depression part hasn't been as bad lately (or maybe i'm just content with feeling sad about leaving chicago), but my anxiety has been off the charts. i can't even be in the same room when any of my roommates are eating or discussing something or singing, because the sound of food crunching or lips smacking/voices over each other/the phrase "i understand what you're saying, but _____" 100 times in one conversation (read: civilly-mannered argument) is enough to literally cause me to have a panic attack lately.

i don't know. big changes are happening, and i'm really excited by the prospect of getting to work for myself and being with gitsy and having access to a car and an indoor gym, but i'm also nervous. it's hard to choke down the fear of getting myself in way over my head some days, but other days i just want to be back in evansville and getting things sorted out. i think the hardest part right now is the waiting: my press is mine, but it's in storage until i find a place to rent out as retail/studio space. i can't rent out a space until i'm back in evansville and have a small business loan to help me out with startup costs. i can't get a loan until i finish my business plan. i can't finish my business plan until i come up with a name for my business, which is where i'm stuck right now, and (unfortunately for me) packing and making money has to come before brainstorming for the time being.

so, stress. but in a good way mostly. i have lots of etsy orders coming in, and i've made $63 in the past 4 days because of it. i have to do laundry today, but a lot of it is packing up clothes i know i'm not going to wear during my final 7 days (!!) in chicago. i'm looking around my room and realizing there's still a lot of work to be done today, so i'm going to go clean and pack now!

punk house

sorry, but if i do my chore wheel clean up (cleaning the stove and sink this week) every night, clean up my stuff in public areas when i go to bed, and immediately do my dishes and put them away after i eat, why exactly do i have to participate in a day-long house cleaning on saturday where we'll be "straightening up" stuff that isn't mine?

punk house life isn't agreeing with me right now; sam and leah (who have lived here 3 years) have monopolized the pantry and bathroom space. we have a small room that is all shelves and drawers for food and dishes, yet i have two tiny shelves (one of which i have to stand on a step stool to reach) for all of my food and dishes. the bathroom has a small shelving unit, lots of shelves inside the mirror, and a decent number of shelves above the toilet, yet i literally just have enough room to keep my shampoo, conditioner, face wash, and razor in the shower, and the rest of my stuff has to stay in a shower caddy in my closet. yeah, i have the biggest room, but i don't have a door, i have curtains. and the one door I do have is a restaurant-style swing door that leads straight into the pantry & kitchen, where it is constantly noisy & the door won't stay shut unless it locks from the pantry side.

ugh i'm just pissed. i'm so pissed.  there are constantly people in my space, sam keeps fucking touching me, leah is weird about where things go, and despite the fact that i spent about 6 hours scouring their filthy bathroom until it was sparkling last weekend, i somehow have to help straighten up their shit this weekend. i feel like they think i just lay around all day, when literally all of monday and most of yesterday was spent doing freelance work and embroidering stuff for etsy to make money.

ugh please let this feeling pass. once i get unpacked all the way & get my room straightened up i'm sure it'll be fine, but right now when i don't feel like my own space is inhabitable, it's just too much for me to deal with.

september already

when i moved into my new place almost two weeks ago, only one of my four roommates was here; sam was house-sitting for a friend, emily hadn't really moved in yet (except her stuff), and dan was (still is) in israel. it was just me and leah, who i get along with best of the group, and it was really peaceful. and then everyone got back (except dan), gitsy had to leave, and we decided to clean the house up. there's way too much furniture (nancy & eric, who just moved out, left a bunch of shit, including a queen and twin bed, a huge coffee table, and kitchen table, a gigantic armoire, and a bunch of random art supplies and building material), but with my ankle fucked up (oh yeah, i tore the muscle in my calf when a shelf fell on my leg & have internal bleeding and scary bruising in my leg rn) i opted to clean their DISGUSTING bathroom. literally, the tub was black when i started cleaning. 2 rolls of paper towels, 3 towels, a bottle of CLR, half a can of ajax, 6 steel wool pads, 3 sponges, and 3 swiffer pads later, and that place is sparkling white. i'm so proud, and i finally feel like a member of the house.

i'm the only one up right now, but last night we gave each other tarot readings and leah told me she'd bring me home some vegan ice cream from the ice cream shop where she works when she goes to work later. i think the plan is to go through the pantry and fridge & clean/re-allot spaces for everyone tonight, but this morning i have to do some design work & do a little embroidery before i can do anything. my etsy shop is doing well & i'm doing lots of good work for my clients with good responses, so things are ok right now even though i'm sad for my mom and sad that gitsy's not here.

i applied for a letterpress/graphic design job at this amazing print shop that is hiring in st. louis, so right now i'm trying to wrap my mind around the idea of possibly moving there, or possibly going to grad school. trying to keep all my options open i guess! september is always my favorite month, so i really hope that by this time in october, i'll have more of a concrete plan in front of me

moved

so i moved today, and as exhausting as it was, it really wasn't the end of the world. I assure you I will not be leaving this apartment until i find a job and have enough savings to pay movers (this day feels like it was 3 days long and my entire body aches) but i'm doing ok.

my mom and jaime drove up as a surprise to help me move, which was an absolute godsend if nothing more than for the fact the my mom was there when i got to the new place and had a major doubt meltdown. but more on that later! so mom and jaime got here at 230 and alea was there by 3. we ended up having to literally throw my mattress off the balcony, which pisses me off to no end, but we got it down. some random guy walking in the alley named jorge saw how pathetic it was for three girls to be struggling with heavy boxes and offered to help us out, free of charge, and managed to move a lot of heavy shit that took two to three of us to get into the new place, all by himself. he left before we were able to get his contact info, but i know his name and where he works and fully intend on delivering him a thank you and $50 when i make some money and am able to do so. tim came by around 630 and was also a big help.

the room in my new apartment was shared by two people, who both left a lot of stuff in my room, but leah and sam failed to mention this. so when i got to my room (in which i am supposed to squeeze my bed, tv, couch, desk, coffee table, vanity, and all of my other shit that essentially furnished daniella's & my entire apartment) i discovered that nancy had left her bed, her kitchen table, a gigantic red armoire (like ok that's awful but the fact that it was RED was adding insult to injury for me) and a whole bunch of shit in the closet. and for some reason, this was the tipping point for me. i saw my bed leaned up against hers and my shit thrown in the floor of the closet because she still has shelves and hangers and sheets in the way, and i was just hit with a flood of doubt and regret. and i'm pretty sure that if my mom wasn't there to just understand what i was feeling and talk me down, i would have had a complete meltdown and probably would be crying myself to sleep right now instead of being relatively calm about the whole situation.

mom and jaime had to leave around 830 or 9, when we were about halfway done unloading. after a hellacious assembly line load-in to the top floor of a four-flat (without the help of jorge's superstrength), we finally managed to get everything in my room. i drove everyone back to my old apartment with 2 people in the cab with me and three people in the actual uhaul on speakerphone with us (hilarious), returned the uhaul, and bought everyone dinner at jeri's grill. it was only $60 (a gratuitous tip included) for all of us to stuff ourselves (like most people got two meals) and for everyone except me to get desert (i had like 3 diet cokes & was sugared out), and we had a really good time just sitting around and laughing. so worth it, and it made me feel better about making all of these people haul my shit around all day.

tomorrow i have a ridiculously long day ahead of me which includes ditching all of nancy's stuff (eric was kind enough to at least put his in the other room), organizing the closet, assembling my couch and bedframe, and essentially making the place liveable, but i'm not setting an alarm because i worked my ass off and deserve to sleep in.

moving

tomorrow i'm moving and it's exhausting and sad and horrible. and it doesn't help that i don't feel built up by anyone i have a relationship with except blake. ross was too depressed to date me and has been fucking weird since (i just want my book back.) and i'm talking to another guy i met a pixfest who i really want to like but i'm just not feeling amazing about it anymore. my mom is dealing with her own issues and jaime's issues so i can't burden her & yet somehow feel like i am without really even saying much. daniella is being really awful to me and i just cant deal right now.

i just feel like everyone is draining me, and it makes me really sad because i thought things would be different by now. i thought i'd have a job and a little apartment and a boyfriend. and instead i got none of that. and i know i need to keep positive but it's just really hard right now. feeling like ross liked me felt amazing, and i know that i don't need other people to validate me but i liked that connection. and i'm glad that he said something to me and is not with me because i know he's depressed, and he would just be draining me too.

i don't know. everything is scattered right now. sorry for a scattered post