today a high school friend who i talk to a lot through facebook messages about design & music invited me to go to this camping music festival this summer, and it is super exciting to me that i might get to go; i love a lot of bands who might be playing and it's only $45 for several days of camping.
but i also immediately felt heartsick and guilty about the idea of going because of the fact that all of the other people he invited are close friends with dylan. and that means that dylan might go. or that even if he doesn't go, his friends would treat me like shit. or that even if his friends don't treat me like shit, they would tell him things about me that aren't his business.
i'm so fucking tired of feeling like this. like my hometown is somewhere i can't be myself because of all of the shit that happened between me and one! other! person! almost two years!!! ago. i don't understand the toxicity that exists around small town communities like that. thinking about this shit gets me confused and wound up and i'm just tired.
i've been reading a lot of osho lately, about how the conscious mind gets into the habit of dwelling, of replaying the past, and that getting in tune with your unconscious mind (meditation, essentially) is the only way to drag all the hidden shit out and just feel all of the emotions and let them go instead of trying to suppress and rationalize them. and i've been feeling really good because of that, because i've been studying and trying really hard to do that. i just need to stay in that mindset, to not let someone who i really don't like have this kind of control over my emotional state and my future plans.
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