caught

last night, i went to denny's with nathan and jaime at 1 am
without asking my parents
and we got caught
because the dogs got into chocolate
and then jumped on my mom and dad's bed.


i'm grounded for at least a week,
heavy chores and homework every day, nothing else allowed unless the house is spotless and all homework is completed.
no seeing boyfriend/friends.
straight to school and back home, nowhere else.

but they didn't take my phone or my ipod or my computer
so i can still communicate.


i'm more upset with myself than i am with my mom.
i deserve the punishment i've been given,
and it's not really that bad at all.

i don't think i was thinking; i was just hungry and decided to go on an impulse.
i had a panic attack when my mom called me and asked where the fuck we were
and i called dylan when she hung up on me three times in a row, then turned her phone off.
and i let him see the messed up part of me, that guilt monster.

in those moments, i'm a ruiner
and i didnt want him to see me that way.
it tears me apart how stupid and reckless and fucked up i am
when i'm like that.


so dylan,
i'm sorry.
i'm working on it.