what i realized today:

for the first time in a very VERY long time, i want things.
i want a new phone, the ipad, a quality camera, more puppy things, hair dye out the wazoo, new furniture, new clothing, new shoes. i want acrylic nails and i want to lose weight and i want to secrete indie vibes. i want to do my hair and makeup before i go to school. i want to learn, i want to finish my homework and then research things i don't know about. i want to read. i want to learn how to do a cartwheel. i want to look into dylan's eyes forever, i want to touch his ears, his wrists, his stomach. i want to watch him when he sleeps. i want to play with gitsy for hours and hours. i want to up and walk out of school. i want to steal street signs and spraypaint the science center and i want to eat subway cookies. i want to talk to people. i want love is the higher law and will grayson, will grayson. i want to drive to indianapolis to watch banksy's film with a girl i ABSOLUTELY hated six months ago. i want to thrive again. i have drive again.

this is what progress feels like.
this is what recovery feels like.


it's quite sad, actually.
i've been living for over a year, wanting nothing but to get by.
to fall into my bed at night and get enough sleep to get me through the next day.
i have been living a numb existence for a year now.

all i'm saying is,
you don't realize how much you've lost until you get it all back.