i'm back in my dorm after having spent three lovely nights in my old room, snuggling with my baby gitsy and soaking up the surreal normalcy that was being back in evansville. it's strange to think that a mere 14 hours ago i was lying in dylan's arms in my tiny twin bed, the fall sun leaking through my skyblue curtains casting our blue shadows against the now bare walls.
everything else is normal, though; it doesn't seem odd to me that gitsy is probably fast asleep in jaime's bed, having forgotten that i was ever there, that my room is empty, that my car is filled with my dad's and brother's things, stripped of its trademark bumper stickers. i don't know what to think of that; maybe it's a sign. for now, all i know is that as nice as it was to go home, it feels right to be here without those things i thrived on for so long, and it doesn't always feel right to be here without dylan.
i've adapted surprisingly well to the long-distance thing. i actually really like the personal space, as long as we have good communication (we do) and i get to see him every few weeks (i have). i still miss him, but it's manageable and it's okay. it just doesn't always seem right, and that's what makes me happy, honestly...if it seemed right for me to be here without him, i wouldn't give him the space in my life. amy and i talked for a long time this weekend and she was surprised we were still together, said that the next few months would be the test. she asked me if he was the one, and i hesitated. she said that meant he wasn't, that i'd know. but how can i know something like that? as my first boyfriend, i don't know anything other than the experiences i've shared with him. all i know is that i'm so, so happy when we're on good terms and the fact that something seems off about his not being here makes me know that he's supposed to be a part of my life, at least for now. the thing is, when we fight, sometimes i can't believe i'm with him. at least, that's how it was in the past...i feel like he has matured so much since we first started dating, and the way that he has been acting the past two weeks (applying for job after job, building his portfolio, thinking about colleges, saving money) gives me hope for our future together. i feel as though i can be more open with him about almost everything, which has been good. of course there are the few holds barred from past fights that keep me from openly discussing everything i want to for fear of wrecking this rhythm we've got going, but for now it's okay. i like where we are and where it appears we're going.
even when/if we do break up, i want dylan to be a part of my life. i want to be able to say, hey things aren't good right now. can i crash at your place? and i want him to be able to send me tickets to his first headlining show. i want the lines to be open and not awkward. and maybe that will change with conflicts i'm sure we're going to have in the future, but for now that means something to me.
wow what a rant i'm not even going to read back through it. hope it makes sense
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