and journaling lets me keep up with blake and center myself all at the same time. I feel like I don't journal enough..too much blogging. I don't write enough of the personal things down in a place where i wont be embarrassed by them later and rip the pages out or delete the post.
so i will talk about things that matter.
i miss home right now. i love the city, and i'm pushing myself to a schedule so i don't get hopeless to the point of apathy again (which always seems to happen on tuesday nights, after a 12+ hour day after an all-nighter because i put off my homework for way too long.
but i miss home.
i miss coffee with blake. (i miss being able to catch up in person, to sit in one of our cars and laugh and cry and not care about anything else. i miss being able to share my life with someone. it's been lonely, in that matter. I have friends, but not the kind of friends who actually want to hear the things I need to say to someone.)
i miss dylan. (i miss the carefree-ness, of sharing everything. what i would give right now to be in bed with him, half-naked, just watching a movie. or sitting in the bathtub watching him shower while my conditioner sets. i know these moments were real, but the stark removal of dylan in everything makes me think i made them up sometimes.)
i miss my mom. i haven't been in contact with her much, and i miss her. i have a package waiting for me at the dorm from her, and i can't wait to get out of class so i can open it. i miss my mom and my family a lot.
but i'm busying myself; i'm committing to working out, to eating more healthy, to being better overall.
and it's making things better.
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