good things and scary things

a short post while i wait for files to upload & then finally getting some sleep

i was talking to my mom on the phone the other day about college and plans and whatnot and she told me that although it isn't a longshot for me to stay in chicago, she doesn't think it's plausible. a mediumshot, she said. and it just kind of threw me off kilter. i've been existing in a space of pretty high expectations for my future, so maybe a dose of reality from my mom is necessary. but it also hurt my feelings and created a rift of self-doubt within me that i don't like.

it's strange to think that this time next year i'll be on my own, out of school. scary strange. and unfortunately i am not giving myself the grace period of grad school to figure my shit out; i don't have the safety net of a serious significant other to help me pay for rent and food and what have you. and that's terrifying. but mark my words, i will not be moving back to evansville long-term. literally every time i've been back to evansville (save the two times when dylan and i were still dating), i have been disappointed and left empty by my hometown. and i can't exist there after college. i can't move back in with my parents as much as i love them.

maybe i'll end up in north carolina with my aunt and mamaw. maybe i'll go to cincinatti, or iowa city, or savannah. i have been happy in those places before and know that i could exist there if only temporarily.

my long term goals change like crazy, but at this point i think i'd like to end up in san francisco or somewhere abroad. i want to travel the US with gitsy and my bike, maybe by car or train. i think i still have a lot of soul searching to do. but i don't want to live in my mom's house for longer than a summer. i don't want to go back to a town in which i'm constantly worried about running into people from my past, being judged. i want the end of college to be a fresh start.

the good thing? i tried on dresses at forever 21 today & am officially too small for the plus size section. the larges are generally still pretty tight/weird looking, but the plus section were all much to big, too long, too bulky. i ended up getting a normal f21 sheer maxi dress that i LOVE, i just have to find a slip because the one that came with it literally suffocated me. so im excited to be going home for this weekend with an awesome new dress!