good enough

this weekend was wonderful. my parents came up to see my first show & it was just so good to see them. since the beginning of this school year, i've been so fucking overwhelmed that i haven't felt like i could catch my breath, and my self esteem has been suffering greatly. it's nothing like the sadness that gripped me around the the beginning of february last year, but it's been a significant problem for me lately. it's like no matter what i'm doing, there's a voice in my head telling me that i'm not good enough: that dress is too short, everyone is staring at you because your clothes don't fit, your hair is messy, your work is sloppy, you shouldn't have said that, he isn't into you, you can bike faster than this, you're weak if you have to stop running now, you've gained weight, you should be working, you should be working, you should be working.

it's just been relentless, and it was good to have my family here supporting me and making me feel validated for a little bit. at the show, i drank with my classmates and i felt so popular; people were hugging me and telling me my work was awesome. it feels really good to finally be "in" with the STA kids & seniors in the VCD department. being a designer is all about making connections & i'm finally doing that.

i hadn't looked at any of dylan's social media in a really long time & i did earlier, which was dumb of me because now i'm thinking about everything that happened again. he's dating someone else now & i'm actually happy for him; she's really pretty and seems like a nice person. i was even proud of myself because my heart didn't even do the dumb floppy thing or sink down in my stomach; i didn't have a physical reaction or even really that much of an emotional reaction & that feels more amazing than i can probably express.

i think sometimes that i have worked so hard to prove to people (who? i have no idea) that i came out on top; that i was not broken, that i'm ok. i was pretending to be alright for a long long time and i realize now that i thought i was still pretending, and i don't think i have been for months. i look around me and i have a 2 bedroom apartment in the 3rd biggest city in the US with my dog & a wonderful roommate, i am thriving at an amazing design school, and i have literally everything in front of me open to opportunity. i could up and move to london after school if i saved up enough for a ticket and had a job waiting. i live an amazing life and i don't have to prove myself to anyone, not even myself.