casual, pt 2

damn. i'm sitting and just thinking about what a whirlwind the past couple weeks has been while i wait to hear back from a client, and damn.

everything with chris happened last weekend, i had my design show, i've been contacted about two different internships, one letterpress and one at an ad agency, i fooled around with another cute boy, i went to parties with my friends, i had a girl's night, came up with a concept for my next letterpress piece, and my client (who i was afraid i wasn't making good work for) just called back and was highly appreciative and open to changing up his style because he liked my work so much.

things have just been good. the design show on friday was absolutely amazing; we set up the show that day and had at the very least 500 people come through. i found my work on instagram, i saw hordes of people walking around with my work, and got to watch people stand in awe of my piece, looking at the tiny bits of lead all glues together. it was amazing. i got more drunk than i should have, but so did everyone else, so it was good. i ended up alone at a bar with a girl in my dept who made me feel like total shit about the whole chris thing ("you shouldn't fuck him, he's too nice, he's slept with xxxx and xxxxx and xxxxx in the department & it never ends up well") but then actually made me feel a lit better about the situation when i told her that i felt like he was way above my level (in terms of design & just in general) and she told me he absolutely doesn't feel that way about me & was super flattered. so that's good.

we ended up texting and agreeing it's probably best not to keep pursuing whatever it was that happened, and i was feeling iffy about it until we ended up at the same party later that night & he gave me a really good, tight hug. it just made everything feel ok again, and im actually hoping we can become closer as friends because of this whole thing.

it's weird, i hadn't watched my tv shows in a couple of weeks & i sat down to watch parenthood today, and one of the characters is having trouble with her husband (they're separated) and she sleeps with some guy she works with, and she doesn't want it to keep going, she goes and talks to him and just tells him thanks for "releasing" her, that she was so tied down & caught up in shit with her absent husband that she needed to let go a little bit, and while she doesn't want to sleep with him again, she is grateful that he was the person who helped her do that. and that's how i feel right now, i guess. because i would never have had the balls to sleep with someone i had just met after my first. it just felt still too sacred, like it needed to matter enough to not be some arbitrary thing. (not that i think it's not sacred anymore, but there was a certain hurdle to jump over first, i think.) so it was good because of that.

and now i'm more open to the fact that this loren guy wants to date me, and i was ok bringing a boy home from a bar just to mess around a bit. and it's freeing. it's like the first time i drank or smoked weed, i feel like i'm now living outside of some weird set of restrictions i had put on myself needlessly. and it has me in a good place to evaluate myself and the choices i want to make when i graduate. like i never thought i would be ok living in a studio/one-bedroom apartment by myself, and now i crave it. i feel more grown up, i feel like i'm capable of making my own Big Decisions when the only thing keeping me back before was myself.