this weekend was wonderful; i got the balls to tell the guy i've been crushing on that i'm into him, and it went surprisingly really well. he's looking for something more casual & right now i really don't think i can deal with anything other than casual, so it's good. i spent the night at his house saturday night after a literally perfect day & i have no complaints about anything except that sometimes i hate having a girl brain that is going to freak out about the whole thing until i see him again & can judge how he feels about everything & how he acts around me at school.
you know me best, i'm like a fucking suckerfish i get so attached, but i don't want to be that way anymore; it's actually amazing that after just having had sex with someone else, i literally have no emotion about dylan anymore. the last few resentful & hurt bits of me that were clinging for dear life have (seemingly) vanished. so i'm hoping this thing with chris will be good for me. he's really a sweet person & i would be happy taking this further someday if he wants to, after school is over & my thyroid isn't fucked up anymore, but if he doesn't, i've actually also been talking to another guy from okcupid who seems nice & is interested in me. and maybe that situation shouldn't feel different than any of the other guys i've talked to on okcupid, but i don't know. something about this guy feels safe, and i like that he's there in case i get in over my head with chris and need to take a step back to guard myself from getting hurt.
i don't know. i haven't been the most emotionally stable person lately (thanks, thyroid) but i'm proud of myself. i feel like all of this good/new has stemmed from stopping myself from feeling sorry for myself anymore. i have nothing to apologize for. i'm no different than any other human being on this planet; people find me attractive and interesting. i am a creative and beautiful person, and i need to stop looking at myself like that doesn't show. having my physical self esteem in the shitter lately was no good for me, and i didn't realize how scary, almost body dysmorphic i had become about my body image. shit is so much easier when i feel sexy and confident & am not spending every god damn second self-monitoring my appearance in class, and if fooling around with a sweet beardy boy helps me realize that i am physically desirable (because i know my personality is fuckin rad, i don't need help with that ;) ) then i'm perfectly ok with that.
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