when I realized that things with Ross were going to be serious, I decided that I didn't want to have sex with him before i was going to leave chicago for 3 weeks. After a week of seeing him almost every day, the first week we met, I knew it would be rough to transition so quickly into being back in my parents' house, feeling insecure and child-like again. (My mom has had it rough post-clot #2 and everyone is trying to be nice, but she's on a short fuse and needs a lot of help, which leaves me, the adult child in the house, in a place of being told what to do and fussed over a lot, which is exhausting.) but what's that saying about the best laid plans of mice and men?
Basically we had a perfect opportunity, and we decided to take it. It was rainy out (both our favorite weather) and we had my newly air-conditioned apartment to ourselves. I realized that I didn't want the first time we slept together to be with Daniella 25 feet away. And I'm not sorry that we had sex. It gives me something to anchor myself to when I get into these depressive rifts about my body image & feeling like maybe he doesn't like me as much as I want him to. But of course it sucks to be far away from the person I want to have sex with. Blake sent me a buzzfeed article today about choosing between food and sex, and it made me realize that it's going to be another two full weeks before I can cuddle up with that sweet boy again.
I'm not really sure why I wrote this. I guess it just feels nice for someone to be genuinely interested in me who I also want to be with. And things aren't quite right with me emotionally yet, and I feel like a lot of the time when he tells me that he thinks I'm cute or sexy, it's really hard for me to believe him because I am in such a rough spot with liking my own body right now. And for the first night of having a very bad body image night since then, I am glad to be able to focus on that memory & feel not so shitty.
No comments:
Post a Comment