Wednesday, February 15, 2012
blake
i'm so sorry, and i didn't mean to say that our friendship has to end because my relationship with dylan did, i just need time to process everything. i'd like for us to be able to talk in person, but i don't know how to make that happen. let's just let go of it all. im not mad, im just in a really weird place right now.
Monday, February 13, 2012
brak:
i'm really not angry, and i was trying really hard not to seem that way when we were talking. i'm still a little hurt, but it's not like I'm angry with you. i just feel like everything in my life is so different now. it seems stupid to say this, but I feel like in some ways my breaking up with dylan tore you & i apart because we'd become dependent on talking about our boys & sex lives for so long. it's like we don't really have as much to talk about anymore. i don't know. i've just worked so hard through this breakup on my own that it's still very, very hard for me to let people back in, especially people who couldnt be there to hold my hand through all of it. i want things to go back to normal, and i miss you too. it's just all transitional right now and i don't know where things are going.
so this blog has basically become the place where i put things that i want to tell someone but don't want most people to know
and i guess that's okay by me.
I started an okcupid account today, and honestly, i think it could bring some good things into my life. i'm not looking for anything serious at all, but i feel like i need to go on a date with SOMEONE to see where exactly my feelings are right now. and a really, REALLY attractive guy just messaged me. so let's hope everything goes well!
I started an okcupid account today, and honestly, i think it could bring some good things into my life. i'm not looking for anything serious at all, but i feel like i need to go on a date with SOMEONE to see where exactly my feelings are right now. and a really, REALLY attractive guy just messaged me. so let's hope everything goes well!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
"the sound the microwave just made right now. oh my god"
"i just got lost in text right now. synthesizing your own thoughts, writing them down is so amazing"
"i cant even spell nat geo right now. like g-e-o, that's weird"
"i dont have actual words for that"
"this pen is really cool. is this mine? oh wow i didn't even know i had this"
"have you ever looked at soundwaves? theyre just like infinitely changeable and interchangable but they're just another aesthetic level"
"i have to be honest i havent tried to read anything all day. this is the first time ive tried reading anything on acid and it's so hard." "i know, man, oh my god i TYPED."
"i still have to consider the Blingee" "oh my god, i can't even take Blingee right now"
"wait have we looked at my nails yet? because they're iridescent"
"i feel like most of me transcends words"
"its so distracting to have a beautiful teacher" "well that's only if you dont think of her as an aesthetic object, you just have to penetrate--" "WOAHHHHH" "no guys this is a serious point. you have to look past her as how she looks"
"can we just consider this bedspread? its so beautiful. wait fix that crease...oh that's so much better"
"that thought jut made me stagger. everyone stop. it's such insanity that one little object can just send me on such a trip. put that down."
"no it's so weird, gene and i just literally became the same person. every night we reassimilated and then went apart"
literally i'm the only sober person in my room and this shit is HILARIOUS
"i just got lost in text right now. synthesizing your own thoughts, writing them down is so amazing"
"i cant even spell nat geo right now. like g-e-o, that's weird"
"i dont have actual words for that"
"this pen is really cool. is this mine? oh wow i didn't even know i had this"
"have you ever looked at soundwaves? theyre just like infinitely changeable and interchangable but they're just another aesthetic level"
"i have to be honest i havent tried to read anything all day. this is the first time ive tried reading anything on acid and it's so hard." "i know, man, oh my god i TYPED."
"i still have to consider the Blingee" "oh my god, i can't even take Blingee right now"
"wait have we looked at my nails yet? because they're iridescent"
"i feel like most of me transcends words"
"its so distracting to have a beautiful teacher" "well that's only if you dont think of her as an aesthetic object, you just have to penetrate--" "WOAHHHHH" "no guys this is a serious point. you have to look past her as how she looks"
"can we just consider this bedspread? its so beautiful. wait fix that crease...oh that's so much better"
"that thought jut made me stagger. everyone stop. it's such insanity that one little object can just send me on such a trip. put that down."
"no it's so weird, gene and i just literally became the same person. every night we reassimilated and then went apart"
literally i'm the only sober person in my room and this shit is HILARIOUS
hahahahaha
my roommate & her friends are on acid & i'm pissing my pants laughing at what they're doing. i never want to do acid, oh my god
saturday morning
sometimes when i wake up (especially after a night of great sleep) it's very easy to forget where i am. i was looking t the window and realized that the top of the fire escape that seems so far down from my room is the same ladder that seems so high up when i'm walking down the alley to park my bike. i'm living on the 9th floor of a high-rise in the heart of chicago, and it seems so amazing to me.
last night i went to a party & all of my friends dressed up. we had rosewater cupcakes and red wine and danced to a 50's love song playlist one of my friends had made. it was probably the most adorable and genuine moments i've had at school. it was such a great time. i'll post pictures when i get them, because i can't put most of them on facebook. (i can't wait until i'm 21 so all of my cute pictures can actually be seen by people who don't come into my room & look at the pictures by my desk.
anyways, today is a relaxation & production day. i have to make a presentation for my research class on tuesday, edit some typography for my type tech on tuesday & my typography class on wednesday, do some reading for fibers, typography, and art history, and get a head start on my art history essay that's due the first of march. i really think i'll be able to get most of it done today, and that's exciting to me. i also need to mail some stuff to my momma for valentine's day, so i've got to think of something to make her. maybe i'll bind her a book today.
i'm finding a way to be single here. did i wish that maybe something would develop between me & a friend who was at the party? yes. do i think it will happen? no. unfortunately there are a lot of people here who are incredibly difficult to read, and everyone is a little lonely. so it's hard to have expectations for anything. but i hope for new people to walk into my life every day, and for now i'm working on me.
last night i went to a party & all of my friends dressed up. we had rosewater cupcakes and red wine and danced to a 50's love song playlist one of my friends had made. it was probably the most adorable and genuine moments i've had at school. it was such a great time. i'll post pictures when i get them, because i can't put most of them on facebook. (i can't wait until i'm 21 so all of my cute pictures can actually be seen by people who don't come into my room & look at the pictures by my desk.
anyways, today is a relaxation & production day. i have to make a presentation for my research class on tuesday, edit some typography for my type tech on tuesday & my typography class on wednesday, do some reading for fibers, typography, and art history, and get a head start on my art history essay that's due the first of march. i really think i'll be able to get most of it done today, and that's exciting to me. i also need to mail some stuff to my momma for valentine's day, so i've got to think of something to make her. maybe i'll bind her a book today.
i'm finding a way to be single here. did i wish that maybe something would develop between me & a friend who was at the party? yes. do i think it will happen? no. unfortunately there are a lot of people here who are incredibly difficult to read, and everyone is a little lonely. so it's hard to have expectations for anything. but i hope for new people to walk into my life every day, and for now i'm working on me.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
valentine's
so it's the first "alone" in a few years, but I'm actually looking forward to valentine's day this year. Tomorrow my friends and I are getting dressed up (yes, actually) in celebration of V day to bake cupcakes and drink wine & champagne together. I got a package from my mom the other day and she sent my cupcake liners and boxes as my valentine, which will enable me to financially be able to make cupcake valentines for all of my friends, which i'm really looking forward to doing. i love my friends here and i've recently realized how quickly time goes...i don't want to take any moment for granted because it's really likely that life will take us into very different places as soon as next year (several friends are looking to leave SAIC because of financial issues, some of us may be RAs whereas most will move all over chicago into different apartments, some are even thinking of taking a leave of absence to travel). I have always been very good at adaptation, but sometimes it's very easy to get nostalgia for the present when things are so great now and i'm aware that the future could be vastly different.
i had my RA interview this past weekend and i'll know whether or not i've become a part of reslife on february 22. my group interview was absolutely fabulous. members of my group, when prompted about who in the group was a leader, pointed to me when i didn't see it in myself, and that felt really great. my one-on-one (or really two-to-one)interview could really go either way. i could tell that a lot of what i said was the "right" answer by the reactions of my two interviewers, but i was incredibly nervous, almost to the point of crying at times (and then, of course, i felt stupid for crying and was yelling at myself in my head about it, which only made me want to cry more). I think my interviewer could tell, because at times she would draw me off on tangents to the conversation about what music I like and telling me about funny posters that related to a comment I made about my RA. Which helped, a lot. I guess I really can't feel bad if I don't make it (there were literally 75+ people who interviewed, and only 15 spots are available) but I would really, really, REALLY love to be an RA. It's a stressful job, but it takes off the stress of 1.) finding housing and 2.) finding a job. And it's a developmental experience, which is what I want from college. I want to be better than I am when I leave here. Some pros to being rejected: housing with friends (likely alea). GITSY BABY IN CHITOWN <3. visitors without limit. job opportunities (neighborhoods = more small businesses in need of help). incense! parties! music! what the fuck ever! studio space! being able to make encaustic works in my own studio! etc, etc.
~~~
things are good here. stressful, but good. katie and i are having a few bumps (she hates my alarm clock, i hate that she doesn't wash her toothpaste spit out of the sink after brushing her teeth, we are both messy and don't like doing dishes) but it's much better than how forced things were with sarah. i'm creating artwork that i adore and that is compelling. i'm working on setting up an etsy shop and selling at a local store (wolfbait & b-girls) as soon as I decide what exactly i'd like to sell. i've been making sketches for future projects and living a generally very happy, quiet life. things are a bit lonely, i guess, but in general everything is looking up. i've been talking to my mom a lot more, which has been good. it's weird to think that i've only been back here 3 weeks; it already feels as though i never left. which is nice. it's as though i have completely separate lives in chicago and evansville.
anyways, i've been writing this during my art history survey & i'm sure i've missed lots of important things about 20th century architecture
i had my RA interview this past weekend and i'll know whether or not i've become a part of reslife on february 22. my group interview was absolutely fabulous. members of my group, when prompted about who in the group was a leader, pointed to me when i didn't see it in myself, and that felt really great. my one-on-one (or really two-to-one)interview could really go either way. i could tell that a lot of what i said was the "right" answer by the reactions of my two interviewers, but i was incredibly nervous, almost to the point of crying at times (and then, of course, i felt stupid for crying and was yelling at myself in my head about it, which only made me want to cry more). I think my interviewer could tell, because at times she would draw me off on tangents to the conversation about what music I like and telling me about funny posters that related to a comment I made about my RA. Which helped, a lot. I guess I really can't feel bad if I don't make it (there were literally 75+ people who interviewed, and only 15 spots are available) but I would really, really, REALLY love to be an RA. It's a stressful job, but it takes off the stress of 1.) finding housing and 2.) finding a job. And it's a developmental experience, which is what I want from college. I want to be better than I am when I leave here. Some pros to being rejected: housing with friends (likely alea). GITSY BABY IN CHITOWN <3. visitors without limit. job opportunities (neighborhoods = more small businesses in need of help). incense! parties! music! what the fuck ever! studio space! being able to make encaustic works in my own studio! etc, etc.
~~~
things are good here. stressful, but good. katie and i are having a few bumps (she hates my alarm clock, i hate that she doesn't wash her toothpaste spit out of the sink after brushing her teeth, we are both messy and don't like doing dishes) but it's much better than how forced things were with sarah. i'm creating artwork that i adore and that is compelling. i'm working on setting up an etsy shop and selling at a local store (wolfbait & b-girls) as soon as I decide what exactly i'd like to sell. i've been making sketches for future projects and living a generally very happy, quiet life. things are a bit lonely, i guess, but in general everything is looking up. i've been talking to my mom a lot more, which has been good. it's weird to think that i've only been back here 3 weeks; it already feels as though i never left. which is nice. it's as though i have completely separate lives in chicago and evansville.
anyways, i've been writing this during my art history survey & i'm sure i've missed lots of important things about 20th century architecture
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