hey dude i hate everything you do
but i'm trying really hard to not hate you
hating you won't make you suck any less
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
nausea of the heart
today a high school friend who i talk to a lot through facebook messages about design & music invited me to go to this camping music festival this summer, and it is super exciting to me that i might get to go; i love a lot of bands who might be playing and it's only $45 for several days of camping.
but i also immediately felt heartsick and guilty about the idea of going because of the fact that all of the other people he invited are close friends with dylan. and that means that dylan might go. or that even if he doesn't go, his friends would treat me like shit. or that even if his friends don't treat me like shit, they would tell him things about me that aren't his business.
i'm so fucking tired of feeling like this. like my hometown is somewhere i can't be myself because of all of the shit that happened between me and one! other! person! almost two years!!! ago. i don't understand the toxicity that exists around small town communities like that. thinking about this shit gets me confused and wound up and i'm just tired.
i've been reading a lot of osho lately, about how the conscious mind gets into the habit of dwelling, of replaying the past, and that getting in tune with your unconscious mind (meditation, essentially) is the only way to drag all the hidden shit out and just feel all of the emotions and let them go instead of trying to suppress and rationalize them. and i've been feeling really good because of that, because i've been studying and trying really hard to do that. i just need to stay in that mindset, to not let someone who i really don't like have this kind of control over my emotional state and my future plans.
but i also immediately felt heartsick and guilty about the idea of going because of the fact that all of the other people he invited are close friends with dylan. and that means that dylan might go. or that even if he doesn't go, his friends would treat me like shit. or that even if his friends don't treat me like shit, they would tell him things about me that aren't his business.
i'm so fucking tired of feeling like this. like my hometown is somewhere i can't be myself because of all of the shit that happened between me and one! other! person! almost two years!!! ago. i don't understand the toxicity that exists around small town communities like that. thinking about this shit gets me confused and wound up and i'm just tired.
i've been reading a lot of osho lately, about how the conscious mind gets into the habit of dwelling, of replaying the past, and that getting in tune with your unconscious mind (meditation, essentially) is the only way to drag all the hidden shit out and just feel all of the emotions and let them go instead of trying to suppress and rationalize them. and i've been feeling really good because of that, because i've been studying and trying really hard to do that. i just need to stay in that mindset, to not let someone who i really don't like have this kind of control over my emotional state and my future plans.
Monday, November 4, 2013
things i'm going to start doing to start feeling more like the person i want to be:
- keep putting back money into savings. i have done a wonderful job of this this semester and hope that i can continue so that i have money to support myself when school is out and i maybe don't have a wonderful job yet
- start fucking writing things down when i think of them. turn this into a blog of my writing that i allow to be seen by others because it will start out anonymous and not linked to anything of mine
- get my etsy going again, even if it's little stuff at first
- organize the junk bins in my apartment. throw things away. let go.
- start running again. or start biking to school again, but it's hella cold already so we're gonna stick with running for now.
- art for fun, then vandalize with it.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
november.
it doesn't feel right to me that november is already here. september and october are my most fulfilling times of the year; being a september baby, i have always loved fall. but november is cold. living in chicago, november means preparing for a winter that won't end until mid-april, and i'm just not ready for that yet.
this semester i have put on weight. i have had to be careful with my body because my mind is under so much stress that my body literally can't handle any. i haven't even completely broken in my beautiful new doc martens because i can't stand even the idea of going through a few days of my feet hurting. i haven't had the downtime i've needed, so any time i drink a beer or take a hit, i spend hours freaking out that i wasted time when i could have been working or cleaning or getting my body back in shape. but i have been trying not to do that lately. i have fun when i can and roll with the punches when i need to, and somehow literally everything always works out okay. i've discovered that if i accidentally fall asleep and don't finish my work, the universe shifts a little and somehow there's time for me to finish my work in class (or on break) before i have to present, with absolutely no problem. somehow it all works out.
so i have felt really good about discovering that i can relax a little. (hence why i'm allowing myself to write this when i should be working.) but there's just some stuff i have to write down. because i've been working on this project about memory, i've been thrust back into processing stuff i should have processed a long time ago. and i know that i've written about this, so i'm not going to go through all of it again in this post. but last night i went to my friend kelsey's house, someone who has become a really great friend to me this semester. she's from boston (so of course she loves big d & beer) so we've been hanging out a lot. last weekend i met her boyfriend, patrick, who still lives in boston, and she asked me what i thought about him. i could sense an edge to her voice, as though she wanted us to tell her that he was just okay or something. i did like him, and i told her that, but he seemed incredibly needy and childish, whereas kelsey can be child-like in fun, but is actually really mature (i didn't tell her this.)
anyway, we were drinking and all got pretty drunk, and kelsey disappeared off to the bathroom for a really long time. the walls are thin in her apartment, and we could hear her sobbing on the phone with pat. she was devastated after he went back to boston, so we thought that's all she was crying about, but it turned out that pat had tried to kill himself in the past week and she has really been struggling. it was obvious when i saw them together that she loves him so dearly, and i was just immediately taken back to the night that everything broke between dylan and i. (god, i'm crying at my computer in starbucks right now.) and i just feel so bad for her, i want her to move in with me so i can make her cookies and cry with her and tell her that things don't really go back to how they used to be but that you are okay eventually, that it becomes a scar you keep but you don't see every day.
alea and i are going back over there today (kelsey is having a halloween party) with cookies a couple hours before the part starts so she can vent a bit. i got this wonderful poem book by clemetine von radics yesterday that i'm going to let her borrow in hopes that it will help her process.
anyways, i don't have a way to end this post. november is always so hard on me, but i'm hoping that by being there for kelsey this november, maybe it won't be. that things can start to close and heal again. i know that this timing is kismet; i don't believe in fate or whatever, but i do believe that my choice to get hurt this way in this life lines up to help other people, that being forced to process this right now is supposed to line up with her life so i can be there for her, and that kelsey came into my life for a reason. you just have those feelings about certain people.
this semester i have put on weight. i have had to be careful with my body because my mind is under so much stress that my body literally can't handle any. i haven't even completely broken in my beautiful new doc martens because i can't stand even the idea of going through a few days of my feet hurting. i haven't had the downtime i've needed, so any time i drink a beer or take a hit, i spend hours freaking out that i wasted time when i could have been working or cleaning or getting my body back in shape. but i have been trying not to do that lately. i have fun when i can and roll with the punches when i need to, and somehow literally everything always works out okay. i've discovered that if i accidentally fall asleep and don't finish my work, the universe shifts a little and somehow there's time for me to finish my work in class (or on break) before i have to present, with absolutely no problem. somehow it all works out.
so i have felt really good about discovering that i can relax a little. (hence why i'm allowing myself to write this when i should be working.) but there's just some stuff i have to write down. because i've been working on this project about memory, i've been thrust back into processing stuff i should have processed a long time ago. and i know that i've written about this, so i'm not going to go through all of it again in this post. but last night i went to my friend kelsey's house, someone who has become a really great friend to me this semester. she's from boston (so of course she loves big d & beer) so we've been hanging out a lot. last weekend i met her boyfriend, patrick, who still lives in boston, and she asked me what i thought about him. i could sense an edge to her voice, as though she wanted us to tell her that he was just okay or something. i did like him, and i told her that, but he seemed incredibly needy and childish, whereas kelsey can be child-like in fun, but is actually really mature (i didn't tell her this.)
anyway, we were drinking and all got pretty drunk, and kelsey disappeared off to the bathroom for a really long time. the walls are thin in her apartment, and we could hear her sobbing on the phone with pat. she was devastated after he went back to boston, so we thought that's all she was crying about, but it turned out that pat had tried to kill himself in the past week and she has really been struggling. it was obvious when i saw them together that she loves him so dearly, and i was just immediately taken back to the night that everything broke between dylan and i. (god, i'm crying at my computer in starbucks right now.) and i just feel so bad for her, i want her to move in with me so i can make her cookies and cry with her and tell her that things don't really go back to how they used to be but that you are okay eventually, that it becomes a scar you keep but you don't see every day.
alea and i are going back over there today (kelsey is having a halloween party) with cookies a couple hours before the part starts so she can vent a bit. i got this wonderful poem book by clemetine von radics yesterday that i'm going to let her borrow in hopes that it will help her process.
anyways, i don't have a way to end this post. november is always so hard on me, but i'm hoping that by being there for kelsey this november, maybe it won't be. that things can start to close and heal again. i know that this timing is kismet; i don't believe in fate or whatever, but i do believe that my choice to get hurt this way in this life lines up to help other people, that being forced to process this right now is supposed to line up with her life so i can be there for her, and that kelsey came into my life for a reason. you just have those feelings about certain people.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
list 123go
- emailed jonathan saying i felt some chemistry there & we should get coffee
- this happened because i spent 2 nights waiting up for some okcupid guy to message me back about the date we were supposed to go on
- there is currently a circus (literally) happening 100 feet from my apartment
- i have way too much work to do
- im halfway (maybe) done with my dress for halloween
- it kind of looks dumb but its a good first try considering i made it from a vintage pattern
- it'll look fine once i figure out what to do with the skirt
- i have 2 concepts due for tuesday, progress on a poster due for wednesday, and a final project due for thursday
- also a midterm on thursday
- i'm not really worried except for the posters due on thursday cause they're watercolor and i skipped last class so i dont even know where to go with it
- i need to buy art supplies when i go to the loop
- aslo a pink cowgirl hat and a white turtleneck
- i kinda wish i'd gone out this weekend
- but i cleaned my room (shoved most stuff in the closet)
- hmm ok back to work
Sunday, October 20, 2013
baggage
i feel weird writing so much lately about dylan and things surrounding our relationship because i am over him, i have been for a long time. but i guess i'm not over everything that happened, and doing more artwork about that recently has helped me realize that i might not be for a long time, if ever. the fact that he tried to kill himself hurts me. the fact that i helped put him in the dark place he was in hurts me. it might always be a soft spot for me, because i loved him and he was broken and i hurt him.
right now i'm working on a type project in which we have to use text we write (representing two separate memories) and an outside source of text in two posters on a theme (most people are using an emotion or set of circumstances). i decided to use moments that i look back to as critical periods of growth; moments that made me more Real either because they built me up or stripped me of everything i had known. the first memory i'm using is the night i texted dylan's mom and told her he had tried to kill himself, and the second is a night i spent with ivy and dustin lying on the pavement by the riverwalk, talking deeply for the first time after a year apart at college. when i got up to talk about my theme, i couldn't keep myself from getting red-faced and no matter what i did, my voice shook and stuck in my throat.
when i was at ivy's this weekend, we were drinking and ivy kept telling dustin & i to go dance with boys, that she'd introduce us to the ones we thought were cute. we told her, and she ran off the find them, and i immediately felt scared and nervous and guilty. all of a sudden i didn't want to be there, but more importantly, i didn't want to be in my own skin. i didn't go talk to the guy, so nothing happened, and the feeling went away.
tonight i was thinking about that, wondering why i got worked up like that, and i remembered some stuff that i had forgotten (or maybe blocked out) about the last time dylan and i had sex. and maybe this is too much to be writing about on a blog. but it made me panic for a second that i could have forgotten, and then i felt the tiniest bit better. i probably still need to go have a good cry in the shower about it, but i'm finally dealing with things that i don't think i was able to process when they happened. and i'm hoping that doing so will allow me to move on and to open back up so that when someone good and kind walks into my life, i don't have all this baggage keeping me from making a connection.
right now i'm working on a type project in which we have to use text we write (representing two separate memories) and an outside source of text in two posters on a theme (most people are using an emotion or set of circumstances). i decided to use moments that i look back to as critical periods of growth; moments that made me more Real either because they built me up or stripped me of everything i had known. the first memory i'm using is the night i texted dylan's mom and told her he had tried to kill himself, and the second is a night i spent with ivy and dustin lying on the pavement by the riverwalk, talking deeply for the first time after a year apart at college. when i got up to talk about my theme, i couldn't keep myself from getting red-faced and no matter what i did, my voice shook and stuck in my throat.
when i was at ivy's this weekend, we were drinking and ivy kept telling dustin & i to go dance with boys, that she'd introduce us to the ones we thought were cute. we told her, and she ran off the find them, and i immediately felt scared and nervous and guilty. all of a sudden i didn't want to be there, but more importantly, i didn't want to be in my own skin. i didn't go talk to the guy, so nothing happened, and the feeling went away.
tonight i was thinking about that, wondering why i got worked up like that, and i remembered some stuff that i had forgotten (or maybe blocked out) about the last time dylan and i had sex. and maybe this is too much to be writing about on a blog. but it made me panic for a second that i could have forgotten, and then i felt the tiniest bit better. i probably still need to go have a good cry in the shower about it, but i'm finally dealing with things that i don't think i was able to process when they happened. and i'm hoping that doing so will allow me to move on and to open back up so that when someone good and kind walks into my life, i don't have all this baggage keeping me from making a connection.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
fucking dreams
I'm at Ivy's for the weekend & I just woke up from an exhaustingly long and horrid dream, crying. I'm going to try to sleep for a bit more and make this feeling go away but I'm just sad & I can't figure out if I'm justified in feeling this depressed over a dream or not
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