yesterday was a bad day

i slept for 12 hours last night and decided to work from home today
tonight i have to go to a meeting about my BFA show & then my friend is giving me a ride out to bridgeport so we can see the typeforce show

today has been much better so far & i hope it stays positive

:(

maybe i'm just not good at not having my normal space to live and work in, but i just feel like leah and daniella are walking on eggshells around me & talking about me behind my back. i could have sworn i heard them whispering while they were cooking in the kitchen & i was watching tv. & that's another thing: leah has been watching supernatural with me, and she always has to point out how much makeup the actors are wearing or laugh at the cheesiness of the jokes or mock their voices or make fun of how the tv show tries to make the main characters seem "too manly," when it has literally been my ONLY escape from how shitty and stressed i've been feeling. just let me enjoy my shitty tv.

tumultuous

if i had to pick a word for 2014 so far, that's what the word would be. or maybe unfair, cold (in all meanings of the word), uncomfortable. i've been knocked-off-my-feet sick for almost two weeks straight, it's cold as fuck outside, i can't eat anything except bananas, applesauce, rice, toast, and soup, and i just don't have the energy to do the things i want/need to do. and shit is going down with my close friends, who are in the process of evicting a former friend of ours from their apartment because he's a sociopath who sexually assaulted one of them and won't move out or admit he did anything wrong, so there's kind of a constant flow of displaced people coming in and out of my house because none of them feel comfortable in their apartment anymore.

i'm just tired. and as much as i want to be there for my friends or take advantage of the new moon for new opportunities or meet new people or be in the studio all night, i've had to really take a step back and take care of my body, which exhausts me mentally and emotionally.

i don't know. my parents are coming in town this weekend (my dad to see a concert and my mom because she can tell how shitty i feel, and she wants to help me stock up gluten-free food for the next 3 weeks (oh yeah–i had a bunch of labs & tests done and i have to do a 3-week trial of eating gluten free starting wednesday)) and all i can think about it how much stress that puts me under to clean my house before they get here and get as much homework/work done during the week as i can so i don't have to worry about it when they're here.

anyways. i should get some lab results back this week, and as much as it would suck to have colitis or chron's or something else awful, it would be a relief to at least have an answer and a plan of action for fixing this. right now i feel stuck in a broken body, and i don't want to feel that way anymore.

sick

wednesday of last week: viral GI infection/colitis storm? (something awful)
stayed home from class wednesday - friday
friday: megabus to indy was 2 hours late, the bus that got there didn't have heat. fingers, toes, & knees were numb by the time i got there
saturday: chantel's baby shower, started feeling like i was getting a cold. started my period because obviously my body isn't under enough stress right now
sunday: full on bronchitis while still stomach sick, drove back to chicago with dad.
saw the pixies, luckily dad waited in line while i slept & then met him there. we got balcony seats so i was able to rest
monday: super sick. got giordanos and groceries before sleeping all afternoon
tuesday: still feel like shit. didn't go to class, which makes a full week of missed classes.

stressing out about not having done work, or school work, in a week, and exhausted. praying that i'll be ok enough by tonight to do some homework and be prepared for class tomorrow.

long day

woke up at 7:40 on my day off, was out of the house by 9
got to starbucks, realized i left my computer charger at home
ate my food & got on the train to class
stopped at blick to get supplies
the lady said the portfolio i picked out will rip if i put my big sketchbook in it
left my stuff with her
went upstairs to get a different bag
all the bags were twice the size of my sketchbook (& therefore pointless)
went back downstairs only to find that all the stuff i left at the register had been put back
lady who was helping me said, "you must have taken it all back up with you"
i didn't
went upstairs and collected all my stuff again
came back down and the lady thought i was upset about the bag not fitting
no obviously i wasn't mad about having to pick out all my stuff again
went to pick up prescription at CVS
got stuck behind 2 people who needed flu shots
there was only one pharmacist apparently
went to the sharp building to get my id card encoded
articard says it should work
front desk says it should work
felt satisfied that it will work
walked to maclean to check out a computer charger from media checkout
apparently there were $16 in fines from my first semester at SAIC
only had $6 on my articard to pay
manager wouldn't let me do a partial payment
had to go back downstairs and across the block to take cash out
$3 atm fee
went to put money on articard
had to go back upstairs to get the charger
went back to CVS because i forgot to buy highlighters
went to get lunch at under 55 cafe
walked back to maclean
worked for a few hours on design stuff
met with aric for logo consultation
had to go return the charger
went back to blick because i forgot to buy a hot glue gun
had to wait in line for 20 minutes
got the same cashier lady
still rude
went back to sharp to go work in the letterpress shop
my card still didn't work
luckily there was a girl working
but she played beyonce out loud the whole time
ripped my index fingernail on a broken piece of lead type
went back home
walked extra laps everywhere, took the stairs instead of the escalators
got home
realized i left my fitbit in the shop
none of my steps were counted so my total was 9,060 even though it should have been 14,000+
and i cant stop and get it tomorrow morning because my class is at the field museum


surprised i am not crying right now because today was too much.

leaving

i pick up my rental car and leave evansville in 12 hours and i haven't packed anything except a duffel bag of clothes

another new year (already?)

i swear this year was shorter than the last few, honestly. that's not to say it was easy; even with all the hell 2012 held for me in regards to growing up and growing out and moving on, 2013 was definitely harder and sadder in a lot of ways. but the bright, happy bits of the past year are stunning, white-hot moments in a difficult, blurry year.

in 2013, i:

• went on a lot of dates, knocking down some of the awkward walls i put up inside me. even if nothing really clicked, this is a big thing for me. i am making sure that when i have the time and inclination, i am someone who is comfortable dating.
• produced a zine all by myself, the production of which stirred up and gave closure to a lot of bullshit i didn't want to deal with. i wrote something for this zine that i love, which is rare for me. and at the end of a stressful all-nighter of putting that shit together, i watched a stunning sunrise from the brown line with tj, right before he moved away.
• had two best friends move away and carry on their lives in new places, places where i can't be. and blake and i are always okay, but it put strains on my other long-distance friendship, and (unfortunately) i'm not nearly as close with tj as i used to be.
• took on way too much in my academic life, and didn't crash and burn. granted, i didn't sleep much and i gained a bunch of weight from eating my stress, but i did it when my professors told me i couldn't and my classmates told me i was crazy. and i made some work i'm really really proud of.
• went to ocracoke and watched the sun rise every morning that i could. walked barefoot through a bird sanctuary, held a sea turtle egg, literally saw the shape of the milky way over the atlantic ocean at midnight.
• drank legally, smoked illegally, hooked up with some german guy named dorian in the back of an SUV in louisville.
• started running, stopped running, started running again (it's a work in progess). rode my bike to school all summer. got my bike stolen, and then got a new bike.
• felt closer to my three biggest communities (my family, my chicago friends, my purdue friends) than i have ever felt to any community of people
• finally felt like chicago became my home. i feel uncomfortable here, not disturbingly so, but i miss my apartment. i miss the solitude sometimes. i miss my friends and my independence and riding the trains. for the first time in my life i feel actually grown up and visiting my childhood home, which is bittersweet.

big things happened this year, and it's scary but it's good. today when blake left and i realized i couldn't pinpoint a date when i would see her again,it kind of sank in that i will graduate this year and then i will be moving on, and i'm not sure where i'll be or what my life will look like a year from now.


(and here are my 2014 resolutions!)

• organize design work stuff. get on top of this. this means cataloging computer files and maintaining a calendar for reals.
• be more health conscious in regards to diet, and make an effort to keep exercising. diet is the big thing here, because i'm a pretty active person normally, but i've been eating like shit and it needs to stop.
• save money for something big. this could be a printing press or a car or an apartment in brooklyn or a few weeks backpacking in europe. but i want the options open and i need money to do so.
• do more, instead of just collecting inspiration. make more. 
• reconnect with my spirituality (meditate, talk to spirit, go to church at least every once in a while.) go back to lily dale.

so here's to not knowing. to taking 2014 as it comes. i can't wait to see what this next year has in store for me.