i feel like i haven't written in forever, and it always seems like i end up writing when i have something very important to do that i'd rather put off for another half hour. this time, it's packing and getting ready to move (again). I can't even remember if i posted on here about the fact that i'm moving home, but i am; i bought a press last week and have been getting all my things in order to move back into my parents' house (sigh) and start my own little business.
i've been in a weird mood lately, i just don't want to talk to anyone (sorry i've been distant, blake--i feel distant even from myself right now.) i think it has a lot to do with the fact that winter has slipped its frigid noose around the city of chicago, but i also think that i need to talk to my doctor about upping my anxiety meds. the depression part hasn't been as bad lately (or maybe i'm just content with feeling sad about leaving chicago), but my anxiety has been off the charts. i can't even be in the same room when any of my roommates are eating or discussing something or singing, because the sound of food crunching or lips smacking/voices over each other/the phrase "i understand what you're saying, but _____" 100 times in one conversation (read: civilly-mannered argument) is enough to literally cause me to have a panic attack lately.
i don't know. big changes are happening, and i'm really excited by the prospect of getting to work for myself and being with gitsy and having access to a car and an indoor gym, but i'm also nervous. it's hard to choke down the fear of getting myself in way over my head some days, but other days i just want to be back in evansville and getting things sorted out. i think the hardest part right now is the waiting: my press is mine, but it's in storage until i find a place to rent out as retail/studio space. i can't rent out a space until i'm back in evansville and have a small business loan to help me out with startup costs. i can't get a loan until i finish my business plan. i can't finish my business plan until i come up with a name for my business, which is where i'm stuck right now, and (unfortunately for me) packing and making money has to come before brainstorming for the time being.
so, stress. but in a good way mostly. i have lots of etsy orders coming in, and i've made $63 in the past 4 days because of it. i have to do laundry today, but a lot of it is packing up clothes i know i'm not going to wear during my final 7 days (!!) in chicago. i'm looking around my room and realizing there's still a lot of work to be done today, so i'm going to go clean and pack now!
Monday, November 17, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
punk house
sorry, but if i do my chore wheel clean up (cleaning the stove and sink this week) every night, clean up my stuff in public areas when i go to bed, and immediately do my dishes and put them away after i eat, why exactly do i have to participate in a day-long house cleaning on saturday where we'll be "straightening up" stuff that isn't mine?
punk house life isn't agreeing with me right now; sam and leah (who have lived here 3 years) have monopolized the pantry and bathroom space. we have a small room that is all shelves and drawers for food and dishes, yet i have two tiny shelves (one of which i have to stand on a step stool to reach) for all of my food and dishes. the bathroom has a small shelving unit, lots of shelves inside the mirror, and a decent number of shelves above the toilet, yet i literally just have enough room to keep my shampoo, conditioner, face wash, and razor in the shower, and the rest of my stuff has to stay in a shower caddy in my closet. yeah, i have the biggest room, but i don't have a door, i have curtains. and the one door I do have is a restaurant-style swing door that leads straight into the pantry & kitchen, where it is constantly noisy & the door won't stay shut unless it locks from the pantry side.
ugh i'm just pissed. i'm so pissed. there are constantly people in my space, sam keeps fucking touching me, leah is weird about where things go, and despite the fact that i spent about 6 hours scouring their filthy bathroom until it was sparkling last weekend, i somehow have to help straighten up their shit this weekend. i feel like they think i just lay around all day, when literally all of monday and most of yesterday was spent doing freelance work and embroidering stuff for etsy to make money.
ugh please let this feeling pass. once i get unpacked all the way & get my room straightened up i'm sure it'll be fine, but right now when i don't feel like my own space is inhabitable, it's just too much for me to deal with.
punk house life isn't agreeing with me right now; sam and leah (who have lived here 3 years) have monopolized the pantry and bathroom space. we have a small room that is all shelves and drawers for food and dishes, yet i have two tiny shelves (one of which i have to stand on a step stool to reach) for all of my food and dishes. the bathroom has a small shelving unit, lots of shelves inside the mirror, and a decent number of shelves above the toilet, yet i literally just have enough room to keep my shampoo, conditioner, face wash, and razor in the shower, and the rest of my stuff has to stay in a shower caddy in my closet. yeah, i have the biggest room, but i don't have a door, i have curtains. and the one door I do have is a restaurant-style swing door that leads straight into the pantry & kitchen, where it is constantly noisy & the door won't stay shut unless it locks from the pantry side.
ugh i'm just pissed. i'm so pissed. there are constantly people in my space, sam keeps fucking touching me, leah is weird about where things go, and despite the fact that i spent about 6 hours scouring their filthy bathroom until it was sparkling last weekend, i somehow have to help straighten up their shit this weekend. i feel like they think i just lay around all day, when literally all of monday and most of yesterday was spent doing freelance work and embroidering stuff for etsy to make money.
ugh please let this feeling pass. once i get unpacked all the way & get my room straightened up i'm sure it'll be fine, but right now when i don't feel like my own space is inhabitable, it's just too much for me to deal with.
Monday, September 1, 2014
september already
when i moved into my new place almost two weeks ago, only one of my four roommates was here; sam was house-sitting for a friend, emily hadn't really moved in yet (except her stuff), and dan was (still is) in israel. it was just me and leah, who i get along with best of the group, and it was really peaceful. and then everyone got back (except dan), gitsy had to leave, and we decided to clean the house up. there's way too much furniture (nancy & eric, who just moved out, left a bunch of shit, including a queen and twin bed, a huge coffee table, and kitchen table, a gigantic armoire, and a bunch of random art supplies and building material), but with my ankle fucked up (oh yeah, i tore the muscle in my calf when a shelf fell on my leg & have internal bleeding and scary bruising in my leg rn) i opted to clean their DISGUSTING bathroom. literally, the tub was black when i started cleaning. 2 rolls of paper towels, 3 towels, a bottle of CLR, half a can of ajax, 6 steel wool pads, 3 sponges, and 3 swiffer pads later, and that place is sparkling white. i'm so proud, and i finally feel like a member of the house.
i'm the only one up right now, but last night we gave each other tarot readings and leah told me she'd bring me home some vegan ice cream from the ice cream shop where she works when she goes to work later. i think the plan is to go through the pantry and fridge & clean/re-allot spaces for everyone tonight, but this morning i have to do some design work & do a little embroidery before i can do anything. my etsy shop is doing well & i'm doing lots of good work for my clients with good responses, so things are ok right now even though i'm sad for my mom and sad that gitsy's not here.
i applied for a letterpress/graphic design job at this amazing print shop that is hiring in st. louis, so right now i'm trying to wrap my mind around the idea of possibly moving there, or possibly going to grad school. trying to keep all my options open i guess! september is always my favorite month, so i really hope that by this time in october, i'll have more of a concrete plan in front of me
i'm the only one up right now, but last night we gave each other tarot readings and leah told me she'd bring me home some vegan ice cream from the ice cream shop where she works when she goes to work later. i think the plan is to go through the pantry and fridge & clean/re-allot spaces for everyone tonight, but this morning i have to do some design work & do a little embroidery before i can do anything. my etsy shop is doing well & i'm doing lots of good work for my clients with good responses, so things are ok right now even though i'm sad for my mom and sad that gitsy's not here.
i applied for a letterpress/graphic design job at this amazing print shop that is hiring in st. louis, so right now i'm trying to wrap my mind around the idea of possibly moving there, or possibly going to grad school. trying to keep all my options open i guess! september is always my favorite month, so i really hope that by this time in october, i'll have more of a concrete plan in front of me
Thursday, August 21, 2014
moved
so i moved today, and as exhausting as it was, it really wasn't the end of the world. I assure you I will not be leaving this apartment until i find a job and have enough savings to pay movers (this day feels like it was 3 days long and my entire body aches) but i'm doing ok.
my mom and jaime drove up as a surprise to help me move, which was an absolute godsend if nothing more than for the fact the my mom was there when i got to the new place and had a major doubt meltdown. but more on that later! so mom and jaime got here at 230 and alea was there by 3. we ended up having to literally throw my mattress off the balcony, which pisses me off to no end, but we got it down. some random guy walking in the alley named jorge saw how pathetic it was for three girls to be struggling with heavy boxes and offered to help us out, free of charge, and managed to move a lot of heavy shit that took two to three of us to get into the new place, all by himself. he left before we were able to get his contact info, but i know his name and where he works and fully intend on delivering him a thank you and $50 when i make some money and am able to do so. tim came by around 630 and was also a big help.
the room in my new apartment was shared by two people, who both left a lot of stuff in my room, but leah and sam failed to mention this. so when i got to my room (in which i am supposed to squeeze my bed, tv, couch, desk, coffee table, vanity, and all of my other shit that essentially furnished daniella's & my entire apartment) i discovered that nancy had left her bed, her kitchen table, a gigantic red armoire (like ok that's awful but the fact that it was RED was adding insult to injury for me) and a whole bunch of shit in the closet. and for some reason, this was the tipping point for me. i saw my bed leaned up against hers and my shit thrown in the floor of the closet because she still has shelves and hangers and sheets in the way, and i was just hit with a flood of doubt and regret. and i'm pretty sure that if my mom wasn't there to just understand what i was feeling and talk me down, i would have had a complete meltdown and probably would be crying myself to sleep right now instead of being relatively calm about the whole situation.
mom and jaime had to leave around 830 or 9, when we were about halfway done unloading. after a hellacious assembly line load-in to the top floor of a four-flat (without the help of jorge's superstrength), we finally managed to get everything in my room. i drove everyone back to my old apartment with 2 people in the cab with me and three people in the actual uhaul on speakerphone with us (hilarious), returned the uhaul, and bought everyone dinner at jeri's grill. it was only $60 (a gratuitous tip included) for all of us to stuff ourselves (like most people got two meals) and for everyone except me to get desert (i had like 3 diet cokes & was sugared out), and we had a really good time just sitting around and laughing. so worth it, and it made me feel better about making all of these people haul my shit around all day.
tomorrow i have a ridiculously long day ahead of me which includes ditching all of nancy's stuff (eric was kind enough to at least put his in the other room), organizing the closet, assembling my couch and bedframe, and essentially making the place liveable, but i'm not setting an alarm because i worked my ass off and deserve to sleep in.
my mom and jaime drove up as a surprise to help me move, which was an absolute godsend if nothing more than for the fact the my mom was there when i got to the new place and had a major doubt meltdown. but more on that later! so mom and jaime got here at 230 and alea was there by 3. we ended up having to literally throw my mattress off the balcony, which pisses me off to no end, but we got it down. some random guy walking in the alley named jorge saw how pathetic it was for three girls to be struggling with heavy boxes and offered to help us out, free of charge, and managed to move a lot of heavy shit that took two to three of us to get into the new place, all by himself. he left before we were able to get his contact info, but i know his name and where he works and fully intend on delivering him a thank you and $50 when i make some money and am able to do so. tim came by around 630 and was also a big help.
the room in my new apartment was shared by two people, who both left a lot of stuff in my room, but leah and sam failed to mention this. so when i got to my room (in which i am supposed to squeeze my bed, tv, couch, desk, coffee table, vanity, and all of my other shit that essentially furnished daniella's & my entire apartment) i discovered that nancy had left her bed, her kitchen table, a gigantic red armoire (like ok that's awful but the fact that it was RED was adding insult to injury for me) and a whole bunch of shit in the closet. and for some reason, this was the tipping point for me. i saw my bed leaned up against hers and my shit thrown in the floor of the closet because she still has shelves and hangers and sheets in the way, and i was just hit with a flood of doubt and regret. and i'm pretty sure that if my mom wasn't there to just understand what i was feeling and talk me down, i would have had a complete meltdown and probably would be crying myself to sleep right now instead of being relatively calm about the whole situation.
mom and jaime had to leave around 830 or 9, when we were about halfway done unloading. after a hellacious assembly line load-in to the top floor of a four-flat (without the help of jorge's superstrength), we finally managed to get everything in my room. i drove everyone back to my old apartment with 2 people in the cab with me and three people in the actual uhaul on speakerphone with us (hilarious), returned the uhaul, and bought everyone dinner at jeri's grill. it was only $60 (a gratuitous tip included) for all of us to stuff ourselves (like most people got two meals) and for everyone except me to get desert (i had like 3 diet cokes & was sugared out), and we had a really good time just sitting around and laughing. so worth it, and it made me feel better about making all of these people haul my shit around all day.
tomorrow i have a ridiculously long day ahead of me which includes ditching all of nancy's stuff (eric was kind enough to at least put his in the other room), organizing the closet, assembling my couch and bedframe, and essentially making the place liveable, but i'm not setting an alarm because i worked my ass off and deserve to sleep in.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
moving
tomorrow i'm moving and it's exhausting and sad and horrible. and it doesn't help that i don't feel built up by anyone i have a relationship with except blake. ross was too depressed to date me and has been fucking weird since (i just want my book back.) and i'm talking to another guy i met a pixfest who i really want to like but i'm just not feeling amazing about it anymore. my mom is dealing with her own issues and jaime's issues so i can't burden her & yet somehow feel like i am without really even saying much. daniella is being really awful to me and i just cant deal right now.
i just feel like everyone is draining me, and it makes me really sad because i thought things would be different by now. i thought i'd have a job and a little apartment and a boyfriend. and instead i got none of that. and i know i need to keep positive but it's just really hard right now. feeling like ross liked me felt amazing, and i know that i don't need other people to validate me but i liked that connection. and i'm glad that he said something to me and is not with me because i know he's depressed, and he would just be draining me too.
i don't know. everything is scattered right now. sorry for a scattered post
i just feel like everyone is draining me, and it makes me really sad because i thought things would be different by now. i thought i'd have a job and a little apartment and a boyfriend. and instead i got none of that. and i know i need to keep positive but it's just really hard right now. feeling like ross liked me felt amazing, and i know that i don't need other people to validate me but i liked that connection. and i'm glad that he said something to me and is not with me because i know he's depressed, and he would just be draining me too.
i don't know. everything is scattered right now. sorry for a scattered post
Friday, June 27, 2014
Big D, pt. II
basically I have a lot of really positive stuff to blog about in regards to being connected with my church again, but I'm alone for the first time all vacation at a coffee shop (where I should be working, shhhhh) and I just need to vent about some stuff.
I think that the Welbutrin has finally kicked all the way in, and I've had a pretty rough couple of days. (It doesn't help that I'm also about to start my period and am wayyy more emotional than usual.) Ross has had some low days too in the past week, and I've just been thinking a lot about how depression was handled in my last relationship.
I got a message on Wednesday at church that was basically like, "this new guy in your life is really good for you & we support you dating him and see him being a wonderful influence in your life, but you have work to do in your sacral chakra about letting go of your relationship with dylan & until you do that, you're not going to be able to be fully present in your relationship with ross"
ugh.
it's probably true (i mean how can you argue with your dead grandpa), but ugh. the sacral chakra is about sexuality, creativity, intimacy, and empathy, but it also is greatly concerned with fear and guilt. (hah, bingo, ms. guilt internalizer right here!) the problem is that i don't know how to fix these issues, and it's bringing me down. i think maybe a lot of it has to do with letting ross know how things with dylan were so horrible at the end, but i think it's also going to take me to stop comparing my life to dylan's. it doesn't fucking matter what is going on in his life, and i need to keep reminding myself of that no matter how many times he tries to invite me to shows and shit.
i guess this kind of got off track? because i wanted to post about how i'm already proud of ross and me for being able to say "i'm having a low day and i just really need to not skype with you tonight" or " hey, things suck for me today, send me something funny." it just feels like so much more of a team effort in building each other up, already this early in the relationship, when from day one with dylan (even if i didn't see it until later) there was always some manipulation and put-downs (on both of our parts) when it came to issues like this. i think a lot of it comes with being older and having experienced depression firsthand for me, but so much of it is about how open ross is wiling to be with me and how open that makes me want to be with him. i feel like i'm probably still the most emotionally stable in the relationship (which is scary because i don't feel very emotionally stable a lot of the time) but it's better.
I think that the Welbutrin has finally kicked all the way in, and I've had a pretty rough couple of days. (It doesn't help that I'm also about to start my period and am wayyy more emotional than usual.) Ross has had some low days too in the past week, and I've just been thinking a lot about how depression was handled in my last relationship.
I got a message on Wednesday at church that was basically like, "this new guy in your life is really good for you & we support you dating him and see him being a wonderful influence in your life, but you have work to do in your sacral chakra about letting go of your relationship with dylan & until you do that, you're not going to be able to be fully present in your relationship with ross"
ugh.
it's probably true (i mean how can you argue with your dead grandpa), but ugh. the sacral chakra is about sexuality, creativity, intimacy, and empathy, but it also is greatly concerned with fear and guilt. (hah, bingo, ms. guilt internalizer right here!) the problem is that i don't know how to fix these issues, and it's bringing me down. i think maybe a lot of it has to do with letting ross know how things with dylan were so horrible at the end, but i think it's also going to take me to stop comparing my life to dylan's. it doesn't fucking matter what is going on in his life, and i need to keep reminding myself of that no matter how many times he tries to invite me to shows and shit.
i guess this kind of got off track? because i wanted to post about how i'm already proud of ross and me for being able to say "i'm having a low day and i just really need to not skype with you tonight" or " hey, things suck for me today, send me something funny." it just feels like so much more of a team effort in building each other up, already this early in the relationship, when from day one with dylan (even if i didn't see it until later) there was always some manipulation and put-downs (on both of our parts) when it came to issues like this. i think a lot of it comes with being older and having experienced depression firsthand for me, but so much of it is about how open ross is wiling to be with me and how open that makes me want to be with him. i feel like i'm probably still the most emotionally stable in the relationship (which is scary because i don't feel very emotionally stable a lot of the time) but it's better.
Monday, June 23, 2014
the deed
when I realized that things with Ross were going to be serious, I decided that I didn't want to have sex with him before i was going to leave chicago for 3 weeks. After a week of seeing him almost every day, the first week we met, I knew it would be rough to transition so quickly into being back in my parents' house, feeling insecure and child-like again. (My mom has had it rough post-clot #2 and everyone is trying to be nice, but she's on a short fuse and needs a lot of help, which leaves me, the adult child in the house, in a place of being told what to do and fussed over a lot, which is exhausting.) but what's that saying about the best laid plans of mice and men?
Basically we had a perfect opportunity, and we decided to take it. It was rainy out (both our favorite weather) and we had my newly air-conditioned apartment to ourselves. I realized that I didn't want the first time we slept together to be with Daniella 25 feet away. And I'm not sorry that we had sex. It gives me something to anchor myself to when I get into these depressive rifts about my body image & feeling like maybe he doesn't like me as much as I want him to. But of course it sucks to be far away from the person I want to have sex with. Blake sent me a buzzfeed article today about choosing between food and sex, and it made me realize that it's going to be another two full weeks before I can cuddle up with that sweet boy again.
I'm not really sure why I wrote this. I guess it just feels nice for someone to be genuinely interested in me who I also want to be with. And things aren't quite right with me emotionally yet, and I feel like a lot of the time when he tells me that he thinks I'm cute or sexy, it's really hard for me to believe him because I am in such a rough spot with liking my own body right now. And for the first night of having a very bad body image night since then, I am glad to be able to focus on that memory & feel not so shitty.
Basically we had a perfect opportunity, and we decided to take it. It was rainy out (both our favorite weather) and we had my newly air-conditioned apartment to ourselves. I realized that I didn't want the first time we slept together to be with Daniella 25 feet away. And I'm not sorry that we had sex. It gives me something to anchor myself to when I get into these depressive rifts about my body image & feeling like maybe he doesn't like me as much as I want him to. But of course it sucks to be far away from the person I want to have sex with. Blake sent me a buzzfeed article today about choosing between food and sex, and it made me realize that it's going to be another two full weeks before I can cuddle up with that sweet boy again.
I'm not really sure why I wrote this. I guess it just feels nice for someone to be genuinely interested in me who I also want to be with. And things aren't quite right with me emotionally yet, and I feel like a lot of the time when he tells me that he thinks I'm cute or sexy, it's really hard for me to believe him because I am in such a rough spot with liking my own body right now. And for the first night of having a very bad body image night since then, I am glad to be able to focus on that memory & feel not so shitty.
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