my thyroid is going to kill me. rather, it was when i had one. and now apparently my lack of a thyroid is going to kill me. it's intolerably confusing. that's another thing: it messes with one's emotions and thought processes. i should be happy, and i just want to fall off the face of the planet for a few days. and that is creating a rift between dylan and me that i really don't want.
at first i thought i was hurt by him; it was strange because i don't exactly know why, but i felt like i can't possibly compare to his ex of four years. i felt that because he is so much more experienced than me, he would see me as a child. and for some reason, i could not bear to think of him seeing me that way. i have always had an inferiority complex with people i feel are too out of my league to compete with, especially those who are close to me. something just distanced me from him, maybe my final realization that he and his ex were closer than i feel that i can be to him, and i saw him not as my boyfriend but as someone completely unreachable. i worked out some things and realized that i need to focus on my self esteem and try to stay within the realm of reality for a while, but for a few seconds that thought terrified me.
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if there's anything i've learned from what i have with dylan, it's that the world doesn't stop turning just because your head starts. sure, you're holding each other, but you don't stop moving. life won't pause for you; you have to roll with the punches and try to hold your head above water when your significant other gets taken under by a wave. and your sinuses burn and you can't see clearly and you wonder if you'll ever come back up, but even through all that, it's nice to know that the fingers in between yours are there for a reason.
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