brooklyn.

I went to graduation today, and though it signifies the start of my everything, it was a bitter end to so much. I hugged five people--only three of whom I'd planned to and yet so many less than I felt I should have, or wanted to.

After graduation, I ordered yet another ridiculously expensive fast food dinner just because I knew it was time to eat, not because I was hungry. Thyroid.

I went to West Terrace and drew posters for tomorrow--my mom's kids' last day of school. We got to talking about college and this summer and the great unknown that comes along with it. Eventually we got into talking heavily about this summer, and she said that she thought going to New York is a waste of an opportunity to learn skills that I could put towards a career. (This was, in ontext, a little less harsh than it seems here. I was talking about how I can't see myself getting famous from art, don't wish to teach it, but have to have it. Regardless, it was still a little harsh.) We got into talking about it, how I wished she had expressed this before we paid, and she told me that she had tried. But if she had, she had sugarcoated every word to the point that I never got the message.

I just couldn't believe it. I didn't want to go to New York, not anymore.

On the way home, the first song to come up on my shuffle was I and Love and You by the Avett Brothers:


Load the car and write the note
Grab your bag and grab your coat
Tell the ones that need to know
We are headed north

One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay, to live like that
So i cut the ties and i jumped the tracks
For never to return

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

When at first I learned to speak
I used all my words to fight
With him and her and you and me
Oh but its just a waste of time
Yeah its such a waste of time

That woman shes got eyes that shine
Like a pair of stolen polished dimes
She asked to dance I said it's fine
I'll see you in the morning time

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape im in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
What you were then, I am today
Look at the things I do

Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in
Are you aware the shape I'm in
My hands they shake my head it spins
Ah Brooklyn Brooklyn take me in

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age
Your dreams to catch the world, the cage
The highway sets the travelers stage
All exits look the same

Three words that became hard to say
I and love and you
I and love and you
I and love and you

which was followed two songs later with Signs by the Avett Brothers:

It's the place and your friends that got me down
Tellin' me I should not hang around
There's a sign in the window
Tellin' me I've got to go

I see the signs everyday
In your face and in your way that you act
It's not that it hurts my pride
Now I see the other side of you
The side that won't let down
The side that won't let go

I didn't mean for me to see
Things I see in you and me
But know I know that we can't live together
The way I want to live free forever


To me, it was pretty self explanatory. I'm scared to fucking death to go to New York. I've ripped myself bare to the point that I will be entering New York and new person, and returning an even newer one. I have so much riding on this summer that it's not even funny. If Brooklyn, if Pratt, isn't all that I've made it to be in my mind, I don't know what I'll do. This is my rebirth, and no matter what my "dumbed down and numb by time and age" elders have to say, the world isn't going to devour my dreams. I need this summer to prove that I can do something with my art, and more importantly, with myself.