i've been at my parents' 4 or 5 days now and it's nice; i've mostly been drunk or sleeping since i got here (when i'm not wrapping gifts) which has been a wonderful reprieve.
i went to louisville with ivy and dustin for dana's 23rd birthday and i had a really good time; it was just what i needed. and i'm not sure why i'm hesitant to write this here because it's not like anyone is going to judge me for it, but i was kind of drunk and trashy and liked it. i got hit on by several guys; one guy bought me a drink, two boys kissed me, and i kinda hooked up with one of those guys in his car once i started sobering up. scandalous for me, i know.
but it was good. he was sweet and from germany. it's funny, i wrote a note on my phone before i went to sleep that night about how we are able to direct to us the people and experiences that will help us progress, and how the universe will bring them to us. i feel like this experience was one of those. it just seems like if i'd left the bar with anyone else in that whole place, i wouldn't have felt right about it. i know my instincts, and i'm glad i went with them on this one because i feel like what happened was absolutely supposed to.
he had bought me a drink and been talking to me all night, and we kissed for a while on the porch of the bar. i was freaking out when he asked me if i wanted to leave the bar and i talked to my friends about it; dana was giggly and ivy was egging me on, but i was actually really nervous. dustin just came up to me, without context, and said "he's over you. it's okay. you're allowed to do this." and i think i probably teared up a little and was like "yeah, but it's the sentiment of it, you know?" and he just said "he's over you in that way, too." and it was harsh, but it was sobering and true. (looking back now, dustin was absolutely shitfaced and ended up going home with someone he'd known 5 minutes, so i'm not sure why i took that statement as sage advice, but i'm glad i did.) i am so god damn sentimental about everything and i don't want to be that way about dylan anymore, i haven't wanted to be for a very very long time. so last night helped.
it was awkward and kind of weird, and we were moving super fast and i just kind of freaked out and stopped and told the guy to wait, and he stopped, fixed my skirt, gave me his coat, and just talked to me, hugged me. and he was so sweet. after a little bit, we started kissing again and fooled around for a bit, and ended up talking a lot afterward. he told me it had been a while for him and he was glad i freaked out, that he wouldnt have enjoyed it as much had we had sex, and i agreed (not like i planned on going that far anyways). he talked about his life, how he ended up in kentucky from germany, told me how grateful he was for the generosity of his parents, and asked about my life. and i didn't fucking think about anyone else in those moments except for myself. it was fucking wonderful.
i'm not saying that i want for every night at a bar to be like this, but i didn't realize how empowering and fulfilling it would be just to mess around with some guy and then never see him again. i felt sexy and confident; i was fucking proud for a fit 26-year old guy from germany to whisper "god, you're a good kisser" to me under his breath, to tell me i'm hot. and i feel happier since. less attached to whatever weird headspace i was living in in which i was going to bump into dylan in evansville and actually give a fuck about what he thought. in which i owed it to him or anyone else not to have fun and be a single 20-something.
so it was good. maybe a little scandalous, but good.
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