what the fuck did i get myself into?

charming boy. plays jillian, alysha, AND me. sleeps with alysha. tells jillian she's the one he likes most. tells me the same. we converge, find out that we're ALL getting strung along until he can get all three of us into bed.


after a long conversation, he decides that "jillian is just a crush. alysha...she and i were fwb, even though i hate that term. cassie, you're the one i want to be with."

he explained his past, that his first love raped him, drugged him, tried to really hurt him physically and emotionally. he loved her anyways. after that, he just fucked every girl he could. and he cant stop now.


i explained that there would be no thought of sex if i would give him a chance, he likes me romantically. not for my looks, for me.

he agrees.











i didnt promise him a chance with me. i didnt promise anything. i told him to slow it down; alysha would have to dictate when or even IF i could even talk to him.


he asks me to call him, he and alysha are walking to a local bar to get her mom. he keeps me on the phone in front of her; i ask to talk to her.


i can't even describe what her voice sounded like. i dont know what i was thinking even talking to the guy in the first place. i still dont know what i'm going to do.



he's 20, sings in a band. he lives in indiana, but 20 miles fro michigan. thats far away.


i dont know. i told him to have faith. that i have [had? have?] faith in him. he asked me to lunch tomorrow. i said maybe, but was hoping to go.



after hearing alysha, though, i cant stand to even think about him. at all. she sounded SO hurt. so much that i almost cried when i heard her voice. i need her to be okay.


i need for blake [the boy] to stop thinking of me this way, to move out of alysha's house and NOT EVER ask to stay there again, to wait.


but a part of me doesnt want him to wait. not to wait and wait and wait. i want him here for my birthday, for snow, for new years. he was so charming...but charm is always something to watch out for, correct?


so charming, the way he speaks. but the thing is, i have NO REASON TO TRUST HIM, and plenty of reasons not to.

but i still want to talk to him. i still want to know him. i want to be interested in a guy thats interested in me for the first time since last november.





more than anything, i dont want to alienate anyone. and i'm so afraid that i will by talking to blake, especially if he's not looking for what he claimed. especially if i'm just another sucker he can chalk to his list.

help?

I wrote this on my phone in that car

Alright so on monday, my mom and I were talking about religion and I told her how I sometimes doubt the presence of anything--that maybe we make up religion to cushion death.
I'm not sure of what I believe--at all, essentially. I don't think I fully believe in what I've written above, but I'm not sure that I fully believe in any other religion.
I know what I stand for, and why. I can analyze friendships, relationships--their meanings and their strength. But I can't figure a damn thing out as to what is beyond this life.


I don't know what I assumed she'd say, but she freaked out.
Insinuated that I was not thinking, stupid.

So this weekend I drew an ohm symbol on one of my shoes. Again with the freaking. She asked me if I knew it was a religious symbol, that only a week ago, I was saying how I "didn't believe anything" and now I was "drawing it on my shoe as though it defines me." She just doesn't understand. I guess i'd never thought of my family as particularly religious, but I guess I'm finding out new things about more than just myself.

Aren't the teenage years supposed to be a time of question, discovery? Maybe this is why I'm so excited to get my hands on On Identity. Like I said in a comment to Blake, what I think I really need this summer is to actually understand who I am, or at least get close. This is going to sound stupid, but by watching these sundance movies, rereading all of these books that I read long ago--they meant so much to me before, but I never understood them. In all honesty, by not focusing so much on school (and maybe even by letting my grades slip a little), by building these relationships and unveiling their true meaning, I've found myself more than just a little. And maybe On Identity will help me find this closure I've been yearning for, a hint as to what I really believe in.