Alright so on monday, my mom and I were talking about religion and I told her how I sometimes doubt the presence of anything--that maybe we make up religion to cushion death.
I'm not sure of what I believe--at all, essentially. I don't think I fully believe in what I've written above, but I'm not sure that I fully believe in any other religion.
I know what I stand for, and why. I can analyze friendships, relationships--their meanings and their strength. But I can't figure a damn thing out as to what is beyond this life.
I don't know what I assumed she'd say, but she freaked out.
Insinuated that I was not thinking, stupid.
So this weekend I drew an ohm symbol on one of my shoes. Again with the freaking. She asked me if I knew it was a religious symbol, that only a week ago, I was saying how I "didn't believe anything" and now I was "drawing it on my shoe as though it defines me." She just doesn't understand. I guess i'd never thought of my family as particularly religious, but I guess I'm finding out new things about more than just myself.
Aren't the teenage years supposed to be a time of question, discovery? Maybe this is why I'm so excited to get my hands on On Identity. Like I said in a comment to Blake, what I think I really need this summer is to actually understand who I am, or at least get close. This is going to sound stupid, but by watching these sundance movies, rereading all of these books that I read long ago--they meant so much to me before, but I never understood them. In all honesty, by not focusing so much on school (and maybe even by letting my grades slip a little), by building these relationships and unveiling their true meaning, I've found myself more than just a little. And maybe On Identity will help me find this closure I've been yearning for, a hint as to what I really believe in.
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