what the fuck did i get myself into?

charming boy. plays jillian, alysha, AND me. sleeps with alysha. tells jillian she's the one he likes most. tells me the same. we converge, find out that we're ALL getting strung along until he can get all three of us into bed.


after a long conversation, he decides that "jillian is just a crush. alysha...she and i were fwb, even though i hate that term. cassie, you're the one i want to be with."

he explained his past, that his first love raped him, drugged him, tried to really hurt him physically and emotionally. he loved her anyways. after that, he just fucked every girl he could. and he cant stop now.


i explained that there would be no thought of sex if i would give him a chance, he likes me romantically. not for my looks, for me.

he agrees.











i didnt promise him a chance with me. i didnt promise anything. i told him to slow it down; alysha would have to dictate when or even IF i could even talk to him.


he asks me to call him, he and alysha are walking to a local bar to get her mom. he keeps me on the phone in front of her; i ask to talk to her.


i can't even describe what her voice sounded like. i dont know what i was thinking even talking to the guy in the first place. i still dont know what i'm going to do.



he's 20, sings in a band. he lives in indiana, but 20 miles fro michigan. thats far away.


i dont know. i told him to have faith. that i have [had? have?] faith in him. he asked me to lunch tomorrow. i said maybe, but was hoping to go.



after hearing alysha, though, i cant stand to even think about him. at all. she sounded SO hurt. so much that i almost cried when i heard her voice. i need her to be okay.


i need for blake [the boy] to stop thinking of me this way, to move out of alysha's house and NOT EVER ask to stay there again, to wait.


but a part of me doesnt want him to wait. not to wait and wait and wait. i want him here for my birthday, for snow, for new years. he was so charming...but charm is always something to watch out for, correct?


so charming, the way he speaks. but the thing is, i have NO REASON TO TRUST HIM, and plenty of reasons not to.

but i still want to talk to him. i still want to know him. i want to be interested in a guy thats interested in me for the first time since last november.





more than anything, i dont want to alienate anyone. and i'm so afraid that i will by talking to blake, especially if he's not looking for what he claimed. especially if i'm just another sucker he can chalk to his list.

help?

MY FAMILY IS A FISTFUL OF ASSHOLES.

that is all.

honestly, my world is so screwed up lately.

i have so much shame,
disappointment,
embarrassment
at my life
and how i cold put so much more effort into it.
how my mother could come down off her high horse.



sometimes i get these gross periods of my life, where i can't change my outfit or look into a mirror or even think about anything relevant to myself
without getting this horrible, sick-to-my-stomach, disturbingly forceful feeling of dread.




and i have no idea why, but i cant shake it for the longest time.

and that just kills me.

tonight i go to bed

not one bit ashamed, with a determined outlook.




i feel so real right now, so human.
like i'm tied to this body for the first tim in a long time

tomorrow,

i'm going to tidy up my room a bit,
clean out my trunk/find/buy/make a bike rack,
blow up my tires,
and drag my ass to the state hospital.



i want to ride my bike.




that is, if i get up before two in the afternoon...

tonight was fucked up.

that's about it. i just needed to post this somewhere my mom cant read. good night.

this blog is NOT meant to be a downer.

[click on pictures to see full size]

i am a people watcher. i always have been. and that doesnt stop when i get on the internet. i was looking at these people. adorable couple, right? the thing is, theyre real people; i know the guy. normal stuff for some people, but not for me. i only know one person who has had as little experience with this kind of thing as i have.

to me, these pictures are like those that hang in museums--pieces of artwork that are completely out of reach to an amateur like myself. once again, this isnt supposed to be depressing or helpless. i've just realized that i hang out with the exact same people all the time. i need to meet new people for something like this to happen; every time i've had feelings for a boy, he has been someone who i have never really talked to or hung out with before. i need to do something about this. i tell myself every summer that i'm going to find someone who isnt someone who pushes their religion on me or plays dungeons and dragons or imitates his favorite singer or wears little pink polos, but i always end up doing the same thing, meeting no one.

on sunday, my papaw asked me in front of my 15-year-old cousin's 17-year-old boyfriend if i had met any guys during my time in north carolina. i had nothing to say except that this creeper had been following me around during my other cousin's graduation.

i attract freaks. thats what i've decided. and i'm not planning on doing one damn thing about it because it's. not. my. fault. that is my solution.



in other news, i've decided that if i cant make it in san francisco i'm going to move to taos, new mexico. people there build their "earthships" out of recycled cans, bottles, tires, dirt, grass, and water. they look SO amazing, and they are completely self-sufficient, using solar heat panels for utilities and filtering rainwater for usage in the restroom and the kitchen. there's climate control with opeing/closing ceiling bits. a lot of the places even cultivate their own organic foods--this seems like an ideal life style to me. and if i dont want to move to new mexico, i'll build one wherever i want to live. google some pictures, then go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earthship



GOODNIGHT! i'm supposed to be awake in 5 hours =/


hah, i forgot to mention...i'm burned past recognition! yayyyy i cant move hah