yesterday was an awful, awful day for me & it apparently was for a lot of my friends. alea had some pretty rough critiques right in a row, leah broke up with charlie, dan is having problems with his friend who is suicidal & in love with him, and tj feels alone & overstressed. literally last night in the lounge there was at least one person crying at all times. it was pathetic and sad and everyone felt like their own problems were the most important.
katie and i are fighting because she has literally taken over my space. i can't listen to music when i sleep, i can't turn my closet light on, i can't have people over when she's sleeping (even though she has people over to smoke weed while i sleep). And not to mention, she has her posters all over the place & I dont have anywhere to put mine. she completely attacked me yesterday, telling me that i have to use the light from my phone to access my things at night and only that. not to mention she lets people sleep over on my couch (three piss-drunk gay boys in doc martens, nonetheless. doc martens on a white couch? no.) without even telling me they're going to be there, let alone ask.
it's not fair. i'm talking to her today about moving the room around so that my closet is closer to the kitchen and her bed is by the windows. if she won't do that, i'm going to get my RA involved, because this is ridiculous. it was my room first (and i hate saying that but she's a manipulative bitch), and i should be able to feel at home there.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
last night was lovely
i went to a Jessie Baylin concert with isaac last night, and at the end of the night while we were waiting for his train, I reached for his hand & he kissed me. and for the entire time I was kissing him, I wasn't thinking about dylan or how I looked or anything that I always find myself stressing over.
things are nice right now. I don't want to be in love right now, but it's good to feel close to someone and to hold someone's hand and to just be. it's weird; I've realized that I've still been looking at the world through high school eyes, and it doesn't have to be that way. I've already run through these lines once and starting again doesn't mean the same thing as it did the first time.
food for thought
things are nice right now. I don't want to be in love right now, but it's good to feel close to someone and to hold someone's hand and to just be. it's weird; I've realized that I've still been looking at the world through high school eyes, and it doesn't have to be that way. I've already run through these lines once and starting again doesn't mean the same thing as it did the first time.
food for thought
Thursday, February 23, 2012
life moves
yesterday a guy I used to know died. and for some reason it has had the biggest effect on my life. I didn't know him that well, but i remember when he added me on myspace, and i saw him a lot at shows. he was always so nice when we talked online. had i known back then that he would die the day before his nineteenth birthday, i wouldn't have believed it. a lot of people i know have posted about him today and last night, and for some reason i just can't shake it. he was a volunteer firefighter at the fire department by my house. the truck ran off the road and flipped, and he died. it's just hard to believe.
that, and i found out a friend of mine from middle school is pregnant and engaged. it's just incredible to me how life is moving in every different direction around me.
next year i will have an apartment and a job and a dog and a rent payment and a lot of other things that make life feel more tangible. and yet i don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going or when i'm going to fall in love again.
this has been a post, okay then.
that, and i found out a friend of mine from middle school is pregnant and engaged. it's just incredible to me how life is moving in every different direction around me.
next year i will have an apartment and a job and a dog and a rent payment and a lot of other things that make life feel more tangible. and yet i don't know what i'm doing or where i'm going or when i'm going to fall in love again.
this has been a post, okay then.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
yesterday was a stress bomb
quite literally.
being a 12-hour day as all of my tuesdays are, every moment of my day yesterday was in some way rushed. I started the morning with having forgotten to prepare a presentation for my class' craft teach-in that day and, after being called to give the first presentation, had to work on my feet to teach a class of crafters how to use adobe illustrator. which would have been a feat even if i had been prepared.
after lunch, I worked in the woodshop for three hours, scavenging for scrap wood and operating a ginormous table saw with teeny tiny pieces of wood. questionable emotional stability due to unpreparedness for the day + fear for my life/fingers = an incredibly nerve-wracking afternoon.
following that I had a 1.5 hour typography lab which I spent finishing the homework due that day & then tumbling while still trying to keep up. a classmate at this point told me that I had 22 type layouts due the next day, bound into a book. (this was the point at which i started panicking because i had felt so on top of things but had forgotten so much work.)
my last class of the day (a 3-hour fibers lab) consisted of holding back tears while trying to justify the point of view of a piece I hadn't read and then sitting in front of a sewing machine. ripping and joining fabrics was the only relaxed part of my day.
after that i went home and pulled an all-nighter to finish my type assignment for the class i'm in now. come to find out the girl who told me it was due was wrong; it's not due until next class, but I didn't know since I missed last class. oops! at least i feel ahead for the first time in a few days. Since I've already finished what my class will be working on today, I can use the morning half to fix up my sleepy type work & take the second half to catch up on my art history homework (a take-home quiz due tomorrow) and think of proposals for my newest project, which I'll have to start developing on friday.
I talked to alea last night about some mixed emotions i've been having about seeing someone (isaac) and possibly feeling conflicted because of my feelings for someone else (dan). But she really did help me in determining that I'm just overthinking things and I shouldn't let that ruin the good thing I've got going with Isaac. He was so sweet yesterday after I explained that I practically ignored him all day because my stress was too high to deal with his texts, and that's what I need right now. Sweetness. And best friends in Bloomington and Chicago to get me through this rough time. And I need to start being that for more people.
I also find out about the RA position today, too, which is another matter in itself. I've already listed all the reasons I want it/it won't be the end of the world if I don't get it, but it'd sure be a nice end to my stressful few days to find out ResLife wants me.
long sigh of relief.
this day will be easy.
being a 12-hour day as all of my tuesdays are, every moment of my day yesterday was in some way rushed. I started the morning with having forgotten to prepare a presentation for my class' craft teach-in that day and, after being called to give the first presentation, had to work on my feet to teach a class of crafters how to use adobe illustrator. which would have been a feat even if i had been prepared.
after lunch, I worked in the woodshop for three hours, scavenging for scrap wood and operating a ginormous table saw with teeny tiny pieces of wood. questionable emotional stability due to unpreparedness for the day + fear for my life/fingers = an incredibly nerve-wracking afternoon.
following that I had a 1.5 hour typography lab which I spent finishing the homework due that day & then tumbling while still trying to keep up. a classmate at this point told me that I had 22 type layouts due the next day, bound into a book. (this was the point at which i started panicking because i had felt so on top of things but had forgotten so much work.)
my last class of the day (a 3-hour fibers lab) consisted of holding back tears while trying to justify the point of view of a piece I hadn't read and then sitting in front of a sewing machine. ripping and joining fabrics was the only relaxed part of my day.
after that i went home and pulled an all-nighter to finish my type assignment for the class i'm in now. come to find out the girl who told me it was due was wrong; it's not due until next class, but I didn't know since I missed last class. oops! at least i feel ahead for the first time in a few days. Since I've already finished what my class will be working on today, I can use the morning half to fix up my sleepy type work & take the second half to catch up on my art history homework (a take-home quiz due tomorrow) and think of proposals for my newest project, which I'll have to start developing on friday.
I talked to alea last night about some mixed emotions i've been having about seeing someone (isaac) and possibly feeling conflicted because of my feelings for someone else (dan). But she really did help me in determining that I'm just overthinking things and I shouldn't let that ruin the good thing I've got going with Isaac. He was so sweet yesterday after I explained that I practically ignored him all day because my stress was too high to deal with his texts, and that's what I need right now. Sweetness. And best friends in Bloomington and Chicago to get me through this rough time. And I need to start being that for more people.
I also find out about the RA position today, too, which is another matter in itself. I've already listed all the reasons I want it/it won't be the end of the world if I don't get it, but it'd sure be a nice end to my stressful few days to find out ResLife wants me.
long sigh of relief.
this day will be easy.
Monday, February 20, 2012
i have finally deleted everything of dylan from my life
he's been blocked from everything of mine except for my tumblr (I love my url too much--I guess I just won't be able to post as much personal stuff on there) and i've deleted all of his pictures. i expected it to be freeing, but i felt nothing--a sure sign that i'm over him. and that feels especially great.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
oh and btw
to dylan, although I honestly hope you've moved on enough never to see this: you can't say you miss me one day and broadcast on your Facebook that i sent your heart through a wood chipper the next. you cant post things on your blog that say "you can pretend you dont know me but I've seen you naked" when you're the one who told me not to talk to you or your family. you can't say you'd still love to have me back when your best friend has been harassing me on Facebook with the intention of making me feel like shit.
it's not fair for you to make me feel guilty for moving on. you need to let me go.
it's not fair for you to make me feel guilty for moving on. you need to let me go.
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