nostalgia

following Blake's post, I've been thinking a lot about nostalgia and te feeling of missing something in my life. I've been lonely lately (I can always tell because I find myself calling both of my parents close to every day, and I know by their voices that they're even tired of hearing from me), which has been really difficult. Things with Isaac aren't what I thought they would be, so I have been contemplating just letting that go. Luckily I think he feels the same way (we haven't talked since Friday) so that shouldn't be a big deal. I tried doing the whole I-kind-of-like-you-but-I-really-just-want-to-make-out-with-you thing and I'm not sure how I feel about it, except that it doesn't fit my life right now. I like being single, not owing my time or energy into anyone but myself, and I'm not going to forfeit those things for someone I don't actually care about. I'm ready to care about someone again, and be cared about.

Which brings me to the point of this post: I think I'm finally 150% over dylan. I don't know when it happened, but I realized today that I don't remember how his body fit against mine or even what he smelled like, only that I liked it at some point in time. I don't think of him when I'm crying and need someone there, or when I'm lonely in my bed at night. I don't remember what it's like to be in love anymore. Only that it was nice and it was good and it helped me grow. And that's sad, yes. But i think it works in the same way that the mind erases past pains. It lets you try again and be swept up in the moment all over again without thinking of the time before, which is comforting. Dylan was a great love of my life and I miss having contact with him, but I'm glad that my brain has erased the bad, erased the hurt, erased the bliss. It's just memory now, a part of me that holds little bias in relation to y other memories.

Another thing about Dylan: I re-read the Little Soul and the Sun, and read the Valkyries by Paulo Coelho, and it occurred to me mid-read (I ended up in tears in the lounge, staring at a children's book) that Dylan and I likely made a pact before life to affect each other in the way we have. One of us chose to be darkness to help both of us grow and forgive, and that makes me so happy. And it makes me able to forgive him and to forgive myself, because I don't know who was playing the darkness. And it was made abundantly clear to me that the reason I fell out of love so quickly (or at least all of a sudden realized it) and why I was able to process so quickly is because my guides made it so. My guides told me I wasn't suppose to be with Dylan anymore, and that's why I did it. Because I knew that no matter how wrong it felt at first, someone was telling me it was right. And I think it was for him as much as it was for me. I think I needed to clear the way for something bigger and better in his life, and that it was time for me to move on. That my process of this breakup wasn't important but his is, which is why it was so quick for me an wont be for him. Spirit works in mysterious ways.

And it helped me remind myself of my faith, of why I NEEDED to get my tattoo even though no one else understood. The women of my family are going to Lily Dale this summer and it's perfect timing. I almost cried when my mom told me. I can't wait. Hopefully I can spend some time in North Carolina, too, take some classes at church, be a part of a few circles. I honestly would like to take next year off just to study under someone, but that can wait until after college when I have more knowledge of myself.

Speaking of church things, remember how I just couldn't drop Jeremy's death? Well, he came through in a reading to my younger cousin Natalie (also a firefighter) just to deliver the message that he was okay. He came through as "someone of Natalie's generation whose name begins with a J and had died tragically very recently," and I find it so fitting that he contacted another firefighter. Nat didn't know who it was, but my aunt remembered hearing about Jeremy's death from my mom, and brought it up. My mom called to tell me in the middle of class and I bawled my eyes out in front of everyone. I'm tearing up now jut thinking of it.

This has sparked so much more in my mind but it's getting late and I have to sleep.