oh, robert

how is it that you can say something so perfectly blase as "i'm tired"
and turn it into a work of art?:

"like bended blades of grass- necks held heavy by first frost
I am still strong
but I am not standing right now"



i just feel the need to thank the world right now
for veterans day, a nice little break from the worries of this week
for a boyfriend who understands that some emotions are just too scary to deal with; who is eternally warm and THERE for me.
for a best friend who sees the reason behind my actions, because god knows i've forgotten
for a lovely little creature who needs me to snuggle with
for a mom who realizes that i need help with some things
for such a thing as music
for people like david levithan and rob kelly, who can relay my innermost feelings to me from a typed word; who make this world seem a little more aesthetic




i'm going to go slap together a commentary, and drown myself in candles and novels about lesbians and psych wards...anything to keep my mind off of reality.

tomorrow i have to clean out my car,
this weekend i need to clean my room.

clean things always make me happier.

lexapro

i've been thinking a lot
about how i feel a lot

and i honestly just can't take how weighted down i am.
so once my family saves up some money
and i figure out if i'm still hypothyroid,
i'm going to have to decide whether or not i want to try taking lexapro.

i've talked to my mom about it. she says
it will just make my emotions lighter, that it won't actually change my personality
but i worry that i'll lose the depth of my happy feelings along with the bad.
you know?

so i've got some more thinking to do
but at this point, i'm leaning towards trying it.

i hate to put things into my body that don't naturally occur,
but i really can't keep going on like this.

hummm.
we'll see.

another weekend wasted.

this week will, inevitably, be just like the last--rushing through assignment after assignment (that is, if i even bother to do it) just to get minute amounts of sleep between puppysitting and finding time to be human, the only real goal being to make it out of school unscathed on friday at 3:15.

lather, rinse, repeat.

in more exciting news, i've had an absolute blast making a mockery of the atypical typical high school drama that has been sweeping the corridors of sig; that is, except for the fact that mono is running rampant through my group of friends, who has "community everything," from drinks to food to money to plans for cremation (haha). especially because i'm one of the few in our group who has a boyfriend, i'll feel sooper responsible if dylan or anyone else gets it--because of my iron deficiency and my hashimoto's, my immune system is on the fritz. meaning i most likely have it, as indicated by the sharp pains where my spleen is and my swollen, stiff neck.

i'm getting tested tomorrow, i believe.


ughhhhh. i guess i should go and study for my math test now.

oh, wait.

i'd like to point out that this boy amazes and inspires me. i'm absolutely, head over heels in love with him. and knowing that he is standing by my side gets me from day to day, through those long depressing nights.

he is my home.

depression settles in

at night,

something about my synthroid levels.
which is why i have perfectly fine, balanced days and still practically cry myself to sleep every night.


just thought i'd tell someone other than my momma.




i'm sleepy
and i need to study =/

today exceeded expectations

i woke up, having fallen asleep with gitsy in my arms, to a lost puppy, greasy hair, and an unfinished painting.

so i got dressed (good self esteem day), grabbed my unfinished painting, kissed my doggie byebye, and left for school..

..twenty minutes later than i should have. without my phone or my coffee.

having been going 20mph over the speed limit wherever possible, i wound up at the locust st parking garage around 7:24. the gate was open, the teller was MIA. i felt horrible about it, but pulled in anyways (thinking i'd just pay the maximum fare, $5.25, instead of my usual $4.75), got my stuff together, and ran for the main building.

somehow i made it on time.

after a surprisingly not too boring tok class, i remembered that the bio test was TODAY. and i hadn't read or studied ANYTHING. i used first period to scribble notes, scrambling to answer the assessment statements. same in psychology; though i really felt the need to bring up the butterfly effect, i know my priorities and tuned everyone out in order to answer the remaining statements.

lunch was good. peaceful and happy.

bio test was next! so easy i couldn't believe it...i knew 8/9 answers AND felt really confident in the 8 answers i put down. also, we worked on labs. jillian wasn't there so i ended up having to work with eb. i generally would have been disappointed in that fact, but he was really kind and helpful, moreso than jillian might have been, and hilarious. i was really glad i got to work with him, although he totally has personal space issues.

now that my foremost dread was over, art was left. DREAD! but it actually turned out really well...mrs goodridge didn't eat me, and i got some good work done.

music theatre was actually really fun. i did a full heel stretch with my right leg, and managed to do a pretty kickass splits in skinny jeans. no conditioning, and we got let out a little early.

i walked to my car and handed the teller at the garage a ten dollar bill, explaining my situation. he let me out free of charge, said that "they" wouldn't know any difference if i didn't pay because i wouldn't be marked on the ledger. COOL BEANS, FREE PARKING!

all in all, my day was rad.
and that gives me hope for tomorrow, because so much of today was hypothesized to be horrible and i came home smiling. tomorrow must be as good :]

the butterfly effect

so this morning, i watched the butterfly effect.
ever since, i haven't been able to get out of this mindset.

don't get me wrong, the movie amazed me and continues to captivate me, but it fucked with the way i look at the world. frankly, it disturbed me. now, the fact that a movie can move someone to such emotion and even physical pain gives me hope for the world, but i don't always enjoy being so moved.

the movie gives me doubt as to the sufficiency and, more importantly, the purpose of my life. if each decision can have such devastating effects on the outcome of future life, why the fuck am i sitting here blogging and texting my friends and petting my puppy instead of doing my homework? why aren't i out partying, why don't i spend more time with my boyfriend, why don't i just give up on sig? why don't i give up on everything? why don't i try harder? my HARDEST?

dylan and i talked in a way that we hadn't for a long time, the kind of talk that i really love and appreciate--we don't always see eye to eye, but it's not that one sees the other as naiive or wrong, just having a different viewpoint. and we came to the conclusion that we're both people-pleasers. i'm so scared of being looked down upon by others, by changing their view of me, that i would do ANYTHING to my own self-esteem and self-assurance to keep up the illusion that i am just fine.

and i'm letting go of that. i know that the whole point of the butterfly effect is to show the stupidity and futility of regret, but it's had the opposite effect on me; i'm sick to my stomach, crying, stressing over things i cannot control, like my inability to change my insufficiencies in the past.

i dunno.

i'll give myself some time to think i guess