the butterfly effect

so this morning, i watched the butterfly effect.
ever since, i haven't been able to get out of this mindset.

don't get me wrong, the movie amazed me and continues to captivate me, but it fucked with the way i look at the world. frankly, it disturbed me. now, the fact that a movie can move someone to such emotion and even physical pain gives me hope for the world, but i don't always enjoy being so moved.

the movie gives me doubt as to the sufficiency and, more importantly, the purpose of my life. if each decision can have such devastating effects on the outcome of future life, why the fuck am i sitting here blogging and texting my friends and petting my puppy instead of doing my homework? why aren't i out partying, why don't i spend more time with my boyfriend, why don't i just give up on sig? why don't i give up on everything? why don't i try harder? my HARDEST?

dylan and i talked in a way that we hadn't for a long time, the kind of talk that i really love and appreciate--we don't always see eye to eye, but it's not that one sees the other as naiive or wrong, just having a different viewpoint. and we came to the conclusion that we're both people-pleasers. i'm so scared of being looked down upon by others, by changing their view of me, that i would do ANYTHING to my own self-esteem and self-assurance to keep up the illusion that i am just fine.

and i'm letting go of that. i know that the whole point of the butterfly effect is to show the stupidity and futility of regret, but it's had the opposite effect on me; i'm sick to my stomach, crying, stressing over things i cannot control, like my inability to change my insufficiencies in the past.

i dunno.

i'll give myself some time to think i guess