and it was absolute tops
dylan and I are past the honeymoon phase after having sex for the first time when everything is about sex all the time, but not so far out of it as to lose the experience of learning something new about each other when we do.
plus it had been almost three weeks, but it felt like it had been forever.
just wanted to put it out there somewhere, and this is the only real safe place.
back home and it's good; Dylan's family heckled me into coming over for thanksgiving and dylan is coming to my house as well (I think) which will be a great new thing. coming home after being at college is lovely. I get the comforts of home with almost all the same freedoms as I have at college (or at least the ones I want--most I don't need because I have family and gitsy and dylan, and soon I will have blake!)
anyways
3 days until I get to see my best friend again!! <3
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
the mania sets in
i just watched the last glee episode (the first time--all about romance and sex and budding love) and earlier, in the common room, saw a preview for a movie about a long-distance relationship and had to keep myself from crying both times.
it's stupid, so so stupid, but my missing dylan is like a wound, ready to peek out from behind its bandaid and bleed profusely at any given moment. i just want him here
it's stupid, so so stupid, but my missing dylan is like a wound, ready to peek out from behind its bandaid and bleed profusely at any given moment. i just want him here
i love my wednesday class because we journal every morning,
and journaling lets me keep up with blake and center myself all at the same time. I feel like I don't journal enough..too much blogging. I don't write enough of the personal things down in a place where i wont be embarrassed by them later and rip the pages out or delete the post.
so i will talk about things that matter.
i miss home right now. i love the city, and i'm pushing myself to a schedule so i don't get hopeless to the point of apathy again (which always seems to happen on tuesday nights, after a 12+ hour day after an all-nighter because i put off my homework for way too long.
but i miss home.
i miss coffee with blake. (i miss being able to catch up in person, to sit in one of our cars and laugh and cry and not care about anything else. i miss being able to share my life with someone. it's been lonely, in that matter. I have friends, but not the kind of friends who actually want to hear the things I need to say to someone.)
i miss dylan. (i miss the carefree-ness, of sharing everything. what i would give right now to be in bed with him, half-naked, just watching a movie. or sitting in the bathtub watching him shower while my conditioner sets. i know these moments were real, but the stark removal of dylan in everything makes me think i made them up sometimes.)
i miss my mom. i haven't been in contact with her much, and i miss her. i have a package waiting for me at the dorm from her, and i can't wait to get out of class so i can open it. i miss my mom and my family a lot.
but i'm busying myself; i'm committing to working out, to eating more healthy, to being better overall.
and it's making things better.
so i will talk about things that matter.
i miss home right now. i love the city, and i'm pushing myself to a schedule so i don't get hopeless to the point of apathy again (which always seems to happen on tuesday nights, after a 12+ hour day after an all-nighter because i put off my homework for way too long.
but i miss home.
i miss coffee with blake. (i miss being able to catch up in person, to sit in one of our cars and laugh and cry and not care about anything else. i miss being able to share my life with someone. it's been lonely, in that matter. I have friends, but not the kind of friends who actually want to hear the things I need to say to someone.)
i miss dylan. (i miss the carefree-ness, of sharing everything. what i would give right now to be in bed with him, half-naked, just watching a movie. or sitting in the bathtub watching him shower while my conditioner sets. i know these moments were real, but the stark removal of dylan in everything makes me think i made them up sometimes.)
i miss my mom. i haven't been in contact with her much, and i miss her. i have a package waiting for me at the dorm from her, and i can't wait to get out of class so i can open it. i miss my mom and my family a lot.
but i'm busying myself; i'm committing to working out, to eating more healthy, to being better overall.
and it's making things better.
Monday, November 7, 2011
in this moment, i am happy
because dylan is here
because i am in love
because my dorm smells like irish spring and apricots; like dylan
because i have my tattoo
(because said tattoo didn't & doesn't hurt at all)
because my fridge is stocked
because my fan is fixed
because nearly all of my homework is complete
because i got new plugs for $2 yesterday
because tomorrow is monday
because i have no classes on monday
because dylan is asleep next to me with a smile on his face
because i am wearing his shirt
because i love my classes
because macy's has their giant christmas decorations up all down the block
because judgement has left my life
because i have never felt closer to anyone as the boy next to me
because my new roommate moves in in two weeks
because my new roommate is actually a cool person who thinks for some reason that i am a cool person
because next thursday i will see morrissey live in concert
because things are getting easier
because i am living in a community of people who appreciate what i do
because things are not normal with dylan here
because it's good to break the routine every few weeks
because things will return to normal when dylan leaves
because daylight savings time means it's only 3am, not 4
because my job as an art student is to self-actualize
because i will have a job that gives me money when i get back home
because i love my job at solaris
because i will be home in 17 days
because people turn to me when they need help
because i am becoming a better person
because i am being healthy
because i love to ride my bike, and it's still warm enough
because i feel big things coming
because i'm making myself be open to the good things in the world, and i didn't for too long of a time in my life
because i am in love
because my dorm smells like irish spring and apricots; like dylan
because i have my tattoo
(because said tattoo didn't & doesn't hurt at all)
because my fridge is stocked
because my fan is fixed
because nearly all of my homework is complete
because i got new plugs for $2 yesterday
because tomorrow is monday
because i have no classes on monday
because dylan is asleep next to me with a smile on his face
because i am wearing his shirt
because i love my classes
because macy's has their giant christmas decorations up all down the block
because judgement has left my life
because i have never felt closer to anyone as the boy next to me
because my new roommate moves in in two weeks
because my new roommate is actually a cool person who thinks for some reason that i am a cool person
because next thursday i will see morrissey live in concert
because things are getting easier
because i am living in a community of people who appreciate what i do
because things are not normal with dylan here
because it's good to break the routine every few weeks
because things will return to normal when dylan leaves
because daylight savings time means it's only 3am, not 4
because my job as an art student is to self-actualize
because i will have a job that gives me money when i get back home
because i love my job at solaris
because i will be home in 17 days
because people turn to me when they need help
because i am becoming a better person
because i am being healthy
because i love to ride my bike, and it's still warm enough
because i feel big things coming
because i'm making myself be open to the good things in the world, and i didn't for too long of a time in my life
Monday, October 10, 2011
oh, chicago
i'm back in my dorm after having spent three lovely nights in my old room, snuggling with my baby gitsy and soaking up the surreal normalcy that was being back in evansville. it's strange to think that a mere 14 hours ago i was lying in dylan's arms in my tiny twin bed, the fall sun leaking through my skyblue curtains casting our blue shadows against the now bare walls.
everything else is normal, though; it doesn't seem odd to me that gitsy is probably fast asleep in jaime's bed, having forgotten that i was ever there, that my room is empty, that my car is filled with my dad's and brother's things, stripped of its trademark bumper stickers. i don't know what to think of that; maybe it's a sign. for now, all i know is that as nice as it was to go home, it feels right to be here without those things i thrived on for so long, and it doesn't always feel right to be here without dylan.
i've adapted surprisingly well to the long-distance thing. i actually really like the personal space, as long as we have good communication (we do) and i get to see him every few weeks (i have). i still miss him, but it's manageable and it's okay. it just doesn't always seem right, and that's what makes me happy, honestly...if it seemed right for me to be here without him, i wouldn't give him the space in my life. amy and i talked for a long time this weekend and she was surprised we were still together, said that the next few months would be the test. she asked me if he was the one, and i hesitated. she said that meant he wasn't, that i'd know. but how can i know something like that? as my first boyfriend, i don't know anything other than the experiences i've shared with him. all i know is that i'm so, so happy when we're on good terms and the fact that something seems off about his not being here makes me know that he's supposed to be a part of my life, at least for now. the thing is, when we fight, sometimes i can't believe i'm with him. at least, that's how it was in the past...i feel like he has matured so much since we first started dating, and the way that he has been acting the past two weeks (applying for job after job, building his portfolio, thinking about colleges, saving money) gives me hope for our future together. i feel as though i can be more open with him about almost everything, which has been good. of course there are the few holds barred from past fights that keep me from openly discussing everything i want to for fear of wrecking this rhythm we've got going, but for now it's okay. i like where we are and where it appears we're going.
even when/if we do break up, i want dylan to be a part of my life. i want to be able to say, hey things aren't good right now. can i crash at your place? and i want him to be able to send me tickets to his first headlining show. i want the lines to be open and not awkward. and maybe that will change with conflicts i'm sure we're going to have in the future, but for now that means something to me.
wow what a rant i'm not even going to read back through it. hope it makes sense
everything else is normal, though; it doesn't seem odd to me that gitsy is probably fast asleep in jaime's bed, having forgotten that i was ever there, that my room is empty, that my car is filled with my dad's and brother's things, stripped of its trademark bumper stickers. i don't know what to think of that; maybe it's a sign. for now, all i know is that as nice as it was to go home, it feels right to be here without those things i thrived on for so long, and it doesn't always feel right to be here without dylan.
i've adapted surprisingly well to the long-distance thing. i actually really like the personal space, as long as we have good communication (we do) and i get to see him every few weeks (i have). i still miss him, but it's manageable and it's okay. it just doesn't always seem right, and that's what makes me happy, honestly...if it seemed right for me to be here without him, i wouldn't give him the space in my life. amy and i talked for a long time this weekend and she was surprised we were still together, said that the next few months would be the test. she asked me if he was the one, and i hesitated. she said that meant he wasn't, that i'd know. but how can i know something like that? as my first boyfriend, i don't know anything other than the experiences i've shared with him. all i know is that i'm so, so happy when we're on good terms and the fact that something seems off about his not being here makes me know that he's supposed to be a part of my life, at least for now. the thing is, when we fight, sometimes i can't believe i'm with him. at least, that's how it was in the past...i feel like he has matured so much since we first started dating, and the way that he has been acting the past two weeks (applying for job after job, building his portfolio, thinking about colleges, saving money) gives me hope for our future together. i feel as though i can be more open with him about almost everything, which has been good. of course there are the few holds barred from past fights that keep me from openly discussing everything i want to for fear of wrecking this rhythm we've got going, but for now it's okay. i like where we are and where it appears we're going.
even when/if we do break up, i want dylan to be a part of my life. i want to be able to say, hey things aren't good right now. can i crash at your place? and i want him to be able to send me tickets to his first headlining show. i want the lines to be open and not awkward. and maybe that will change with conflicts i'm sure we're going to have in the future, but for now that means something to me.
wow what a rant i'm not even going to read back through it. hope it makes sense
Friday, October 7, 2011
homebound
tonight i'm leaving on a train. i'll get back to evansville at midnight.
i'm terribly excited.
i'm terribly excited.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Journaling
For my community based practices class on Wednesdays, we're required to journal every morning for the first fifteen minutes. So far I've just been writing in my notebook, scribbling things down for the first five to ten minutes and then staring at the wall for the last five, maybe sketching if I feel up to it. Some way or another, all of my journal pages end up lost or doodled all over, so I decided that from now on, I'll use Wednesday mornings to update my blog. Here goes!
This week, the sun has returned to Chicago. After three weeks of freezing (okay, fifty degree) weather, walking outside allows you to feel the warmth of the sun on your back, and, being too bleary-eyed to bike a half-mile to my farthest class after a cruel 7 am fire drill (especially cruel because I had gone to bed at 6), I took the train in the morning and walked the city the rest of my day. Biking in a big city means no music; it takes too much concentration from the real feat at hand, facing taxis and buses and darting through pedestrians. So yesterday I enjoyed the city with the sun on my back to the Decemberists. Most of the time in the dorm, Sarah and I share the quiet. Things get too hectic between our tastes in music (hers: Christian ballads, Korean acoustic, and Copeland (which is nice, but not on constant repeat), and mine: well, you guys know best) so most of the time and music is quiet, hummed to ourselves at our desks or played softly at night. Yesterday I turned the volume all the way up and bounced from class to class. It was lovely.
Today I have class from nine to four, and then I'm going to bike down to the grocery store (I never realized how much food, even when you buy it at the grocery store and make it yourself, takes from your checking account. Week by week, I'm always confused as to where my money is going. The answer is always groceries.) I suppose I'll start packing my clothes for the weekend, and finish my cleaning duties for the week. I really should start my core class homework, but I'm telling you: I hate that class. I thought I was going to like it, but I am not a filmmaker. I'm not an animation artist. I don't do audio tracks. I don't like it. Luckily I switch teachers halfway through the class, but still.
Anyways, journal time is over.
This week, the sun has returned to Chicago. After three weeks of freezing (okay, fifty degree) weather, walking outside allows you to feel the warmth of the sun on your back, and, being too bleary-eyed to bike a half-mile to my farthest class after a cruel 7 am fire drill (especially cruel because I had gone to bed at 6), I took the train in the morning and walked the city the rest of my day. Biking in a big city means no music; it takes too much concentration from the real feat at hand, facing taxis and buses and darting through pedestrians. So yesterday I enjoyed the city with the sun on my back to the Decemberists. Most of the time in the dorm, Sarah and I share the quiet. Things get too hectic between our tastes in music (hers: Christian ballads, Korean acoustic, and Copeland (which is nice, but not on constant repeat), and mine: well, you guys know best) so most of the time and music is quiet, hummed to ourselves at our desks or played softly at night. Yesterday I turned the volume all the way up and bounced from class to class. It was lovely.
Today I have class from nine to four, and then I'm going to bike down to the grocery store (I never realized how much food, even when you buy it at the grocery store and make it yourself, takes from your checking account. Week by week, I'm always confused as to where my money is going. The answer is always groceries.) I suppose I'll start packing my clothes for the weekend, and finish my cleaning duties for the week. I really should start my core class homework, but I'm telling you: I hate that class. I thought I was going to like it, but I am not a filmmaker. I'm not an animation artist. I don't do audio tracks. I don't like it. Luckily I switch teachers halfway through the class, but still.
Anyways, journal time is over.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)