too many things

i have too many things to say and i just want to scream them until i get some sort of fucking reaction from you. i dont understand why youre upsetting me this much. i go from hating your guts and realizing how pointless you are in my life and being fine to feeling sad and broken and what the fuck ever, and i cant control it and that's what scares me. you had nothing to lose and i lost it all.

closure

finally got the closure i needed from dylan. after texting him several times earlier in the week regarding our work schedules at solaris and telling him once again that i'm sorry but needed to work at solaris because i had promised amy before he and i broke up that i would work there summers and winters during college, and i'm hard strapped for cash. he responded last night at midnight, 4 days later, saying that he's been over me for a while now and sorry for not telling me when he knew for sure that he was okay like he had promised he would. he didn't keep his promise. and because of that, i've still been worried about what my coming back to evansville was going to do to him, how his progress might suffer and relapse, how things might get bad again. but no, he's been fine while i've been tearing myself apart trying to make this easy for him when he really doesn't give a shit. it just proves that i've always cared more for him than he ever gave a shit about me. and maybe i'm not 100% over him, but i dont think you ever can get 100% over the first person you fell in love with, the person who you gave your virginity, someone who used to mean everything. and i should have taken that into consideration; i wasn't any of those things to him and he was all of them to me.

sleeping with the window open

as though the widened shutters would bring your car along the circle drive and down the street. seein you today confused me, being home when you are here makes me forget my progress and long to be back in November, when I thought for the first time that I might marry you. I need to see my therapist, I need you to say something. anything at all, even spitting hatred would be better than this.

thought that hit me tonight for the first time (surprised it didn't sooner):

if dylan promised to change his ways, if he got on medicine and took up feminism and never ever left me alone when I needed him again, would i start things over with him & try again?

sometimes i wonder

sometimes i wonder if there will ever be a guy out there for me who gets feminism. sounds stupid, but it's so fucking important to me and it doesn't mean shit to any of the guys who have made their presence in my life known. even tj. i love the kid to death, but last night he told me that he talked to his ex about his possibly still having feelings for her and she said she still might have feelings for him, too. so you know what he did after that? he asked her how many people she had sex with after they broke up. after he told me he was going to and i told him not to. and then he got upset at me last night for telling him he crossed a line with her. he just doesn't get it. i dont know but lately i'm just not about anyone telling other people what to do or judging them for the decisions that they make. tj chalks it up to "wanting a girl who has standards" and yeah, i might be wary of dating a guy who goes through girl after girl, but if he really liked her that wouldn't matter. and i wouldnt want a guy who asked me how many people i'd slept with to help him decide whether he should date me or not. dan just came over so im ending this rant early, but i'll probably come back to it.

drafting love letters to ex-lovers (happy 200th post!)

to you
you've been on my mind a lot lately, a nagging thought I can't shake, and almost every day I contemplate picking up the phone. you see I watched this film the other day, one that we had always planned to watch together, about love and loss and being away from each other. and for a while that made me miss you. I've been trying very hard not to, and it has been relatively easy to mark the absence where you once were just that: a nameless empty space where something used to be, no dylan-shaped hole in my heart.

I can't being myself to contact you, it'd be cruel and for my own benefit. I just want to know that you're okay without messing up whatever progress you've made, but it's not possible. so I sit and wait to hear from you, dream of the day when you can tell me that you're over me, that all is forgiven, that you're going to start your life. because all I want is for you to be happy and it kills me that you can't be.

I'm so sorry that things couldn't work out, but you have to know as well as I that it wouldn't have lasted. there were things bigger than us at play. and I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you through the darkest of your depression. it still breaks me to this day to imagine how alone you must have felt, and I'm so so sorry. I would never wish that on you. I loved you very much, loved you with every fiber of my being and with all the intensity I could imagine. but sometimes people are only in our lives for short periods of burning bright love or friendship and then diaappear, like meteors. you were my comet and I hope that someday you can forgive me enough to think of me in the same way.

I don't know that we can ever be friends but know that I will always care for you.

things to do when you're drunk

eat dark chocolate and goldfish crackers
listen to mogwai
lie in bed and feel how good the blanket feels when you wiggle a little
be thankful for autocorrect because otherwise this would td be legible