i have no idea who i have become, this year

and yet, i feel more certain of who i really am
than i have ever been.

i let this year so causally slip by, as i got lazier and lazier
in the school world, that is.

socially, i have become that butterfly i have always known was waiting
inside
for the perfect situation, this
which is now my life.

i sometimes wonder if this is how it is supposed to be,
if this scholar, whose mold i have been silenced into by my own subconciousness,
is just an excuse to hold me from the real friends,
real self-awareness,
real love,
i have been given in the past year.


no longer are there messages awaiting my approval
in that myspace inbox, every day
repeating over and over,
bitch, fatass, poser
bitch, fatass, poser
bitch, fatass poser, liar.
liar liar liar liar.
liar.
FAT ASS. FAT ASS FAT ASS FAT ASS.

i went and read them all, got myself all worked up.
that's not the point.

the point is that ive got this amazing friend base that can help me through anything
from my mom being a nazi bitch
to my countless car crashes
to my slipping grades
to my need for acceptance
back to my mom being a nazi bitch.

i've learned so much about myself,
who i can become,
my talents and my weaknesses.

i'm now at 196 pounds, from standing at 238 last september.
i dont notice any changes in myself.
not until i look at old photos.
my double chin, the countless pairs of spanx

it's the same way with this new life i have.
looking back through those messages, i still hurt.

but now i've got these lovelies holding my hands the whole time,
and i can face it.

i believe everyone comes to this earth with a mission to learn something.
i'm not sure what mine is, at this point, but i've got a pretty good idea
for the one i needed to overcome, and finally have,: reconstruction.

i've rebuilt this life i once had,
but better, with more knowledges, more defenses.
more people there to support me.





i get by with a little help from my friends...