hell-week, a week early

i've been staying up late to finish homework, therefore waking up late and having to pay for parking instead of lunch, walking into band late, zoning during euro, sleeping during second period. lunch is generally spent standing or sitting on the floor in the commons, sometimes eating but always doing homework. i end up pretending to take notes through third, then generally texting my way through fourth. and then i either sit through the hell that is music theatre, or i cling to my boyfriend for the short about of time we have until he works or i have to leave. then i go to the hospital and up to my mom's room, often falling asleep or holding back tears for a few tortured hours until i have to go home, eat, and repeat.

that's not to say that everything is shit; my self-esteem still remains untouched by all of this and my physical esteem wasn't even that bad. it's just getting way too tiring to keep this up. especially with finals around the corner. i swear, i'm going to do nothing but sleep the first three days of winter break. and until then, i'm allowing my room to stay in temporary disrepair, i'm wearing what i feel like, even if that's boy sweatpants and dylan's jacket for two days straight.

i decided not to try out for the musical today.

i surprised myself in doing that. but i think

hope

it's for the better. it's a kander & ebb murder mystery musical, and fucking hilarious. i'm definitely missing out, but i think my reasoning was that this way i can maintain some sort of a social life, my grades won't suffer so much, i'll get more free time in music theatre, etc.

plus, with my mom possibly not being able to go to work, i can find something to do that will allow me to earn a little cash to help my family out. even if it's just (god forbid) yardwork or selling my artwork. my family is first and foremost.

and so are my grades.

i just checked powerschool, and i want to vomit. i seriously can't comprehend why i'm having so much trouble. and if my mom can't pull an EIT out of her ass before christmas, i don't know what i'm going to do. because at this point, there's absolutely no way i'll get above a D in european history, a C in math, and a B in music theatre. the rest of my grades will be low As or high Bs. no big. but euro is really suffering and i need extra credit or i'm going to have to retake the semester.

oh, & i think i'm getting sick again.

joy.

i'm going to go find my dad and have him help me with my take-home test

so hopefully i won't fail this semester of math, too.