not-so-lonely antonia

i'm thinking about changing the title
because i may have been lonely antonia when this started, but i'm not anymoreeee.

maybe something in that last post? it's a song by big d and the kids table, by the way.
i really like the like "her chest's a window so you can always see her heart"
but don't know how to employ it. or if i should even consider changing it?

all i know is that i'm not-so-lonely antonia
now.

i've got me some true friends.



other than that, i really have no updates.

i need to remember to eat
because i keep forgetting, or don't have the time, funds, or inclination to eat.

and i did eat lunch today. but after not eating lunch or really any dinner yesterday, the slice of pizza i had at angelo's at 11:30 really did nothing for me past about 4:30. and then, of course, i had labwork today and had to pull over on the way home to walk around and wake myself up while trying not to upset my dizziness too much.

so then i got home a little before 6, and slept until 9:30. and i have a shit ton of homework to do right now.



these freezing cold nights, i miss dylan more than ever. i'm sure i'd have no problem sleeping if i were curled up in his arms. sometimes i wish i were in college, for just that reason. because god knows i would never disobey my parents by sneaking a boy over while they sleep, and if the two of us were in college right now, i'd be falling asleep with him every night.


which brings me to this:
blake--i've been thinking really heavily over our lunch topic ever since math class. i still don't know why i lose all intelligible means of communication every time we have that type of discussion, but i've been thinking about that. it's not so much as i have difficulties discussing those matters, with you or with him, but it's just that sometimes i don't know what i feel. i guess it's just the conflicting situations of being stuck in this adolescent era--we can be very childish and carefree, and we can also be very serious. i like tickle fights and all the silly things that we do, and i also like when we're really serious, emotionally and physically. and as a teenager, there are no real guidelines as to how far each should go. they have to meet somewhere in the middle, and especially because it's my first real relationship, i think i worry a bit too much that the two won't ever truly come to a concrete balance. and maybe i'm wrong...the two aspects are both quite lovely, and i love that i can have both. it's just that i think that's where the issue is right now. we've had so much of this goofing-off, childlike relationship and then very deep, serious conversation, but no room in between to be adolescents, sneaking off with dad's beer and laughing and speeding the whole way back home, smoothing each others hair and having time for one last kiss before curfew calls.
figuratively, of course.
but do you know what i mean? the "problem" per se isn't rooted with either of us, it's that our parents and friends have wanted us to stay with them and we're too polite to say no. so we wait.
and we don't have the time to "act our age" when we're together.


you two are lucky in that sense, haha. people leave you to each other.



i guess that's all...i still need to shower and pull a presentation on Voltaire out of my ass tonight.