a low point

i was so stupid last night. i didn't even drink that much, and what i had was diluted, but i realized when i was throwing up and crying that the medicine i'm on for a mild infection does crazy shit when combined with alcohol. and i took a dose right before heading out.

i slept in my friend emily's room last night with sam, and i'm glad i did. even though emily and i are not the type of personalities that mesh enough for us to be incredibly close, she knew that i needed not to be alone last night for my emotional state, and sam brought me water and offered to walk me back down to my room, should i have decided to sleep alone in my room.

this is a weird place to put this, especially after having decided that i'm going to try to be unlonely...i guess everyone has these moments. here's the thing: i don't regret the amount that i drank. though i hadn't had quite that much, but i did not have a lot. alea didn't drink and she mixed all of ours to make sure we would be okay. i sat right there and watched her pour, over the course of a night, about 7 shots worth. mixed and diluted. i don't regret the way i felt. tipsy, buzzed, whatever. i got out my conte crayons and drew (what i now realize are) beautiful portraits of my close friends here. i had a lovely night. i don't even regret texting you. i told you the things i didn't have the guts to say sober, and, though lubricated, what i said was 100% true.

i regret picking up the phone when you called. because i couldn't even get through the first "hello?" without bursting into tears. the wall that i had so carefully constructed came crashing around my ankles with the sound of your voice. i'm not sure why i picked it up--i was afraid you'd be mad at me, i guess. that you could see that i wasn't okay.

but i was. aside from the nausea i was okay. and it wasn't appropriate of me to cry on the phone with you like that. we're separated because we needed to be independent, work on our own issues. and here i was, no control, crying with you on the phone at 4 am. and i'm sorry for doing that to you.

i woke up to lovely snowfall. i only got a few hours of sleep, but they're the best i've had in the last week, probably because i was in the company of friends. and today i'm happy. i'm spending the morning cleaning my dorm before my dad gets here and watching joan of arcadia. i'll call you later today, when you have had time to wake up. and apologize, sober. because i think it's important. because it is important.