things are so unbelievably difficult right now

coming home was supposed to bring relief and rest.
so far:
i was late to work on my first day back
i bled through my favorite panties and pantyhose 3 days early while at work
had the worst cramps ever for the majority of my shift
didn't eat until 10pm tonight even though i worked an 8 hour shift because i forgot my debit card
talked with amy and felt even more hopeless about my relationship/life/whatever
fought with my mom
cried so hard for so long that my abs and throat still hurt
missed ihop with ivy and coba and dustin
self-pity ate almost a pint of lic's choco-cremes
got sick because i ate so many choco-cremes

and i just don't know.
dylan and i are fighting and pushing back at each other.
he wants things to be better, to keep buying christmas presents and just be apart from each other. but i think i need space. i think parts of me are still broken or at least bruised and i can't go rushing back into this.

all i want is him--to feel his hot skin against mine in bed, to play with his hair in the bath, to lie in bed while he makes egg tacos in his boxers. seeing him at work today was so hard. i forgot that we weren't together for a moment, when one of his earrings was falling out. reflexively i tucked it back into his ear and i don't know what happened. it was just hard.

he was wearing a shirt that was too big for him and had put his nose ring back in. he wore toms. i dont know why i feel like it's important to put these here but i do.

i just don't know how to feel and it's the most confused i've ever felt.