this is so hard

this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard


I've been pretty much happy but there are moments, usually several times in an hour, where I remember and the shock of it sends me into tears again.
I'm trying to be nice.
I'm trying to both give and take space.
I'm trying not to let myself get consumed with sadness.

the thing is, I don't know which feelings were mine and which were mom's or Blake's or Amy's (not that it matters if it feels right) but right now I don't know what feels right or wrong or otherwise, and that scares me.

the thought of never sharing a kiss, a bed, a week together makes me cry. but just because things weren't bad doesn't mean they were good.