disconnected

oh, this day has been so much more than i can handle.
scratch that, it's really been all weekend.

it's like i'm playing some sick rpg...
the decisions i make aren't my own, the memories i make are arbitrary,
the lives i fuck with mean nothing. at all.

i have no connection to these beings that walk around me...who's to say they even exist? i messed with people's emotions today because i could.

don't get me wrong, this isn't a case of untamed narcissism--quite the opposite. my own existence is nothing in the scheme of things. or even possibly outside of the scheme of things. so i fuck with my own life, by screwing with others.

i don't know...i'm so confused. love was the only pleasant emotion i could still feel, and it's like i'm falling out of love with everything that held me together since school started. even the latest loves of my life just piss me off and stress me out. and it's not that i'm pushing those things away. those were the only things that seem to have left me.

it's not fair! why is this happening to me? my life is not the shambles it was freshman year. nor is it as bad as last year. i have a boyfriend, i have friends, i have a puppy, i have a clean room and a functioning car...despite all of the stress from school, i should be a happy person.

but recently, all i can feel are the fissures dividing me from everything i love, or want to love. the things i need. including my boyfriend, my friends, my dog, my family, my schoolwork, and even myself. an rpg game, me in control of this body that has no reason to bond with anyone. so it doesn't. it kicks and screams and averts its eyes.

music is the only thing still evoking some sort of emotion within me. and it's all im hanging on to.
so after a hellish music theater class, i walked to my car, got gas, and drove to my house. and the whole way i listened to "she knows her way" by big d to convince myself that i, too, know my way home...even if i'm not sure where that home is right now.