thanksgiving

it's 2:47 am, and i'm just now getting to bed after a major blowout between my brother and i, in which he told me that he does not respect me or any of my belongings, that i ruined his life, that he can and will do "whatever he gosh-darn wants," and that i am not his sister. when my mom asked if he loved me, he sat there and stared at her for an entire thirty seconds, finally answering with an emphatic "umm."

and it's not like that doesn't phase me, but it's not the worst thing that happened to me today. we took ellie to the vet, as she's been having difficulty breathing and is coughing up mucus. only then did we realize that she has lost about ten pounds in the last six days, from refusing to eat or drink. and that she had a fever of 104.3, which is pretty high for a dog. they also found that her lung infection hadn't gotten better and could quite possibly have developed into cancer or worse. so right now, she's downtown at apec hospital, on iv fluids and pain medication. we have to pick her up on friday morning at 7am and take her back to epperson vet clinic, where they'll run diagnostics and find out what's going on.

not that there was any question as to what we would do, but my mom explained to me that it was treat ellie and have no christmas, or take her home and watch her die and have money for presents.

it's truly not that i want anything; i want joan of arcadia dvds and prismacolor markers and a new pair of jeans and a coat, nailclippers, shampoo and a carrier (all for gitsy) but i'd much rather have ellie, and it just pisses me off that we have to choose. because i've got little cousins who still believe in santa, and i'm insanely jealous that i can't have the magic of holidays that they do.

it's not just ellie...nathan broke the van door in his anger, which cost $700 to repair, and my brakes are going out one by one, costing $300 each. i just really can't look at christmas the same way, because i know that my parents are going to try hard to get each of us kids something. and it's going to be stressful for them, which is not what christmas is supposed to be about. so hopefully my family getting together will be enough this year.

also, ive got a fever of 100, chills, coughing, congestion, runny nose, fatigue, aches, blah blah blahhhh. so none of my family can come to my house for thanksgiving. and i can't see dylan. and right now, the things i REALLY need are dylan and my cousins. it isn't fair.

not to mention the amazing amount of homework and chores that lie in wait for me to finish before the end of this break.

and my "friends" deciding that blake and i aren't worthy of being in their presence. what the fuck ever.


on the flip side, saturday is me and dylan's three-month anniversary. i honestly can say that i have no idea where i'd be right now without him. he has made me so much more of a light, open person. i love him more than words can describe, and i miss him terribly at the moment.

ive got a great relationship with my mom, and even managed to tell her about some stressful stuff dylan and i have had to deal with in the past few days. she was surprisingly helpful, and told me that she normally would say that two depressed people dating is a horrible idea, but that dylan and i balance each other out really well. i had forgotten how nice it is to have a mother.

blake remains, unlike all of my other "friends," at my side. she's my big sister and my confidante and my best friend and my own personal psychologist all rolled up into one adorable little package. she's amazing.

though i could work on some self-image issues, my self-esteem is through the roof. i love myself, im proud of myself, and i know that i can handle whatever life decides to throw at me.

i'm paying a lot better attention in class, taking better notes, and scoring higher on tests. w00t.





so the point of this?
i don't know.
my life is really in the gutter right now,
and i just want to rip my hair out and scream in frustration.
but i'm thankful for the few things i've got.