look at how beautiful

she is. her position reminds me of a classic pin up girl, haha. i think i might have found a piece of my concentration for next semester?

i am

i am not who i want to be, physically.
i am not who i want to be, intellectually.
i am not who i want to be, romantically.
i am not who i want to be, emotional stability-wise.
i am not who i want to be, health-wise.

i am not who i want to be, wholly.


but i know who i am,
and i love her.
i know that i'll probably never be physically perfect in mine or anyone else's eyes, and that suits me just fine.
i know that i'm not the next isaac newton or albert einstein, but i have years to grow and learn into my own intellect.
i know that i am the best girlfriend i can be, that i love dylan and he loves me. and eventually, when the time is right, we can take that last step in our intimate relationship together.
i know that it's getting a tad bit easier to let my heart out of its box every now and then with every day that goes by.
i know that as soon as my thyroid levels are settled, i can get there.


i'm happy with who i am. i know that spiritually, i'm content with what i've got. and for now, that's good enough. i'm not going to wait until one day i'm magically who i want to be. i'm going to live, and i'll celebrate along the way with every new accomplishment i make on my list of the ideal me.

merry christmas

my christmas was, surprisingly, a happy one.
my mom felt better, making laps around the nurses' station and actually keeping down a meal.

we walked around with her, got dinner in the cafeteria (aka ate $26 of shit), shared cookies while momma ate her dinner, played bullshit, watched some "fa la la la lifetime" movie, and came back to the hotel.

i left my phone in the car, and i think i'm going to leave it there. it's blizzarding out there and my hair is wet, plus im too tired to talk to anyone except dylan anyways. and that way, my entire extended family can't call at the buttcrack of dawn, waking me up just as i fall asleep from hanging up the last call.

blahhhhh.

hopefully i'll be home by the 29th, me and dylan's 4-month. that would be nice.

i keep falling asleep between sentences;
goodnight.

i miss my man

like no one's business.

solace has come

in the form of a song.

"a ring around the moon" by balance problems.
no other song could possibly better describe my situation right now.

"it's quiet here, and i have learned to breathe. / rest easily, i promise not to leave."



take it as you will,
but i'm giving this to you.

i'm retreating inside myself for a while. i'm learning to deal with who i am, to stop being so dissonant in my actions to how i need to be functioning. my heart is safe inside its box.

but don't fret, don't leave me here. i'll be back, and maybe next time i won't fuck it up so much.
i'm here, i'm just a bit preoccupied.

lonely antonia is back.

i guess it's a good thing i never changed the name of my blog because you, my two readers, are probably the only people in the world who don't think i'm malicious and conniving. possibly even including me.

i had my first serious breakdown in a long time. the kind that i used to have, only probably about ten times worse. it started out with me getting pissed at my dad. my mom jumped in so that i got pissed at her, and not him, because she didn't want me resenting him if she doesn't make it past this blood clot. stupid, yes, but effective. i yelled at her instead. and she cried. she cried and asked me, "why are you dong this?"

and that question right there sent me hurdling into the person i used to be. the person i had locked up inside of me, but who had been secretly keeping tally of every wrong i've ever committed.

when i was a little girl, i used to sob and sob in bed, longing to beg forgiveness of whoever i had ever hurt in my lifetime. my mom would have to tell me that they probably weren't even affected by whatever i thought had "changed the way they looked at me."(that's the way i put it.) that it was okay to let go and to forgive myself.

and i would fall asleep, not-so wracked with guilt anymore, and eventually that monster of guilt could be locked up by my six-year-old arms. or that's what i thought.

i guess i just couldn't control it anymore...the tallies had overtaken and flooded the doors that bound that guilt inside of me. but this time, it was different than when i was six. because i am seventeen, but the six-year-old in me came out. and she was terrified of what she had become. she cried until her nose bled and she dry-heaved on the bathroom floor. and the seventeen me was scared, too. we were both terrified of this monster i became. the six-year-old part couldn't stop repeating to her daddy not to open the door, that i am bad and would hurt him. and i just kept hating myself, because i, at seventeen, am capable of turning that fear into hatred.

i wanted myself dead for having become such a horrible entity. for realizing that as i cried, my sick mother got sicker and sicker, which sent me into heavier sobs and the search for a toilet bowl. i had literally lost the ability to walk. i was entirely too human. (i refuse to let myself think subhuman. i was dealing with the emotions of a six-year-old, but they had the force of much more than that. i handled it as best i could.) and when my mom made me go to her room and hug her, i recoiled. i fell back to the floor where i belonged and wrapped myself in my limbs as my dad pushed and pulled me to her.

and in that moment when he pushed me, i closed my heart off. i realized the power, began using it when i could. especially when sitting across from my mother's psychiatrist. a situation i can't handle because she just shoves more emotion down my already drowning trachea.



so that's what i've been forced to. i lock my heart in a little box, and no one can have it except me and the two of you and gitsy and sometimes my mommy. no one else is allowed to touch it, because they pinch it and twist it and try to shove it into an even tinier box.

right now, my heart needs help. it's terrified that it can't be loved. that it's mommy is dying. that it's alone. that it can't go on with all of this weight piled on top of it.

it needs love. so that's what i'm begging for now. i need you to help me hold my heart, and to love it for me even when i can't. especially when i can't.

i love you two so much, and i'll try so hard not to hurt you. i know i'm bad at that. and i'll try to stay open to you. i'm sorry if i ever can't be...just tell me if you see me start to close myself off to you, and i'll try to stay open. i will.






this sounds scary, rereading it.
and it is. but i'm not gone, and i'm not mental.
i'm here.

christmas

was good. i got much of what i asked for, and even some things that i didn't. it was a peaceful night.

i'm in rochester, minnesota now. the drive up here was absolute hell.

i miss gitsy and dylan, big time. i have no one to snuggle under the blankies with.

i had a bit of a breakdown on saturday. it was probably the worst i've ever had. i drafted a blog on my phone, but i don't know if i'm going to post it. we'll see.

today was so bad

so so so bad.

and i've still got to do my english and art finals !
i'm so tired
and today as a whole was rock-bottom. every aspect of it.
i didnt get to see boyfran,
i didnt talk to ANYONE, literally.

i couldn't. it was beyond me. everything besides talking to my mom, or disappearing into the shins.

gahhhh.


christmas, my christmas, is going to be on sunday.
and then we leave town until god knows when.

rochester, MN.

REALLY?

the first time i have a new year's kiss to share?

the first time i actually want to spend christmas here?

what. the. fuck.

btw

i talked with my mom tonight. she could tell i was really distracted in my studying for the music theatre final and could tell when jaime walked into the room that it was because of what he said to me that one night a few weeks back. anyways. she decided to have him try to apologize again, and to have me tell him that i would work on forgiving him, trusting him, respecting him, etc.

she asked him if he loved me, if he respected me, if he saw me as his sister, if i ruined his life.
he said "um," "honestly, no," "no. if we werent related, we wouldn't be friends. we have different ideals completely." but then he said something that struck me. he said that i didnt ruin his life, that he did. that if he had paid attention and not been depressed in elementary school, he'd get straight a's now.

he inferred that his life wouldnt be "ruined" if he got good grades. my mom then tried to explain that success in school doesn't mean everything. she asked me if i was ever happy in all the years i got straight a's.

"nope."

she told jaime that i am "more real and alive now that [i make] shitty grades than [i] ever was, because [i] know more about [myself] and how [i learn.] which proves that school isn't everything."





:)
thank god for momma.
i needed to hear that.

welcome, finals week.

just know that the entire population hates you

and you deserve to die.

so, to put this nicely,

FUCK YOU, FINALS.

mom is home

for the hospital. thank goodness.

we're all trying our hardest to make things easy for her.

right now, i feel especially close to her. i hope it stays that way; i need my momma.

hell-week, a week early

i've been staying up late to finish homework, therefore waking up late and having to pay for parking instead of lunch, walking into band late, zoning during euro, sleeping during second period. lunch is generally spent standing or sitting on the floor in the commons, sometimes eating but always doing homework. i end up pretending to take notes through third, then generally texting my way through fourth. and then i either sit through the hell that is music theatre, or i cling to my boyfriend for the short about of time we have until he works or i have to leave. then i go to the hospital and up to my mom's room, often falling asleep or holding back tears for a few tortured hours until i have to go home, eat, and repeat.

that's not to say that everything is shit; my self-esteem still remains untouched by all of this and my physical esteem wasn't even that bad. it's just getting way too tiring to keep this up. especially with finals around the corner. i swear, i'm going to do nothing but sleep the first three days of winter break. and until then, i'm allowing my room to stay in temporary disrepair, i'm wearing what i feel like, even if that's boy sweatpants and dylan's jacket for two days straight.

i decided not to try out for the musical today.

i surprised myself in doing that. but i think

hope

it's for the better. it's a kander & ebb murder mystery musical, and fucking hilarious. i'm definitely missing out, but i think my reasoning was that this way i can maintain some sort of a social life, my grades won't suffer so much, i'll get more free time in music theatre, etc.

plus, with my mom possibly not being able to go to work, i can find something to do that will allow me to earn a little cash to help my family out. even if it's just (god forbid) yardwork or selling my artwork. my family is first and foremost.

and so are my grades.

i just checked powerschool, and i want to vomit. i seriously can't comprehend why i'm having so much trouble. and if my mom can't pull an EIT out of her ass before christmas, i don't know what i'm going to do. because at this point, there's absolutely no way i'll get above a D in european history, a C in math, and a B in music theatre. the rest of my grades will be low As or high Bs. no big. but euro is really suffering and i need extra credit or i'm going to have to retake the semester.

oh, & i think i'm getting sick again.

joy.

i'm going to go find my dad and have him help me with my take-home test

so hopefully i won't fail this semester of math, too.

i love you

no matter what they say and no matter how long we last.

you are my shining star and my teddy bear. my anchor.

i've never trusted anyone as much as i trust you.
i've never felt as close to anyone as i feel to you.
i've never felt so comfortably vulnerable with anyone as i do with you.

falling asleep on your couch like we did, i never wanted to get up. i could have lain there with you for an eternity. my heart is cringing now at the thought of going up to bed and not having you there with me.

i'm even more sure with every day that goes by that i am in love with you.
you amaze me, dylan.
i love you.

not-so-lonely antonia

i'm thinking about changing the title
because i may have been lonely antonia when this started, but i'm not anymoreeee.

maybe something in that last post? it's a song by big d and the kids table, by the way.
i really like the like "her chest's a window so you can always see her heart"
but don't know how to employ it. or if i should even consider changing it?

all i know is that i'm not-so-lonely antonia
now.

i've got me some true friends.



other than that, i really have no updates.

i need to remember to eat
because i keep forgetting, or don't have the time, funds, or inclination to eat.

and i did eat lunch today. but after not eating lunch or really any dinner yesterday, the slice of pizza i had at angelo's at 11:30 really did nothing for me past about 4:30. and then, of course, i had labwork today and had to pull over on the way home to walk around and wake myself up while trying not to upset my dizziness too much.

so then i got home a little before 6, and slept until 9:30. and i have a shit ton of homework to do right now.



these freezing cold nights, i miss dylan more than ever. i'm sure i'd have no problem sleeping if i were curled up in his arms. sometimes i wish i were in college, for just that reason. because god knows i would never disobey my parents by sneaking a boy over while they sleep, and if the two of us were in college right now, i'd be falling asleep with him every night.


which brings me to this:
blake--i've been thinking really heavily over our lunch topic ever since math class. i still don't know why i lose all intelligible means of communication every time we have that type of discussion, but i've been thinking about that. it's not so much as i have difficulties discussing those matters, with you or with him, but it's just that sometimes i don't know what i feel. i guess it's just the conflicting situations of being stuck in this adolescent era--we can be very childish and carefree, and we can also be very serious. i like tickle fights and all the silly things that we do, and i also like when we're really serious, emotionally and physically. and as a teenager, there are no real guidelines as to how far each should go. they have to meet somewhere in the middle, and especially because it's my first real relationship, i think i worry a bit too much that the two won't ever truly come to a concrete balance. and maybe i'm wrong...the two aspects are both quite lovely, and i love that i can have both. it's just that i think that's where the issue is right now. we've had so much of this goofing-off, childlike relationship and then very deep, serious conversation, but no room in between to be adolescents, sneaking off with dad's beer and laughing and speeding the whole way back home, smoothing each others hair and having time for one last kiss before curfew calls.
figuratively, of course.
but do you know what i mean? the "problem" per se isn't rooted with either of us, it's that our parents and friends have wanted us to stay with them and we're too polite to say no. so we wait.
and we don't have the time to "act our age" when we're together.


you two are lucky in that sense, haha. people leave you to each other.



i guess that's all...i still need to shower and pull a presentation on Voltaire out of my ass tonight.

she knows her way

She only heads out when it’s late and dark
No need to worry, she’s smooth, she’s smart
I’ll see her later ‘cause we can’t be apart
You tell me my girls trouble, yes, you tell me my girls trouble, ‘cause she
Falls, gets back up, stumbles round, spins around, then just
Falls, gets back up, stumbles round, spins around
She melts into the night in her own rude way
Blown into the party like a warm hurricane – she says
“It’s nice to be
Drunk from love”
She knows she’s floating, but she can’t never get enough
Sings your name
Her word is art
Her chest’s a window, so you can always see her heart
Her chest’s a window, so you can always see her heart
Wayfaring drunkard dancing home, well she departs
But she knows her way back home
Sings to a branch that she passes on her way
Dances for a little sleepy pleased stray
Talks to a crow she’s named a Mr. Blue Jay
I’ll tell you my girl’s wonders, yes, I’ll tell you my girl’s wonders
She’s walking staring upward, staring upward, singing something
Kinda feeling like a devil on her way up to the heavens
She likes long, drawn, French songs
Stops to sit
The sidewalk
Bass is low, she sings a Ms. Bardot song
Space is high, she yawns and rubs her eyes
Then she calls me on her tele, just to tell me ‘bout
A spider she finds pretty, a red polka-dotted spider
Police drive by and see her talking to the stars
Police have her put her hands on the car
“Where are you heading, Ms.?”
“76 Franklin, see that’s where my baby lives”
Here I sit
My porch stairs
I breathe and squint
My cat sits by me
Way down the street I see my girl, she floats, yes, and dances slowly to me
Sits on me, hugging, both quiet in the dark
Whispering, ’cause it’s a direct line to the heart
There is no distance that is keeping us apart
You tell me my girl’s trouble, but you just don’t know her wonders
And the waiting, whoa-oh
Yes, the love of waiting, whoa-oh
Yes, the love of waiting, whoa-oh
Yes, my love of waiting
For her

well, nevermind then.

that last blog still rings true,
but i feel really accomplished with myself right now.

i attended music theatre, picked jaime up from the library, vacuumed my room, cleaned up some dirty clothes i left out last night, put away some clean ones i left out this morning, watched a film festival movie (the rage in placid lake (placid lake is the unfortunate son of two hippie extremists (they sent him off to his first day of kindergarten in a dress, telling him to be unafraid of sexual exploration( ! )))), moved my futon back into my room, gave gitsy a bath, shaved (blake, i know you understand the impressiveness of this feat :P), watched house, and am now settling down at 11:00 to do my math homework and write my commentary, a stale diet coke and the assignment sheet in hand.

sure, those last two things could have been put to better use a little higher up on my priorities list, but they're still going to get done, so i'm not allowing myself to freak out.

this is what i would assume "normal" feels like. i truly love it.

i remember that ending the day with a feeling like this once would have been mediocre to me,
longing for the infinite feeling of summer nights and happy hour at sonic.
but now it feels good, and productive, and right.

good night. :]

"back to where we started,

losing who we were.


everyone knows that you'd break your neck to keep your chin up."










"chin up, kid."
that's all i get from the pitying yet somehow still disapproving glances of teachers as i try my hardest to keep my head off the desk,
from "friends" who "really hope" that riley will be able to fix "this," ("this," being the disease they forgot i had),
from parents who can't seem to grasp that i can't take care of a puppy, do my homework, AND vacuum the floor all in one night without completely mentally shutting down,
from the doctors who keep reminding me to sit it out, wait for the medicine to kick in, try my hardest to stay positive.


well, ive tried my hardest not to let this consume me, but i'm tired of waiting.
today was absolutely horrid, except for finding another goodwill polaroid (yellow with flash, this time, at half the price.)

i get more labs done tomorrow, then finally go back to riley on the 9th.
and you bet i'm
counting.
down.
the.
da
y
s
.

thanksgiving, a day late.

today i finally got to see dylan. we met at give a dog a bone, shopped for gitsy, brought her back to his place to entertain his family. we made plans for me to go home, eat dinner, and head back for a movie night on his couch.

the whole movie thing didn't impress my parents, so they invited him back to the house to help us decorate our christmas trees after dinner. only, he fell asleep.

knowing that he worked 5am to 1pm on black friday on zero sleep, it didnt surprise me, but he was real pissed off with himself when he woke up two hours too late. so we didn't get to see each other again tonight, unfortunately.


but the amazing thing?

when i got in his car to head back to his house, not only did he give me a beautiful portrait he did of me, but a special coupon to pacsun and, having been hidden under his jacket, a stuffed dog.

the dog, i almost laughed at. i didn't understand. i exclaimed a thank you, and remarked how cute he was, but there was obviously something i wasn't getting.

then dylan completely swept me off of my feet. (how cliche, but it's truly the only words i can find to describe the feeling.) he explained that the dog was for just in case ellie never came back from the hospital. i nearly started bawling right there. how is it possible that i have someone who loves me this much? who knew that when i said i'd be okay after dropping her off, i was lying, trying to soften my sniffles so that my parents wouldnt hear me cry?

the toy is obviously out of some claw machine or a dollar store, but the fact that someone cares about me this much is completely disarming, and the gesture was almost more than i could handle.







i'm crying and crying right now, trying to think of when anyone has done anything so sweet for me. i love him so much. i have no idea why he chose me, but im undyingly grateful that he did. so that's what im thankful for. im thankful that someone truly knows me, and loves me, and wants to be with me.

no one

is coming for christmas. my family is too poor to meet up for christmas.
that tiny semblance of possible happiness now seems lost.

ellie is home from the hospital,
but she's going back to the vet as soon as my mom wakes up.





hopefully i'll be able to get out of the house today.

thanksgiving

it's 2:47 am, and i'm just now getting to bed after a major blowout between my brother and i, in which he told me that he does not respect me or any of my belongings, that i ruined his life, that he can and will do "whatever he gosh-darn wants," and that i am not his sister. when my mom asked if he loved me, he sat there and stared at her for an entire thirty seconds, finally answering with an emphatic "umm."

and it's not like that doesn't phase me, but it's not the worst thing that happened to me today. we took ellie to the vet, as she's been having difficulty breathing and is coughing up mucus. only then did we realize that she has lost about ten pounds in the last six days, from refusing to eat or drink. and that she had a fever of 104.3, which is pretty high for a dog. they also found that her lung infection hadn't gotten better and could quite possibly have developed into cancer or worse. so right now, she's downtown at apec hospital, on iv fluids and pain medication. we have to pick her up on friday morning at 7am and take her back to epperson vet clinic, where they'll run diagnostics and find out what's going on.

not that there was any question as to what we would do, but my mom explained to me that it was treat ellie and have no christmas, or take her home and watch her die and have money for presents.

it's truly not that i want anything; i want joan of arcadia dvds and prismacolor markers and a new pair of jeans and a coat, nailclippers, shampoo and a carrier (all for gitsy) but i'd much rather have ellie, and it just pisses me off that we have to choose. because i've got little cousins who still believe in santa, and i'm insanely jealous that i can't have the magic of holidays that they do.

it's not just ellie...nathan broke the van door in his anger, which cost $700 to repair, and my brakes are going out one by one, costing $300 each. i just really can't look at christmas the same way, because i know that my parents are going to try hard to get each of us kids something. and it's going to be stressful for them, which is not what christmas is supposed to be about. so hopefully my family getting together will be enough this year.

also, ive got a fever of 100, chills, coughing, congestion, runny nose, fatigue, aches, blah blah blahhhh. so none of my family can come to my house for thanksgiving. and i can't see dylan. and right now, the things i REALLY need are dylan and my cousins. it isn't fair.

not to mention the amazing amount of homework and chores that lie in wait for me to finish before the end of this break.

and my "friends" deciding that blake and i aren't worthy of being in their presence. what the fuck ever.


on the flip side, saturday is me and dylan's three-month anniversary. i honestly can say that i have no idea where i'd be right now without him. he has made me so much more of a light, open person. i love him more than words can describe, and i miss him terribly at the moment.

ive got a great relationship with my mom, and even managed to tell her about some stressful stuff dylan and i have had to deal with in the past few days. she was surprisingly helpful, and told me that she normally would say that two depressed people dating is a horrible idea, but that dylan and i balance each other out really well. i had forgotten how nice it is to have a mother.

blake remains, unlike all of my other "friends," at my side. she's my big sister and my confidante and my best friend and my own personal psychologist all rolled up into one adorable little package. she's amazing.

though i could work on some self-image issues, my self-esteem is through the roof. i love myself, im proud of myself, and i know that i can handle whatever life decides to throw at me.

i'm paying a lot better attention in class, taking better notes, and scoring higher on tests. w00t.





so the point of this?
i don't know.
my life is really in the gutter right now,
and i just want to rip my hair out and scream in frustration.
but i'm thankful for the few things i've got.

i did this to us

and i can't apologize enough for that.

we both have our issues, but i used mine as an excuse to duck out on dealing with unhappy things...even when those unhappy things sincerely needed to be brought out into the open.

and i'm glad that something like this is coming out,
because for about a week now i had been scared that something between us had ended,
aftershock from the end to our honeymoon period,
something unfixable. but this, though it will take time and care, will get easier. and hopefully we can put it completely behind us before our three-month.

i think how we work is that you bottle up all of your hurt and resentment and embarrassment and fears into anger and blame, and you don't know how to let it out without exploding.

i internalize every tiny inflection and annoyance as something i caused, and stress over it until it consumes me.



neither of us have healthy ways of going about emotion.

though it's not the first, this is definitely the largest bump in the road we've had so far. and im proud of us for pinpointing the problem and making a plan to fix it. together, we are invincible. so all i'm asking is that you stick this out with me, work with me, hold my hand. and we can walk our way back to the path we're meant to be on.

distaste

my tsh level (natural thyroid stimulant hormone) is 54.
do you know what it should be?
3.

that's fucking 51 more than i need, and that's what's causing me to be this miserable.
because all of that tsh is coming from my pituitary gland, and my shriveled, decaying thyroid can't take any of that in. so they give me medicine that's supposed to make my pituitary gland think my thyroid is working, enter synthetic t4 drug.

i'm taking the highest possible dose for someone my age, and my levels aren't even to .5 when they should be AT LEAST 1.5. so my pituitary gland keeps making more fucking tsh!

so i never want to get out of bed, i can't go outside for literally more than ten seconds without shivering and nearly dying, im never hungry, i can hardly move from all the muscle aches, im getting more and more depressed, etc etc etc




i dont want to deal with life right now.
it hurts.

disconnected

oh, this day has been so much more than i can handle.
scratch that, it's really been all weekend.

it's like i'm playing some sick rpg...
the decisions i make aren't my own, the memories i make are arbitrary,
the lives i fuck with mean nothing. at all.

i have no connection to these beings that walk around me...who's to say they even exist? i messed with people's emotions today because i could.

don't get me wrong, this isn't a case of untamed narcissism--quite the opposite. my own existence is nothing in the scheme of things. or even possibly outside of the scheme of things. so i fuck with my own life, by screwing with others.

i don't know...i'm so confused. love was the only pleasant emotion i could still feel, and it's like i'm falling out of love with everything that held me together since school started. even the latest loves of my life just piss me off and stress me out. and it's not that i'm pushing those things away. those were the only things that seem to have left me.

it's not fair! why is this happening to me? my life is not the shambles it was freshman year. nor is it as bad as last year. i have a boyfriend, i have friends, i have a puppy, i have a clean room and a functioning car...despite all of the stress from school, i should be a happy person.

but recently, all i can feel are the fissures dividing me from everything i love, or want to love. the things i need. including my boyfriend, my friends, my dog, my family, my schoolwork, and even myself. an rpg game, me in control of this body that has no reason to bond with anyone. so it doesn't. it kicks and screams and averts its eyes.

music is the only thing still evoking some sort of emotion within me. and it's all im hanging on to.
so after a hellish music theater class, i walked to my car, got gas, and drove to my house. and the whole way i listened to "she knows her way" by big d to convince myself that i, too, know my way home...even if i'm not sure where that home is right now.

oh, robert

how is it that you can say something so perfectly blase as "i'm tired"
and turn it into a work of art?:

"like bended blades of grass- necks held heavy by first frost
I am still strong
but I am not standing right now"



i just feel the need to thank the world right now
for veterans day, a nice little break from the worries of this week
for a boyfriend who understands that some emotions are just too scary to deal with; who is eternally warm and THERE for me.
for a best friend who sees the reason behind my actions, because god knows i've forgotten
for a lovely little creature who needs me to snuggle with
for a mom who realizes that i need help with some things
for such a thing as music
for people like david levithan and rob kelly, who can relay my innermost feelings to me from a typed word; who make this world seem a little more aesthetic




i'm going to go slap together a commentary, and drown myself in candles and novels about lesbians and psych wards...anything to keep my mind off of reality.

tomorrow i have to clean out my car,
this weekend i need to clean my room.

clean things always make me happier.

lexapro

i've been thinking a lot
about how i feel a lot

and i honestly just can't take how weighted down i am.
so once my family saves up some money
and i figure out if i'm still hypothyroid,
i'm going to have to decide whether or not i want to try taking lexapro.

i've talked to my mom about it. she says
it will just make my emotions lighter, that it won't actually change my personality
but i worry that i'll lose the depth of my happy feelings along with the bad.
you know?

so i've got some more thinking to do
but at this point, i'm leaning towards trying it.

i hate to put things into my body that don't naturally occur,
but i really can't keep going on like this.

hummm.
we'll see.

another weekend wasted.

this week will, inevitably, be just like the last--rushing through assignment after assignment (that is, if i even bother to do it) just to get minute amounts of sleep between puppysitting and finding time to be human, the only real goal being to make it out of school unscathed on friday at 3:15.

lather, rinse, repeat.

in more exciting news, i've had an absolute blast making a mockery of the atypical typical high school drama that has been sweeping the corridors of sig; that is, except for the fact that mono is running rampant through my group of friends, who has "community everything," from drinks to food to money to plans for cremation (haha). especially because i'm one of the few in our group who has a boyfriend, i'll feel sooper responsible if dylan or anyone else gets it--because of my iron deficiency and my hashimoto's, my immune system is on the fritz. meaning i most likely have it, as indicated by the sharp pains where my spleen is and my swollen, stiff neck.

i'm getting tested tomorrow, i believe.


ughhhhh. i guess i should go and study for my math test now.

oh, wait.

i'd like to point out that this boy amazes and inspires me. i'm absolutely, head over heels in love with him. and knowing that he is standing by my side gets me from day to day, through those long depressing nights.

he is my home.

depression settles in

at night,

something about my synthroid levels.
which is why i have perfectly fine, balanced days and still practically cry myself to sleep every night.


just thought i'd tell someone other than my momma.




i'm sleepy
and i need to study =/

today exceeded expectations

i woke up, having fallen asleep with gitsy in my arms, to a lost puppy, greasy hair, and an unfinished painting.

so i got dressed (good self esteem day), grabbed my unfinished painting, kissed my doggie byebye, and left for school..

..twenty minutes later than i should have. without my phone or my coffee.

having been going 20mph over the speed limit wherever possible, i wound up at the locust st parking garage around 7:24. the gate was open, the teller was MIA. i felt horrible about it, but pulled in anyways (thinking i'd just pay the maximum fare, $5.25, instead of my usual $4.75), got my stuff together, and ran for the main building.

somehow i made it on time.

after a surprisingly not too boring tok class, i remembered that the bio test was TODAY. and i hadn't read or studied ANYTHING. i used first period to scribble notes, scrambling to answer the assessment statements. same in psychology; though i really felt the need to bring up the butterfly effect, i know my priorities and tuned everyone out in order to answer the remaining statements.

lunch was good. peaceful and happy.

bio test was next! so easy i couldn't believe it...i knew 8/9 answers AND felt really confident in the 8 answers i put down. also, we worked on labs. jillian wasn't there so i ended up having to work with eb. i generally would have been disappointed in that fact, but he was really kind and helpful, moreso than jillian might have been, and hilarious. i was really glad i got to work with him, although he totally has personal space issues.

now that my foremost dread was over, art was left. DREAD! but it actually turned out really well...mrs goodridge didn't eat me, and i got some good work done.

music theatre was actually really fun. i did a full heel stretch with my right leg, and managed to do a pretty kickass splits in skinny jeans. no conditioning, and we got let out a little early.

i walked to my car and handed the teller at the garage a ten dollar bill, explaining my situation. he let me out free of charge, said that "they" wouldn't know any difference if i didn't pay because i wouldn't be marked on the ledger. COOL BEANS, FREE PARKING!

all in all, my day was rad.
and that gives me hope for tomorrow, because so much of today was hypothesized to be horrible and i came home smiling. tomorrow must be as good :]

the butterfly effect

so this morning, i watched the butterfly effect.
ever since, i haven't been able to get out of this mindset.

don't get me wrong, the movie amazed me and continues to captivate me, but it fucked with the way i look at the world. frankly, it disturbed me. now, the fact that a movie can move someone to such emotion and even physical pain gives me hope for the world, but i don't always enjoy being so moved.

the movie gives me doubt as to the sufficiency and, more importantly, the purpose of my life. if each decision can have such devastating effects on the outcome of future life, why the fuck am i sitting here blogging and texting my friends and petting my puppy instead of doing my homework? why aren't i out partying, why don't i spend more time with my boyfriend, why don't i just give up on sig? why don't i give up on everything? why don't i try harder? my HARDEST?

dylan and i talked in a way that we hadn't for a long time, the kind of talk that i really love and appreciate--we don't always see eye to eye, but it's not that one sees the other as naiive or wrong, just having a different viewpoint. and we came to the conclusion that we're both people-pleasers. i'm so scared of being looked down upon by others, by changing their view of me, that i would do ANYTHING to my own self-esteem and self-assurance to keep up the illusion that i am just fine.

and i'm letting go of that. i know that the whole point of the butterfly effect is to show the stupidity and futility of regret, but it's had the opposite effect on me; i'm sick to my stomach, crying, stressing over things i cannot control, like my inability to change my insufficiencies in the past.

i dunno.

i'll give myself some time to think i guess

realization

while showering, the random thought popped into my head: in three days, dylan and i will have been dating for an entire two months. had i been single during this time, i would have said that two months is nothing, a blip in the history of my life. but it's so much more, and that thought amazes me. time is subjective and objective at once, which is bewildering to me.

anyways. our relationship has been easy, really. especially in relation to blake's situation, i'd say we were soaring through clear skies. but that's not completely true; we've both battled diseases, emotional and physical, drama, harassment, and distance (though not quite as prevalent.) we've had to work to stay together, to stay positive, to stay in control. and i still stand by the fact that it has been easy...because the way i see it, what we have is so worth working for, i don't even realize the hoops we both have had to jump through until they're swinging in the breeze behind us.

that's a comforting thought.

especially now that our honeymoon period has worn off and we're maturing as a couple, the thought that we can stand up to adversity is a really nice one to have.



my great grandmother died last week. i don't know how to feel about this...she was always a bitch, and i never got to know her very well, but she died alone, essentially. her dementia had consumed her, all of her loved ones had died before her, and her "friend" at the nursing home was a completely different person than my grandma thought, and that saddens me. that's not how i want to go out, my family sticking me into a home because no one cares enough to come and live with me at home until my dying day, and then essentially just riding out the last of my memory until i'm vulnerable and alone, never knowing who anyone is.

i'd much rather die young and leave my family and friends than to die alone, forgetting and forgotten.

balance

i have never felt so trustworthy, friend-wise, in anyone as i am towards blake.
i have never felt so emotionally attached, romantically or otherwise, to anyone as i am to dylan.
i have never felt so linked, through all of my life, to anyone more than to jillian.

i haven't felt this balanced in my emotions since maybe snippets of first hanging out with mara and ariel, freshman year first semester.



tonight was right
despite my stupid, accidental self-set curfew
and near-breakdown over a one pound, $350 puppy.

yesterday was right
despite my innate ability to oversleep
and tremendous lack of foresight money-wise.

tomorrow will be right in another way;
i'll clean my room and i'll do some homework
and i'll feel accomplished.


that's a nice thing to know.




i think i'll crash on the couch tonight
i'm already here and the couch is so inviting...

"if you'd only be the completion of me,

i'd be the closest i can be to alive."

for the first time in eternity, i feel like a functioning, flourishing, loving, lovable, loved person.

self esteem through the roof, holding hands with the lovely boyfriend and bestfriend,
backed up by my girls, my momma...being myself for once was nice.

plus my aunt is coming, and she always makes things better.



i'll never let it go again, being myself...being infinite. i say that, knowing i will let go, but i'm sincerely going to try and tackle all the stress and sickness for the betterment of myself and the people that surround me.

blake and i talked about how our whole lives, we've been waiting, not living. and so i'm going to really live. i'm going to try doing something completely me every day.

chasing a train and climbing an old oil rig and getting a manicure and just doing what i wanted for a day was the nicest gift i could have been given :D
DEFINITELY well on my way to feeling infinite again; i had truly forgotten what this feels like.

today was quite necessary.


"this is who we are, and how we'll stay."

i've begun gritting my teeth

at all times from this outrageous stress.

i think i've been doing it subconsciously for quite some time now,
but only realized it two weeks ago upon waking to an extremely painful lower jaw
and perforation-like marks against the perimeter of my tongue, proof that i had pushed my tongue up against my teeth in my sleep.


and now i can't stop; i find myself with my jaw locked and my tongue pressed against my teeth at least ten times a day, sometimes telling myself to stop then realizing that i've allowed my teeth to clench back together in the milliseconds between noticing each time.


i think it's my body's way of retaliation against the waves of stress it forsees.

ugh
i just want my teeth to stop hurting.


now.

this is for you, Akaky Akakyevitch.

practicing for the psat, i came across this question:

"...His name was Akaky Akakyevitch. No one has been able to remember when and how long ago he entered the department. However many directors and high officials of all sorts came and went, he was always seen in the same place, at the very same duty, so that they used to declare that he must have been born a perpetual titular councillor in uniform all complete and with a bald patch on his head. The porters, far from getting up from their seats when he came in, took no more notice of him than if a simple fly had flown across the vestibule. His superiors treated him with a sort of domineering chilliness. The head clerk's assistant used to throw papers under his nose without even saying 'Copy this' or 'Here is an interesting, nice little case,' as is usually done in well-behaved offices. And he would take it, gazing only at the papers without looking to see who had put them there and whether he had the right to do so; he would take the papers and at once set to work to copy them. The young clerks made jokes about him to the best of their clerkly wit, and told before his face all sorts of stories of their own invention about him. They would enquire when the wedding was to take place, or would scatter bits of paper on his head, calling them snow. In the midst of all this teasing, Akaky Akakyevitch never answered a word, but behaved as though there were no one there. Only when they jolted his arm and prevented him from going on with his work would he cry out, 'Leave me alone! Why do you insult me?' There was something strange in the words and in the voice in which they were uttered, so that one young clerk, new to the office, was cut to the heart, and in those words thought that he heard others: 'I am your brother.'

The response to Akaky's words by the clerk who is 'new to the office' is best described as

(A) confused
(B) mocking
(C) disbelieving
(D) timid
(E) compassionate"

i'm writing this, astounded at the serendipity, as an add-on to a post i began scribbling down in a notebook today...

i write this knowing that you will not read it. still, i won't divulge in full detail, just in case: this is for you.

today i saw a side of you i had never seen before. panicking, wounded by the laughter of a hauty classmate, you lost the cool i've always been jealous of. before reading some insight to your past through comments on a blog we both read, i might not have fully comprehended. but i have seen this sliver of a self-loathing past self, and i watched as you did what you could to defend the intelligence that holds you high above the rest. or at least, it does in my eyes. perhaps it doesn't in yours...a tragedy in the form of self esteem.

the student who called you out was poking fun, but deep down it was meanspirited. i would not have seen it, had you reacted in any less of an explosive manner. frankly, i think that E is a dick, but i am wondering the grudges you two hold. a slip of the tongue was enough to send you throwing pens and pencils. those around me laughed, as those around you sneered. i reached out to you, my companion. you couldn't see. "oh my god"s were mouthed all around; i nearly shed a tear.

because i saw you, self-exiled on that island, from a rowboat on the sea. i have been there, although that was the darkest period of my life--slapping myself as i stared at my swollen, tear-streaked reflection in the 6th grade girls' bathroom.

the answer was e, compassionate, by the way.

compassion isn't quite correct, in my opinion. it's understanding. it's having an appreciation for humanism, for the golden rule. it's having even a thread of decency. it is love towards a fellow man.

so, to you i am writing in a way that i can't voice: i love you for who you are, even if we are not close enough for that. because i was sending you all the love i could, i was watching. they are savages if they choose to laugh at mistake, at emotion.

i understand.

ten goals to self-improvement

recently, i've been terribly unhappy. i'm doing what i can to better my life: spending time with the people who appreciate me, not letting those who dont effect my psyche, trying to sleep more often, making good use of my time, trying to take that time as it comes, complain less...

i'm thinking that the majority of my problems are related to my self-esteem: my hair is much shorter than i'd like it to be, which leaves me feeling extraordinarily insecure, the waistband of the skinnies i FINALLY got back into (from 7th grade, my first pair, my favorites) gets tighter and tighter, i work out and feel amazing about myself until i realize it's all in vain, there are bags under my eyes the size of north carolina, and i'm constantly breaking out--something i've never really had to deal with.
yeah, a lot of this comes with hyper/hypothyroidism, but it's not like i'm carrying around a sign that says "DISEASED! PLEASE EXCUSE ALL AESTHETIC DEFECTS UNTIL CURED!" ...i'm letting myself go, my body is letting itself go, and it's going fast. and that pisses me off.
i'm thinking of dying my hair in a few days, a deep reddish.

anyways
christofer ingle of nevershoutnever! wrote this, and i thought i'd copy.
here's his:

10 GOALS TO SELF-IMPROVEMENT

Build a closer relationship with God.
Beat all addictions.
Read a book each month.
Stay true to my diet/life decision to veganism.
Start running again.
Early to bed, Early to rise.
Study music theory.
Learn five new chords or scales a month.
Practice piano every chance I get.
Write in my journal everyday.

he interests me, and some of these choices actually caught me off guard.
i want that...i figure that if i can't have control over anything from my health to how people view me to the number of hours spent at that hellhole downtown, making a list of ten general things will help me not to stress the little things
so here goes!

10 GOALS TO SELF-IMPROVEMENT

keep my room relatively clean.
depend less on caffeine and more on good sleep.
say no to any more ECAs
eat healthier: more fruit and clif bars, less yearbook concessions
go to every class, including music theatre.
take better care of myself; have an hour of "me" time at least once a week
do homework the night it's assigned
complain less
work on emotional self-esteem rather than wasting hours in front of the mirror
listen to music again. REALLY listen.





in relation to your last post, blake,
i agree with you. simply trying to balance ten classes, a boyfriend, some means of a social life, family, chores, and some regulated emotional state is insanely difficult. it's not that everything is falling apart, it's just that the energy needed to truly be passionate about more than one or two of those things is hard to maintain. J was truly being an ass when he said that, but i dont think he realized that his words would have such an effect on you; then again, maybe he was using some primitive attempt at reverse psychology? the shock value of his words were perhaps meant to spark something within you you'd claimed you were incapable of? i don't know. i probably would have punched him in the stomach, no lie.
just know that you're not the only one experiencing this and that i think hope that it will ease with time. for now, don't be a stranger to your own advice: take your time hour by hour, stop and appreciate what you have.


that's all.
i'll most likely post again sometime soon.
nighty night!

getting labs done tomorrow;

one-month<3.

i'm fairly certain that i really have transitioned to hypothyroidism, although they keep telling me i haven't...therefore the labs. i'm disgustingly tired all the time, i black out left and right, i get confused at the slightest of decisions, my hair continues to fall out [sorry about that last post, it was a bit dramatic to say the least], and i can just feel it.

i also have a theory that i wake up hyperthyroidic and move to hypothyroidic in the afternoons.

i'm absolutely swamped with homework, chores, life.

the only good goings-on is that i'm going to be getting a puppy within the next month, as well as the fact that tomorrow is dylan and i's one-month. i love both of those things; they are literally keep me moving from day to day. also @blake. taking things an hour at a time, rather than a day at a time, is probably the best advice i could have asked for right now. thanks for listening to all of my mindless complaints.

sleep.

crying over spilt conditioner

why is this disease so destructive? why can't i sleep, eat, breathe, act normally? why does everything become so much harder?

i'm telling you, the worst is when your boyfriend runs his hand through your hair only to find a twisted handful of hair caught in between his fingers. dylan always asks me if i'm comfortable, if he's hurting me, if i'm breathing okay. the wreckage this disease leaves me with...twisted braids of free-falling orange strands, bruises the size of baseballs, and having to take a breather from the fireworks i see when he kisses me.


i combed through my hair tonight and wept as i looked at the hair on the floor around me. i feel like a cancer patient. i never realized how much meaning something as simple as hair holds.

i'm trying to convince myself that i'm just procrastinating

but it's so much more.
i'm positive that i've transitioned into the hypothyroid stage of radiation;
i black out almost every time i stand up, i sleep for unhealthy periods of time (i didn't get up until two this afternoon, after going to bed at 11:30), i'm freezing ALL the time, i cant remember things such as where the spoons go in the kitchen and which way is left not to mention school work, ive gained weight despite my insane workout regimen, and i pull out handfuls of hair anytime i touch it.


it is so hard for me to pay attention to the essay i have to write on lord of the flies. i sincerely feel like it would take me until midnight if i were to start right this second.

i'm drifting off to sleeeeeeeep.
ack.

hyper/hypothyroidism and the ocean that is life

my thyroid is going to kill me. rather, it was when i had one. and now apparently my lack of a thyroid is going to kill me. it's intolerably confusing. that's another thing: it messes with one's emotions and thought processes. i should be happy, and i just want to fall off the face of the planet for a few days. and that is creating a rift between dylan and me that i really don't want.

at first i thought i was hurt by him; it was strange because i don't exactly know why, but i felt like i can't possibly compare to his ex of four years. i felt that because he is so much more experienced than me, he would see me as a child. and for some reason, i could not bear to think of him seeing me that way. i have always had an inferiority complex with people i feel are too out of my league to compete with, especially those who are close to me. something just distanced me from him, maybe my final realization that he and his ex were closer than i feel that i can be to him, and i saw him not as my boyfriend but as someone completely unreachable. i worked out some things and realized that i need to focus on my self esteem and try to stay within the realm of reality for a while, but for a few seconds that thought terrified me.

---

if there's anything i've learned from what i have with dylan, it's that the world doesn't stop turning just because your head starts. sure, you're holding each other, but you don't stop moving. life won't pause for you; you have to roll with the punches and try to hold your head above water when your significant other gets taken under by a wave. and your sinuses burn and you can't see clearly and you wonder if you'll ever come back up, but even through all that, it's nice to know that the fingers in between yours are there for a reason.

sometimes

i really just want to delete this and start over.
again.


but i know i won't, not now at least.


so let's just cut to the chase:

i never really knew how awkward french kissing could be;
at first it was quite slobbery,
there were multiple teeth collisions, and
then, of course, there was the fact that
i honestly had no idea what to do with my tongue
until it was too late to turn back.


is this awkward to read?
if so, i honestly do apologize.


next point:

i want to get more honest with this and stop trying to phrase it correctly, or make it sound like i'm some professional author. because i'm not. i made this to document my feelings and simply for the joy of writing.

i want to be able to network, so people can read this and know where i stand without necessarily knowing who i am.
therefore, a new picture is in order.





so,
get ready.

it is so unfair

that i cant tell you how much i really love you.
i love you, but im not in love with you.
not yet.

when you were just my best friend, "i love you" became the departing words.
now that you're my boyfriend as well as my best friend, kisses aren't enough.
there is always a loss for words. and i have no idea what to do with it.


so, until we get there, until i am in love with you on top of just loving you:

i love you, so so much.
but i cant tell you.

what's this?

how is it that i feel your kiss on the top of my head as i curl up in bed?

why is every waking moment spent thinking of you?

what have i done that perfect nights like this have become a part of my life?

how could it be that you could truly be over her?

why do your hugs melt me down to the core?

what cologne do you use for it to still be swirling in and out of my thoughts even days later?

how can someone so amazing as you really, truly like me?

why do i suddenly find myself completely absorbed with how you see me?

how can i possibly deserve this?



i love you as a best friend
but i like you as so much more.

school starts tomorrow [or, more accurately, today]

BARFFFFF!



i would rather die, i think.

i just BARELY finished my english by midnight,
and im only on the first essay of five due after lunch.


why am i ALREADY back into this habit?!

what the fuck did i get myself into?

charming boy. plays jillian, alysha, AND me. sleeps with alysha. tells jillian she's the one he likes most. tells me the same. we converge, find out that we're ALL getting strung along until he can get all three of us into bed.


after a long conversation, he decides that "jillian is just a crush. alysha...she and i were fwb, even though i hate that term. cassie, you're the one i want to be with."

he explained his past, that his first love raped him, drugged him, tried to really hurt him physically and emotionally. he loved her anyways. after that, he just fucked every girl he could. and he cant stop now.


i explained that there would be no thought of sex if i would give him a chance, he likes me romantically. not for my looks, for me.

he agrees.











i didnt promise him a chance with me. i didnt promise anything. i told him to slow it down; alysha would have to dictate when or even IF i could even talk to him.


he asks me to call him, he and alysha are walking to a local bar to get her mom. he keeps me on the phone in front of her; i ask to talk to her.


i can't even describe what her voice sounded like. i dont know what i was thinking even talking to the guy in the first place. i still dont know what i'm going to do.



he's 20, sings in a band. he lives in indiana, but 20 miles fro michigan. thats far away.


i dont know. i told him to have faith. that i have [had? have?] faith in him. he asked me to lunch tomorrow. i said maybe, but was hoping to go.



after hearing alysha, though, i cant stand to even think about him. at all. she sounded SO hurt. so much that i almost cried when i heard her voice. i need her to be okay.


i need for blake [the boy] to stop thinking of me this way, to move out of alysha's house and NOT EVER ask to stay there again, to wait.


but a part of me doesnt want him to wait. not to wait and wait and wait. i want him here for my birthday, for snow, for new years. he was so charming...but charm is always something to watch out for, correct?


so charming, the way he speaks. but the thing is, i have NO REASON TO TRUST HIM, and plenty of reasons not to.

but i still want to talk to him. i still want to know him. i want to be interested in a guy thats interested in me for the first time since last november.





more than anything, i dont want to alienate anyone. and i'm so afraid that i will by talking to blake, especially if he's not looking for what he claimed. especially if i'm just another sucker he can chalk to his list.

help?

MY FAMILY IS A FISTFUL OF ASSHOLES.

that is all.

honestly, my world is so screwed up lately.

i have so much shame,
disappointment,
embarrassment
at my life
and how i cold put so much more effort into it.
how my mother could come down off her high horse.



sometimes i get these gross periods of my life, where i can't change my outfit or look into a mirror or even think about anything relevant to myself
without getting this horrible, sick-to-my-stomach, disturbingly forceful feeling of dread.




and i have no idea why, but i cant shake it for the longest time.

and that just kills me.

tonight i go to bed

not one bit ashamed, with a determined outlook.




i feel so real right now, so human.
like i'm tied to this body for the first tim in a long time

tomorrow,

i'm going to tidy up my room a bit,
clean out my trunk/find/buy/make a bike rack,
blow up my tires,
and drag my ass to the state hospital.



i want to ride my bike.




that is, if i get up before two in the afternoon...

tonight was fucked up.

that's about it. i just needed to post this somewhere my mom cant read. good night.

this blog is NOT meant to be a downer.

[click on pictures to see full size]

i am a people watcher. i always have been. and that doesnt stop when i get on the internet. i was looking at these people. adorable couple, right? the thing is, theyre real people; i know the guy. normal stuff for some people, but not for me. i only know one person who has had as little experience with this kind of thing as i have.

to me, these pictures are like those that hang in museums--pieces of artwork that are completely out of reach to an amateur like myself. once again, this isnt supposed to be depressing or helpless. i've just realized that i hang out with the exact same people all the time. i need to meet new people for something like this to happen; every time i've had feelings for a boy, he has been someone who i have never really talked to or hung out with before. i need to do something about this. i tell myself every summer that i'm going to find someone who isnt someone who pushes their religion on me or plays dungeons and dragons or imitates his favorite singer or wears little pink polos, but i always end up doing the same thing, meeting no one.

on sunday, my papaw asked me in front of my 15-year-old cousin's 17-year-old boyfriend if i had met any guys during my time in north carolina. i had nothing to say except that this creeper had been following me around during my other cousin's graduation.

i attract freaks. thats what i've decided. and i'm not planning on doing one damn thing about it because it's. not. my. fault. that is my solution.



in other news, i've decided that if i cant make it in san francisco i'm going to move to taos, new mexico. people there build their "earthships" out of recycled cans, bottles, tires, dirt, grass, and water. they look SO amazing, and they are completely self-sufficient, using solar heat panels for utilities and filtering rainwater for usage in the restroom and the kitchen. there's climate control with opeing/closing ceiling bits. a lot of the places even cultivate their own organic foods--this seems like an ideal life style to me. and if i dont want to move to new mexico, i'll build one wherever i want to live. google some pictures, then go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earthship



GOODNIGHT! i'm supposed to be awake in 5 hours =/


hah, i forgot to mention...i'm burned past recognition! yayyyy i cant move hah

summer

i keep thinking of things i should write on here, as i feel the need to write. most of the time my entries don't end up as what they started, but i usually feel accomplished at the end, nonetheless.

i just need that spark.



starting my living, my breathing, no ending
i'm falling asleep to dream of you

flying's becoming my new state of being,
i'm leaving all caution behind.



i used this exact quote to end a blog entry i wrote about the beginning of last summer. it doesn't feel like a year ago. i am now an upperclassman. i will graduate in two years, then it's off to college, san francisco, my own life.

but that's not the point of this entry, it's that last year really was my liftoff point. i've found amazing people, i've grown closer to the ones i already had, i've essentially expelled this hated life, depression from my being, and i think i have found who i want to become.


i know, my blog entries are http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=2809036590638458609"either something along these lines, or they are about how my school life has essentially destroyed my morale towards school in the future.

but even though the vast majority of my lovelies will never read this, i'm putting in a silent vow towards how they have really picked me up this last year.

here's to the summer of 2009,
with the blog entry of who i was, and who i hoped to be, last year:

"summer is the ultimate new beginning. you say goodbye to school friends, but grow closer to the ones who will be spending time with you over the summer. you break out those shorts and flip flops, and start worrying about what you eat so that you know that swimsuit will make you look amazing. summer brings the excitement of vacations and new friends, maybe even a new romance along the way. maybe for you, summer brings a new haircut and a new outlook on life. is your birthday this summer? all the better. summer brings a new chapter of life along with it. maybe this is your last summer at home, before you pack up and move across the country to that university. you'll get your first real job, your first real independence, your first car. well, i know what summer is for me. summer is big sunglasses and fire pits. it is holding hands and seeing all of those public school kids you've missed all year long. its being able to dye your hair 10 different colors, because the chlorine will wash it out anyway. its riding in cars with friends who just got their licenses, tube tops, and vans warped tour. summer is a hard drive full of brand new pictures that you dont feel the need to edit. excitement building the pit of your stomach months beforehand, until it becomes unbearable. summer is opening doors to learning new things, like playing guitar or gaining new confidence. summer is the one time where life is life, and that is all. it is the one time where we can totally change ourselves, and everyone is fine with it. summer is the thrill of a new life waiting just at the brink of fall.

here comes summer 2008.
this is it: the start of a new me.

'flying is becoming my new state of being; im leaving all caution behind....'"

dreams, and how they are never complete

i fell asleep with the window open, my futon pushed up to the wall beneath it.

i wrapped myself up in my curtains, much like the canopy that hung over my bed during my childhood.

jackson was michelangelo, and i his mermaid princess, hidden away from all the monsters that he would fight off.
i think i have always loved him.

i let the cold rain fall soft upon my cheeks, listened the hollow sound of the rain smacking against the windowsill as the thunder shook the wall i lay against. i fell asleep to the sound of my own voice;
if i fell,
blackbird,
green finch and linnet bird,
you say,
pen and notebook.

i must admit, singing oneself to sleep is much easier than crying.
it was probably the most peace i have ever felt.




i woke up the the sound of a car crash, six uneven trills on a car horn, the squeal of useless brakes, and then the most sickening crash of metal.

no matter the dream one is emerged in, reality always has to find its way back in,
the sharp end of its wedge always an unwelcome surprise.

i have no idea who i have become, this year

and yet, i feel more certain of who i really am
than i have ever been.

i let this year so causally slip by, as i got lazier and lazier
in the school world, that is.

socially, i have become that butterfly i have always known was waiting
inside
for the perfect situation, this
which is now my life.

i sometimes wonder if this is how it is supposed to be,
if this scholar, whose mold i have been silenced into by my own subconciousness,
is just an excuse to hold me from the real friends,
real self-awareness,
real love,
i have been given in the past year.


no longer are there messages awaiting my approval
in that myspace inbox, every day
repeating over and over,
bitch, fatass, poser
bitch, fatass, poser
bitch, fatass poser, liar.
liar liar liar liar.
liar.
FAT ASS. FAT ASS FAT ASS FAT ASS.

i went and read them all, got myself all worked up.
that's not the point.

the point is that ive got this amazing friend base that can help me through anything
from my mom being a nazi bitch
to my countless car crashes
to my slipping grades
to my need for acceptance
back to my mom being a nazi bitch.

i've learned so much about myself,
who i can become,
my talents and my weaknesses.

i'm now at 196 pounds, from standing at 238 last september.
i dont notice any changes in myself.
not until i look at old photos.
my double chin, the countless pairs of spanx

it's the same way with this new life i have.
looking back through those messages, i still hurt.

but now i've got these lovelies holding my hands the whole time,
and i can face it.

i believe everyone comes to this earth with a mission to learn something.
i'm not sure what mine is, at this point, but i've got a pretty good idea
for the one i needed to overcome, and finally have,: reconstruction.

i've rebuilt this life i once had,
but better, with more knowledges, more defenses.
more people there to support me.





i get by with a little help from my friends...

today

i've rediscovered backseat goodbye,
one of my all time favorite bands who i had forgotten

i just can't even BEGIN to describe to you that feeling,
it's like i've forgotten this huge part of who i am on the side of the highway,
and then driving by one day, happen upon its carcass and bring it back to life.

i sometimes wonder if others feel the same way i do when listening to music; it's that moment in which i want to sing until my throat literally bursts into flames, want to cry my eyes out, want to laugh as hard as i can. it is as though my whole body goes completely numb with emotion.

it's similar to a panic attack, which i often have, but more positive.

it's at these moments that i feel most creative, most empowered, most confident in who i have come to be.

on top of everything else, i've lost my ipod

my one escape is missing.


aside from that, my gpa is currently a 2.6.
not an all time low, but deathly close.

for the quarter:
i have a D for both health and chemistry, which is impossible. i've NEVER had D's before. i have C's in math and spanish.

for the year:
C's in math and chem.
B's in spanish, ap world, ap english, and health.
A's in singers and band. go figure.

i just need to be working on that nightly. i haven't done any homework tonight, nor did i last night.

my brother is sleeping in my room tonight, as my uncle has taken over his room. therefore, the option of crying myself to sleep is no longer option.

also, my lack of sleep has begun affecting (effecting?) my class work; when i'm not sleeping in class, i'm playing catch-up on the homework or notes for the next class. for instance, i slept through math today. never have i slept through that class when we weren't watching videos. i feel horrible--i'm sure my teacher noticed and i drooled all over myself (hah).

anyways, i'm going to get some sleep. arghhh

I just can't stop blogging, it's great

So I'm just going to say that last night was probably the best of my life. It's not like we did anything spectacular--we went to a music venue and sat outside all night.

We didn't stay there the whole time; beforehand we had gone to a golf and fun center which now requires that people sixteen and under must now present a license, or come with an adult, or leave. I was the only one with a license, so needless to say, we left.

Anyways, we drove around downtown for a while--gelato, one way streets, closed businesses. Then we went and picked up my best friend from his house.

The tickets for the concert were ten dollars, so we decided not to buy them. Instead, we opted to go on an adventure. We caused a ruckus at the gas station AND sonic, at which an entire medium mango limeade was spilled on all four people piled into the back seat of my car.

After we left, I drove everybody home and the last person ended up being my best friend, Tyler.

Let me explain Tyler: He's definitely my best friend; I feel closer to him than I've felt to anyone in my life. He's gay. We watch all the same movies, listen to the same music, read all the same books. He plays the viola, so much that he has a constant "hickey" from its contact with his neck. He always wears the same thing--khaki cargo shorts, flip-flops, and a simple t-shirt--every day. I love him more than words can possibly describe. His mom is his hero, which I wish I could relate to. He lives with his grandparents who don't know he's gay--his room is small but covered in snapshots of our friends, us. He doesn't go to my school, so seeing him is rare but cherished. Our usual night out would be gallivanting in target, stealing all of the comfy chairs and positioning them into a circle (with friends) at borders, and getting some coffee at midnight from starbucks.

Back to my story--
We were talking about boys and how we want them. We discussed our crushes and stalkers. For some reason I felt the need to slow down (this is coming from a constant speeder) to just a hair below the speed limit. Cherish him. Cherish myself. Cherish this moment. We began talking about our friendships and why they're so important. "That's why I love our friend group. We're actually polite. We actually care." I told him, exactly. Right as this happened, the shuffle on my ipod chose "with a little help from my friends" by the beatles. How perfect, we agreed. That's exactly what our friendship is. It's perfect moments that can be described with a beatles song. It's looking over at a magnetic wall covered with my face, movie tickets from shared night of across the universe and the curious case of benjamin button. It's faces lighting up at the sight of the other's car, endless hugs and the best advice in the world.

It's all of this an so much more. This is the one reason I will dread graduation. Facebook will keep us connected in the smallest of ways. Christmas will come and we'll both head back to this sleepy little town with the faces of strangers. This is why this relationship means so much to me--that in two short years, we'll be going our separate ways, becoming more and more unraveled with each mile. We both have amazing futures ahead of us, but they point in different directions. Not opposite, but far enough. My last day in this city, I will cry in his arms.

This is why I live in the present; the past is over, and the future, though filled with the opportunities anyone could hope for, brings the beginning of a life alone.

I wrote this on my phone in that car

Alright so on monday, my mom and I were talking about religion and I told her how I sometimes doubt the presence of anything--that maybe we make up religion to cushion death.
I'm not sure of what I believe--at all, essentially. I don't think I fully believe in what I've written above, but I'm not sure that I fully believe in any other religion.
I know what I stand for, and why. I can analyze friendships, relationships--their meanings and their strength. But I can't figure a damn thing out as to what is beyond this life.


I don't know what I assumed she'd say, but she freaked out.
Insinuated that I was not thinking, stupid.

So this weekend I drew an ohm symbol on one of my shoes. Again with the freaking. She asked me if I knew it was a religious symbol, that only a week ago, I was saying how I "didn't believe anything" and now I was "drawing it on my shoe as though it defines me." She just doesn't understand. I guess i'd never thought of my family as particularly religious, but I guess I'm finding out new things about more than just myself.

Aren't the teenage years supposed to be a time of question, discovery? Maybe this is why I'm so excited to get my hands on On Identity. Like I said in a comment to Blake, what I think I really need this summer is to actually understand who I am, or at least get close. This is going to sound stupid, but by watching these sundance movies, rereading all of these books that I read long ago--they meant so much to me before, but I never understood them. In all honesty, by not focusing so much on school (and maybe even by letting my grades slip a little), by building these relationships and unveiling their true meaning, I've found myself more than just a little. And maybe On Identity will help me find this closure I've been yearning for, a hint as to what I really believe in.

its interesting to me that i've posted more than once for two days now..

this blog is all about regina spektor.
if you haven't heard her music, go look for it

done with that?
well here's this,
just watch it all the way through.
so creative.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGTDRztaCCw





i wish i were her, really.

she's so amazing.

today has been so shitty

didn't go to bed til two, studying for a math test which im pretty sure i failed anyway

i fell asleep in chem, wasted tears on a forged community service form, fell asleep in spanish, didn't do my health homework, and like i said, failed a math test.

so basically, my uncle sean is coming to live with us on monday. divorce. i am not allowed to leave my house until both my room and the bathroom my brother and i share
are spotless. get his, my brother's room is about as messy as mine, but he doesn't have to clean it, even though that's where my uncle will be living. i'll probably delve deep into the world of being an older sibling in due time, but im too pissed to waste my energy on that right now.

anyways. im blaring red jumpsuit apparatus, hoping my mom will get bitchy about it. and painting my nails. and decorating my shoes. anything but clean my room.

the big mess is that i realize im doing this to myself--over and over and over again.

i think i'm just in this funk, a sinkhole, that i can't get out of. like i'm just walking along, then one day i climb up a mountain, reach the peak on good days. then somehow, something has to go wrong--i fall of, down to a valley where there are plenty of small hills and just as many sinkholes. then it just starts all over again.

much like china's dynastic cycle--eventually all good things must come to an end with a swooping crash and a spectacular burn. oh, newton if only i lived in your ideal world...

know-it-all

this girl,
she knows.

knows that boy she looks at every day,
with his black hair and hemp necklaces,
who falls asleep every day in ap world history
who drives that beat up mercedes with one sticker
"war is not the answer." this boy is so perfect for her.
he asks questions like,
"what is knowledge?" and won't speak unless his words
come out with power and meaning.
what a beautiful soul, an old one like her.
that boy who she knows has a girlfriend
and still wants him. knowing it's wrong.


knows that a boy she loves
has been dating her former best friend for years,
she imagines kisses and sweaty palms and endless artful moments
sand volleyball competitions, him screaming
"I LOVE THIS GIRL!" with his arm around her,
her replying while his girlfriend, the former best friend,
watches from a distance,
bought a uke and plays cristofer drew songs, but better
who asks for pictures so he can draw her
put her picture up by his girlfriend's
and still wants him, knowing it's wrong.


knows that the one boy who told her she was beautiful,
kissed her hand, held it, for one day.
called her rio, dancing on the sand
who spent hours on the phone with her,
introduced her to marty mcfly and action action,
the scene's eccentric side
was destroyed by her need for society's "approval"
blowing him off with careless words within a myspace message
that boy who she thinks of, even a year later,
and still wants him, knowing she was wrong.


knows all the way back to eighth grade,
the boy who was her first real love.
the boy in dockers, sperrys and polos,
deep into conversation with her,
the girl with ripped jeans, destroyed vans and band t-shirts
how they sat side by side in science,
when he put his hand on top of hers, not
for one glorious minute. helping her,
holding up the volcano that crumpled
beneath their two hands.
who asked numerously if she had feelings for him
she was too afraid to say yes, too selfish to say no.
the boy she thinks of, even two years later,
and still wants him, knowing it's wrong.




but it's wrong.
everything is.

now that i've posted all that mindless junk, here's the real me:

PHYSICALLY:
sixteen years of age, but you wouldn't believe it;
temperment of a four years old.
pretty tall, overweight, undernourished according to the mother.
constantly fatiqued.
lost thirty-five pounds this year, though.
scarred and ruined, but only under her clothes.

PSYCHOLOGICALLY:
periodically clinically depressed.
has wild mood swings and a constant nag of unworthiness.
uselessness.
believes in suicide but is afraid of the pain
nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag
inability to maintain relationships, be it friend, parent or love interest.
procrastinator extraordinaire, you wouldn't believe it.
deep thinker, decent writer, diligent addict
of sleep facebook myspace degrassi david levithan sundance
etc

MENTALLY:
unstable though creative
left-brained completely.
disbelief in everything yet gullible to everyone
easily distracted
powered by music alone.
synesthete, beauty
can't remember a damn thing.

SPIRITUALLY:
disbelieves in the deism of jesus,
honors buddha, confucious, mohammed, jesus, ghandi, all equally
believes that people were born to this life for a reason
therefore
all people are good,
and abortion isn't murder
abhors practiced religion yet longs for her personal "religion" to be the understood,
practiced.
questions god and herself every day

SOCIALLY:
keeps few close friends,
wonders how she hasnt screwed herself with them
yet




but is working on it, day by day.

Jan 7, 2009. 11:05 pm

i dyed my hair back to rainbow,
got a haircut yesterday :]


i also fell asleep while doing my chem homework
so i forgot to write
whoops


anyways
i went rock climbing today, for 2 hours,
& set up my first month of membership !
woo

except
my whole body hurts haha

ive got to figure out a program for pe class that i can accomplish by myself
at the gym

:D

should be fun!

i figure i can get 5 or 6 hours in every week
which is more than whats required for gym.

so hopefully i can have experienced climbers grade me on courses and such
because ill need to have tests bi-weekly
and then my final can be rock climbing on real rocks, eeeeeeek

im scurred just to think of it
but thats why im doing this,
to stretch myself
while also getting fit
and completing a gym credit

Jan 6, 2009. 12:19 am

too much homework,
already.
on the first day back. ayyy

plus it was sooo fucking cold
and i think i left a light on,
that the battery in my car died.

brennan, a kid at my school, had to push my car over to his
(i chose the corner parking spot, inaccessible from all angles)
while i steered.
in 20 degree weather.

i felt HORRIBLE
but it all worked out.
i got a new battery, as the one in my car was nearly killed
it was 10 years old, ewwww!




hopefully im getting a haircut tomorrow.
getting the rainbow dye back in FINAlly.
its been months
and i miss it

dying jillians hair tomorrow too.
she used to keep it black,
but shes having me lighten it to almost blonde.
odd, huh?
anywaysssssssss

and im also making hats,
with the help of new knitting needles :D

ive almost finished the first for karinne, my friend from iowa,
and then i just have to make ones for
jillian, blake, anne, alysha, and myself

gahh
business.
i did almost no homework tonight,
and i feel bad.

oh well, ill do some at jillians
and then some while im getting my hair dyed :D


im tired, peace

Jan 4, 2009. 11:35 pm

after a luxurious 16 day winter break,
school starts up again tomorrow.

thank god its a bday, though..
i dont think i could deal with english class.

anyways.
i was paid $300 for watching william last week
but ive got no idea what to spend it on.

the other time i had a lot of money for myself,
i blew it all on clothes for my american girl doll.
i dont want to do something like that again.

and ive donated large sums of money to charities before,
but call me selfish,
i dont want to do that this time.

im thinking ill just put it in the bank,
collect interest on it while i wait for something important to do with it.

which reminds me
hopefully this summer i'll be visited by my german exchange student from last year and his friend.
if all goes well, they will stay for a month or two.
my friends and i have planned a day trip to st. louis if they are able to come,
leave at 4 am, drive there, go up in the arch as soon as we get there, and then head over to six flags with my best friend katie.
sadly, we'd have to leave early in order to get back home before or around midnigh

but it would be really fun, you know?
and i could put my money towards that.

also towards a pair of climbing shoes
and a few months membership to the local rock climbing center.

maybe one day this week i can go and price used shoes while im climbing

which reminds me..
back to resolutions.

another is to keep a food diary
and to work out every day starting tomorrow.

the plan is, after school im going to:
go pick up jaime, my brother,
drop him off at gamestop while i buy a book for english class and get coffee with a friend,
go home and finish a poster due for english class and read a chapter in the ap wold history book,
then work out for 20 minutes before dinner and pottery class.

;ijbegvijnws
im too tired
im going to bed :]
toodle oo

Jan 4, 2009. 12:12am

today i dropped william off in louisville,
with his parents.

its odd, being able to watch a movie and eat cheesecake while blogging
with the lights on
in my room,
with no baby.

his crib is still there
its empty
and its sad


i also went and saw the curious case of benjamin button
good movie
but also sad

also
my brother emptied his closet recently
sorted out boxes from our move, nearly 2 years ago
anyways
i found a sketchbook today
on my dresser

i think its his
but my parents must have thought it was mine

im excited to break it in



school starts in 2 days.
im not ready.

Jan 3, 2009. 1:05 am

wow,
daily blog is going to get a bit tedious after a while,
i almost forgot today.

turns out the tam i was working on flopped--i did a single increase instead of a double increase on the 9th row
and i gave it up.
it wouldnt even fit william, my 2yr old cousin


anyways, ive begun a new hat,
another fair isle tam.
its reallllly awesome
so far

BUT
ive messed up 2 rows,
and ive had to take them out completely.

i should quit procrastinating,
maybe then id have time to mess up a hat or two
and not have to worry about getting it to the desired person
before they leave town for a month,

tomorrow is my last day with william,
the family is driving to louisville to drop him off with his parents.
i cant believe a week went by so fast,
im gonna miss him.

im thinking of finding another place to blog,
more public.

anyways
thats all for tonight

Jan 2, 2009. 1:25 am

its a new year today

im giving up my vices.
for real this year.


no day but today.






im watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
and im inspired
and i think its really sad

im making late xmas presents for my best friends,
matching fair isle tams in 4 colors