tonight i go to bed

not one bit ashamed, with a determined outlook.




i feel so real right now, so human.
like i'm tied to this body for the first tim in a long time

tomorrow,

i'm going to tidy up my room a bit,
clean out my trunk/find/buy/make a bike rack,
blow up my tires,
and drag my ass to the state hospital.



i want to ride my bike.




that is, if i get up before two in the afternoon...

tonight was fucked up.

that's about it. i just needed to post this somewhere my mom cant read. good night.

this blog is NOT meant to be a downer.

[click on pictures to see full size]

i am a people watcher. i always have been. and that doesnt stop when i get on the internet. i was looking at these people. adorable couple, right? the thing is, theyre real people; i know the guy. normal stuff for some people, but not for me. i only know one person who has had as little experience with this kind of thing as i have.

to me, these pictures are like those that hang in museums--pieces of artwork that are completely out of reach to an amateur like myself. once again, this isnt supposed to be depressing or helpless. i've just realized that i hang out with the exact same people all the time. i need to meet new people for something like this to happen; every time i've had feelings for a boy, he has been someone who i have never really talked to or hung out with before. i need to do something about this. i tell myself every summer that i'm going to find someone who isnt someone who pushes their religion on me or plays dungeons and dragons or imitates his favorite singer or wears little pink polos, but i always end up doing the same thing, meeting no one.

on sunday, my papaw asked me in front of my 15-year-old cousin's 17-year-old boyfriend if i had met any guys during my time in north carolina. i had nothing to say except that this creeper had been following me around during my other cousin's graduation.

i attract freaks. thats what i've decided. and i'm not planning on doing one damn thing about it because it's. not. my. fault. that is my solution.



in other news, i've decided that if i cant make it in san francisco i'm going to move to taos, new mexico. people there build their "earthships" out of recycled cans, bottles, tires, dirt, grass, and water. they look SO amazing, and they are completely self-sufficient, using solar heat panels for utilities and filtering rainwater for usage in the restroom and the kitchen. there's climate control with opeing/closing ceiling bits. a lot of the places even cultivate their own organic foods--this seems like an ideal life style to me. and if i dont want to move to new mexico, i'll build one wherever i want to live. google some pictures, then go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earthship



GOODNIGHT! i'm supposed to be awake in 5 hours =/


hah, i forgot to mention...i'm burned past recognition! yayyyy i cant move hah

summer

i keep thinking of things i should write on here, as i feel the need to write. most of the time my entries don't end up as what they started, but i usually feel accomplished at the end, nonetheless.

i just need that spark.



starting my living, my breathing, no ending
i'm falling asleep to dream of you

flying's becoming my new state of being,
i'm leaving all caution behind.



i used this exact quote to end a blog entry i wrote about the beginning of last summer. it doesn't feel like a year ago. i am now an upperclassman. i will graduate in two years, then it's off to college, san francisco, my own life.

but that's not the point of this entry, it's that last year really was my liftoff point. i've found amazing people, i've grown closer to the ones i already had, i've essentially expelled this hated life, depression from my being, and i think i have found who i want to become.


i know, my blog entries are http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=2809036590638458609"either something along these lines, or they are about how my school life has essentially destroyed my morale towards school in the future.

but even though the vast majority of my lovelies will never read this, i'm putting in a silent vow towards how they have really picked me up this last year.

here's to the summer of 2009,
with the blog entry of who i was, and who i hoped to be, last year:

"summer is the ultimate new beginning. you say goodbye to school friends, but grow closer to the ones who will be spending time with you over the summer. you break out those shorts and flip flops, and start worrying about what you eat so that you know that swimsuit will make you look amazing. summer brings the excitement of vacations and new friends, maybe even a new romance along the way. maybe for you, summer brings a new haircut and a new outlook on life. is your birthday this summer? all the better. summer brings a new chapter of life along with it. maybe this is your last summer at home, before you pack up and move across the country to that university. you'll get your first real job, your first real independence, your first car. well, i know what summer is for me. summer is big sunglasses and fire pits. it is holding hands and seeing all of those public school kids you've missed all year long. its being able to dye your hair 10 different colors, because the chlorine will wash it out anyway. its riding in cars with friends who just got their licenses, tube tops, and vans warped tour. summer is a hard drive full of brand new pictures that you dont feel the need to edit. excitement building the pit of your stomach months beforehand, until it becomes unbearable. summer is opening doors to learning new things, like playing guitar or gaining new confidence. summer is the one time where life is life, and that is all. it is the one time where we can totally change ourselves, and everyone is fine with it. summer is the thrill of a new life waiting just at the brink of fall.

here comes summer 2008.
this is it: the start of a new me.

'flying is becoming my new state of being; im leaving all caution behind....'"