oh, sundance.

how i've missed you.

regulation

that's what it's all about.


my thyroid is FINALLY back to normal.
well, it's hyperthyroid (i'm pretty sure), but that means that i'm closer than i've been in forever.

i went to the library today, got a few books and a foreign film i've been lusting after for quite some time. and some books on dadaism. i paid off my fines and got a new card. this weekend, i cleaned my room and my car. i feel on top of the world.

today was so so good. i feel so so good.

what i realized today:

for the first time in a very VERY long time, i want things.
i want a new phone, the ipad, a quality camera, more puppy things, hair dye out the wazoo, new furniture, new clothing, new shoes. i want acrylic nails and i want to lose weight and i want to secrete indie vibes. i want to do my hair and makeup before i go to school. i want to learn, i want to finish my homework and then research things i don't know about. i want to read. i want to learn how to do a cartwheel. i want to look into dylan's eyes forever, i want to touch his ears, his wrists, his stomach. i want to watch him when he sleeps. i want to play with gitsy for hours and hours. i want to up and walk out of school. i want to steal street signs and spraypaint the science center and i want to eat subway cookies. i want to talk to people. i want love is the higher law and will grayson, will grayson. i want to drive to indianapolis to watch banksy's film with a girl i ABSOLUTELY hated six months ago. i want to thrive again. i have drive again.

this is what progress feels like.
this is what recovery feels like.


it's quite sad, actually.
i've been living for over a year, wanting nothing but to get by.
to fall into my bed at night and get enough sleep to get me through the next day.
i have been living a numb existence for a year now.

all i'm saying is,
you don't realize how much you've lost until you get it all back.

mountains v. molehills

my aunt's house was broken into, robbed of everything of value, and completely trashed. she already struggles so much just to get through from day to day. it's not fair.

somehow it just makes my problems seem so superficial.







i really just want to jump in the car and drive to north carolina right now.

i'll be so glad to escape this city

escape who i am,
who i want to be,
my family,
this dumb routine,
my attitude,
my school,
my responsibility,
my life

just for a little while.

spring cleaning

is a task, but i feel awesome when i walk around my house now. except that my feet are constantly damp from the just-cleaned carpets.


i went to a show at wired last night...it was really great. i think that i forget how much i miss listening to live music when i go so long without it. especially when it's a network of people who uphold the same value system as i do; alla' them straightedge powerpoppin' boy-and-girl band members and acoustic guitar slingin' peacemongers are really genuine, and i feel like i fit in with them.

kainan was there. it was nice to have someone to converse with when dylan was doing his thing on stage. i think i always saw kainan as such a self-assured person; it was interesting to see him standing around like an awkward sardine like me when everyone else was doing something for the show.

i've been reconnecting with some old friends, and it feels really great. lots of positive feedback, so i guess i'll keep it up.

good weekend. i feel a hundred times better than when it started.


ps. i commented you back, in case you didnt see it. i'm sorry for handling it through blogger when i could have done it a little more eloquently. i remember feeling attacked back when we had that tiff in july, to get on here and see an angry blog. i think i wanted you to feel that a little, but i shouldn't have carried it through.

anyways. i don't want it to be tense tomorrow in tok. i'd say let's forget it ever happened, but i needed to say some of those things. so let's just forgive my being an ass about how i confronted you. cool?

It's great to know your true feelings about me.

Really.

After not having said anything to me in the past 3 days, except to blow up in my face in art class and then work with your back to me all of class.

You didn't have the right to blow up at me like that. I knew that you weren't mad at me, so I let it go. But it's been three days.

Which I guess wouldn't be such a big deal if what went down at lunch today didn't happen. But it did.

After failing to sign Kaleen onto being treasurer, I offered to run with you. Sure, it'll be fun to run as an administration with my friends. And you ignored me. So I offered again, repeatedly, and you talked over me to Kaleen. About how you needed someone in hl math to be treasurer, so that they could "actually look at large numbers and put them together" or something like that.

What the hell. Thanks for the vote of confidence. But really, thanks so much for letting me know what you actually think of me. I don't measure up to you and your intelligent friends, I get it. And instead of listening to me, instead of saying ANYTHING directly to me, you tried to let me know in a comment to kaleen that I couldn't possibly qualify for the position of treasurer because, I guess, us standard level math kids don't know how to add past double digits. And it was up to you to decide that for me. Well I guess I'm done with being the retarded kid of our relationship.

This makes me question everything. It pisses me off and hurts me that now I can't look back at our relationship and see anywhere where we were equals. How you and your boyfriend expect to live together, to stay together for x amount of time, yet whenever I bring that up about me and dylan, you dismiss it. How hl math makes your life so much harder than mine. How you always mothered me, and for some reason, I put up with it. How I'm never invited to anything you do with Caleb and them.

I don't want to lose you as a friend. But I don't know what else to do, because I can't do this to your face without saying something I don't want to. I feel like you walk over me because you don't think I'll walk away from our friendship, but I don't want to be abused.

And maybe some of this is a misunderstanding on my part, but I don't feel like I did anything to you. Were you pissed because I talked to Jillian during art after you got angry and put your headphones in? Was it my agreeing with Mrs. Goodridge on the collage idea? What the hell did I do? Because I just don't understand.



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In other news, I'm tired of dumb people on formspring. And I'm sick.