Friday, January 27, 2012
help
i did it to help you
i did it to save your life
i did it to make sure you got the help you need
you say that i'm hurting your family, but i'm not. i'm simply unmasking the hurt that was already there and that needed to be known.
someday you will be better. someday you will look back on this and hopefully you'll be able to forgive me.
your life is more valuable to me than your love for me, so if i have to sacrifice that i will, because you deserve life.
i did it to save your life
i did it to make sure you got the help you need
you say that i'm hurting your family, but i'm not. i'm simply unmasking the hurt that was already there and that needed to be known.
someday you will be better. someday you will look back on this and hopefully you'll be able to forgive me.
your life is more valuable to me than your love for me, so if i have to sacrifice that i will, because you deserve life.
Monday, January 23, 2012
unpacking
i moved back into my dorm last night and, with katie not coming back until tomorrow, i've had the luxury of being able to go through all of my things in peace and at my own pace. it's funny; i've been throwing out a lot of what used to define me and stumbling across little journals i've written through the years on scraps of paper. honestly i was feeling way down in the dumps about coming back up, but it has been absolutely lovely. liz, my RA, caught word that i'd moved in and dropped by for a hug, as did michal. dan came to my room as soon as he got off the plane and we watched intervention & talked for a while while he ate chinese chicken and I cleaned. seriously, his visit completely turned my mood around. it's good to feel like i have a community here, especially after i was left feeling disillusioned after break. several more of my friends get back tomorrow, and i can't wait to see everyone.
anyways, back to the things i found in unpacking. a journal entry from my senior year, during the week-long break dylan and i took at the end of november (how strange it feels for it to have been almost 14 months since then):
"'blood bank.' it strikes me how picturesque the scene being sung is. Makes me think of D even though I really don't want to. Things are different now, much harder. It's like part of this book I read tonight, something about how ignoring something is so much harder than the blessing of ignorance--that it takes effort. That nothing is quite as pure because of that effort: that's how I feel...did I fall out of love? Am I just holding a grudge? ...I feel as though I had been somewhere else, and all of a sudden i'm back on earth, all of my figurative baggage hurtling towards the earth beside me. Whatever this feeling is, it's bittersweet--I may have ost a new love but I found everything that I used to love, everything that makes me who I forgot I am...What happened to the days when books were my best friends? The words that inspired me are still there, but I'm not. And that is scary to me, I think."
and this one, from my last birthday weekend:
"This weekend was so great for me. I went to Lotus and had a wonderful time catching up with my best friend. It had been about a month since we had seen each other, but it honestly felt like three. I was so happy to see her and meet her new friends. Dylan came, too, and then we drove back up to Chicago and spent a night in the cutest little bed and breakfast in Bucktown. Things are so good for our relationship right now. We've shared new experiences that have made us so much stronger. My mom sent me a cake for my birthday (oh yeah--turned nineteen on monday!) and I shared it with friends in the common room. Nearly everything was perfect. I can't believe how lucky I am. I don't think I've ever been happier in my life."
It's surreal how different everything is now, and yet I've found incredible peace in the changes life has recently brought. I've scrubbed my dorm from ceiling to floor, so tomorrow i'm going to wake up, go for a run, and run some final errands before katie gets here. I've got a photoset due on Friday, and I'm incredibly happy with how my pictures came out. I can't wait to show them to my class, and see my friends (TJ, Sam, Emma, & Jake) and their work.
As Sam and BB's mom reminded me as I left town: "Windows of opportunity are everywhere. Windows, windows, windows!" Things feel good, and I can feel that the future is bringing some great things for me. Windows!
anyways, back to the things i found in unpacking. a journal entry from my senior year, during the week-long break dylan and i took at the end of november (how strange it feels for it to have been almost 14 months since then):
"'blood bank.' it strikes me how picturesque the scene being sung is. Makes me think of D even though I really don't want to. Things are different now, much harder. It's like part of this book I read tonight, something about how ignoring something is so much harder than the blessing of ignorance--that it takes effort. That nothing is quite as pure because of that effort: that's how I feel...did I fall out of love? Am I just holding a grudge? ...I feel as though I had been somewhere else, and all of a sudden i'm back on earth, all of my figurative baggage hurtling towards the earth beside me. Whatever this feeling is, it's bittersweet--I may have ost a new love but I found everything that I used to love, everything that makes me who I forgot I am...What happened to the days when books were my best friends? The words that inspired me are still there, but I'm not. And that is scary to me, I think."
and this one, from my last birthday weekend:
"This weekend was so great for me. I went to Lotus and had a wonderful time catching up with my best friend. It had been about a month since we had seen each other, but it honestly felt like three. I was so happy to see her and meet her new friends. Dylan came, too, and then we drove back up to Chicago and spent a night in the cutest little bed and breakfast in Bucktown. Things are so good for our relationship right now. We've shared new experiences that have made us so much stronger. My mom sent me a cake for my birthday (oh yeah--turned nineteen on monday!) and I shared it with friends in the common room. Nearly everything was perfect. I can't believe how lucky I am. I don't think I've ever been happier in my life."
It's surreal how different everything is now, and yet I've found incredible peace in the changes life has recently brought. I've scrubbed my dorm from ceiling to floor, so tomorrow i'm going to wake up, go for a run, and run some final errands before katie gets here. I've got a photoset due on Friday, and I'm incredibly happy with how my pictures came out. I can't wait to show them to my class, and see my friends (TJ, Sam, Emma, & Jake) and their work.
As Sam and BB's mom reminded me as I left town: "Windows of opportunity are everywhere. Windows, windows, windows!" Things feel good, and I can feel that the future is bringing some great things for me. Windows!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
tumblr
tonight rob kelly messaged me, telling me that he likes my blog and asking if we'd met before
how lovely.
how lovely.
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