better.

just a little. stayed up until now knitting, oops. tomorrow's gonna be rough in tok...

skeleton key

things are very bad and I'm almost positive that you can't see it.

I don't know what to do.

I really hate myself right now.

I've been sitting in front of the tv, staring at the two poems I'm supposed to write an essay on, since 8. It's 11. I'm going to be up late. Fuck my liiiiiiife.

I saw something today

that made me glad not to be friends with who I used to be friends with; Ellyce--this really sweet, sincere girl in my grade who I had always respected before today--completely made an ass of herself in Spanish class today. We were given fliers for a Day of the Dead celebration on Halloween where there will be fun stuff like Spanish scrabble, sugar skull decorating, chips and salsa, etc. and were talking about it. I mentioned that I hoped it wouldn't be run by Sra. Razor and her Honduran friends because it'd be so awkward, and Taylor said that no, Sara Joest and her mom are running it. WE kept talking, and I said I was probably going to go anyways because I want to decorate a candy skull and I LOVE Day of the Dead. Ellyce was like, "Well, it's probably just going to be you and Sara Joest playing Spanish scrabble hahahahahaha" and I was like "...bitch" (in my head, of course). Meanwhile, Jacoba looked at Ellyce's flier. At the bottom, Ellyce had written "...put on by Sara Joest! DON'T GO!!!" Jacoba rightfully called her out on this, telling her to erase it because someone might see it. Ellyce got really defensive and was like "maybe I'll give this to Sara...we have next period together. LIKE I'D LET ANYONE SEE THIS OR DO THAT. Geez, Jacoba." And Taylor and Jacoba were just like "...you really need to erase that before someone else sees it. You'll get in a lot of trouble and besides it's rude."

It was just weird to see Ellyce acting that way, especially in her reaction. I seriously think it has something to do with the fact that she's been hanging out with Jillian and Anne and Tyler, who are absolute bitchdicks about that shit. Blake and I make fun of people, but they MAKE. FUN. OF. PEOPLE. They're assholes. And the sad thing is, I recognized in Ellyce things that I know I've done and said. I'm so glad to have my head out of my ass now. Those are the types of things that remind me I don't miss them as friends.

an expansion on that last post:

i'm terribly unhappy because i'm terribly exhausted.
i've been in a rut the past week and a half--my eyes have hurt almost every day to the point where i'm scared to drive, my sleep patterns are ridiculously fucked up, i keep forgetting to take my medicine, which puts me in a fog so i keep forgetting to eat and do my homework.

I am frustrated with how exhausted I am, which is making me unhappy.

i'm terribly unhappy

and i don't know why.

Weekends like this,

ones that are generally pretty great because I get to see him for several hours at a time but are marred with a cloud of stress and back-breaking amounts of homework to follow that bliss, frustrate me to no end.

It should probably make me happy that we manage to find the time we do, but it doesn't. I find myself literally outraged with our circumstances, which are nothing more than youth and overcommitment. Any time I put words to it, it sounds almost ridiculous, but it's the easiest thing in my heart: I want white sheets on a king size bed. Our bed. In Our house, with hardwood floors and open windows. With Our own denim couch. I want no commitment, no classes, no phones. The option to lie in bed all weekend, should we choose. I want to have hot green tea while he sleeps with his arm across my waist and his hair a mess. I want to wake up, some day, to the sound of Our children running down the hall, the scent of baby, and crayons on the floor. I want never to miss him again, never to sleep without him. I want this and everything else.

I'm ready for that, and it just seems so unfair that we have to say goodbye every night. I just want to curse time, slap it around a bit. It seriously pisses me off. Depresses me. Maybe it's just something within me that has things wrong, but it feels exactly the opposite. I know that there's still the rest of this year, and then college, and then who knows what. But if I had my way right in this moment, that's how it would all play out in the end. He and me, together.