Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
christmas
my family did christmas on Christmas eve this year, and it was really a great night. I really got nothing big, except $500 in my bank account and TWO pairs of doc marten's, but the experience was lovely. my mom got me this shirt that was $90 and is beautiful, and some worry rings. tomorrow we'll go up to martinsville, where I'll be until Monday until my shift.
tonight I watched my parents kiss for the first time since my mom was in the ICU at Mayo Clinic two years ago. literally. my mom says they've been talking things out, and it's working. Everyone in my family got amazing and valuable gifts (a 7-quart mixer and jewelry for mom, a chainsaw, iPhone 4, and printer for dad, a whole new wardrobe for jaime, and my expensive clothes and shoes) and no one has to give presents back so we can pay the bills this year. my dad might get a promotion at work, my mom is considering some different job options, and jaime is back on good terms with his friends and isn't hanging out with trashy girls anymore. things for my family are the best they've ever been, and i'd be a fool not to sit back and soak it all in while i'm home.
tonight I watched my parents kiss for the first time since my mom was in the ICU at Mayo Clinic two years ago. literally. my mom says they've been talking things out, and it's working. Everyone in my family got amazing and valuable gifts (a 7-quart mixer and jewelry for mom, a chainsaw, iPhone 4, and printer for dad, a whole new wardrobe for jaime, and my expensive clothes and shoes) and no one has to give presents back so we can pay the bills this year. my dad might get a promotion at work, my mom is considering some different job options, and jaime is back on good terms with his friends and isn't hanging out with trashy girls anymore. things for my family are the best they've ever been, and i'd be a fool not to sit back and soak it all in while i'm home.
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
I've been pretty much happy but there are moments, usually several times in an hour, where I remember and the shock of it sends me into tears again.
I'm trying to be nice.
I'm trying to both give and take space.
I'm trying not to let myself get consumed with sadness.
the thing is, I don't know which feelings were mine and which were mom's or Blake's or Amy's (not that it matters if it feels right) but right now I don't know what feels right or wrong or otherwise, and that scares me.
the thought of never sharing a kiss, a bed, a week together makes me cry. but just because things weren't bad doesn't mean they were good.
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
this is so hard
I've been pretty much happy but there are moments, usually several times in an hour, where I remember and the shock of it sends me into tears again.
I'm trying to be nice.
I'm trying to both give and take space.
I'm trying not to let myself get consumed with sadness.
the thing is, I don't know which feelings were mine and which were mom's or Blake's or Amy's (not that it matters if it feels right) but right now I don't know what feels right or wrong or otherwise, and that scares me.
the thought of never sharing a kiss, a bed, a week together makes me cry. but just because things weren't bad doesn't mean they were good.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
things are so unbelievably difficult right now
coming home was supposed to bring relief and rest.
so far:
i was late to work on my first day back
i bled through my favorite panties and pantyhose 3 days early while at work
had the worst cramps ever for the majority of my shift
didn't eat until 10pm tonight even though i worked an 8 hour shift because i forgot my debit card
talked with amy and felt even more hopeless about my relationship/life/whatever
fought with my mom
cried so hard for so long that my abs and throat still hurt
missed ihop with ivy and coba and dustin
self-pity ate almost a pint of lic's choco-cremes
got sick because i ate so many choco-cremes
and i just don't know.
dylan and i are fighting and pushing back at each other.
he wants things to be better, to keep buying christmas presents and just be apart from each other. but i think i need space. i think parts of me are still broken or at least bruised and i can't go rushing back into this.
all i want is him--to feel his hot skin against mine in bed, to play with his hair in the bath, to lie in bed while he makes egg tacos in his boxers. seeing him at work today was so hard. i forgot that we weren't together for a moment, when one of his earrings was falling out. reflexively i tucked it back into his ear and i don't know what happened. it was just hard.
he was wearing a shirt that was too big for him and had put his nose ring back in. he wore toms. i dont know why i feel like it's important to put these here but i do.
i just don't know how to feel and it's the most confused i've ever felt.
so far:
i was late to work on my first day back
i bled through my favorite panties and pantyhose 3 days early while at work
had the worst cramps ever for the majority of my shift
didn't eat until 10pm tonight even though i worked an 8 hour shift because i forgot my debit card
talked with amy and felt even more hopeless about my relationship/life/whatever
fought with my mom
cried so hard for so long that my abs and throat still hurt
missed ihop with ivy and coba and dustin
self-pity ate almost a pint of lic's choco-cremes
got sick because i ate so many choco-cremes
and i just don't know.
dylan and i are fighting and pushing back at each other.
he wants things to be better, to keep buying christmas presents and just be apart from each other. but i think i need space. i think parts of me are still broken or at least bruised and i can't go rushing back into this.
all i want is him--to feel his hot skin against mine in bed, to play with his hair in the bath, to lie in bed while he makes egg tacos in his boxers. seeing him at work today was so hard. i forgot that we weren't together for a moment, when one of his earrings was falling out. reflexively i tucked it back into his ear and i don't know what happened. it was just hard.
he was wearing a shirt that was too big for him and had put his nose ring back in. he wore toms. i dont know why i feel like it's important to put these here but i do.
i just don't know how to feel and it's the most confused i've ever felt.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
a low point
i was so stupid last night. i didn't even drink that much, and what i had was diluted, but i realized when i was throwing up and crying that the medicine i'm on for a mild infection does crazy shit when combined with alcohol. and i took a dose right before heading out.
i slept in my friend emily's room last night with sam, and i'm glad i did. even though emily and i are not the type of personalities that mesh enough for us to be incredibly close, she knew that i needed not to be alone last night for my emotional state, and sam brought me water and offered to walk me back down to my room, should i have decided to sleep alone in my room.
this is a weird place to put this, especially after having decided that i'm going to try to be unlonely...i guess everyone has these moments. here's the thing: i don't regret the amount that i drank. though i hadn't had quite that much, but i did not have a lot. alea didn't drink and she mixed all of ours to make sure we would be okay. i sat right there and watched her pour, over the course of a night, about 7 shots worth. mixed and diluted. i don't regret the way i felt. tipsy, buzzed, whatever. i got out my conte crayons and drew (what i now realize are) beautiful portraits of my close friends here. i had a lovely night. i don't even regret texting you. i told you the things i didn't have the guts to say sober, and, though lubricated, what i said was 100% true.
i regret picking up the phone when you called. because i couldn't even get through the first "hello?" without bursting into tears. the wall that i had so carefully constructed came crashing around my ankles with the sound of your voice. i'm not sure why i picked it up--i was afraid you'd be mad at me, i guess. that you could see that i wasn't okay.
but i was. aside from the nausea i was okay. and it wasn't appropriate of me to cry on the phone with you like that. we're separated because we needed to be independent, work on our own issues. and here i was, no control, crying with you on the phone at 4 am. and i'm sorry for doing that to you.
i woke up to lovely snowfall. i only got a few hours of sleep, but they're the best i've had in the last week, probably because i was in the company of friends. and today i'm happy. i'm spending the morning cleaning my dorm before my dad gets here and watching joan of arcadia. i'll call you later today, when you have had time to wake up. and apologize, sober. because i think it's important. because it is important.
i slept in my friend emily's room last night with sam, and i'm glad i did. even though emily and i are not the type of personalities that mesh enough for us to be incredibly close, she knew that i needed not to be alone last night for my emotional state, and sam brought me water and offered to walk me back down to my room, should i have decided to sleep alone in my room.
this is a weird place to put this, especially after having decided that i'm going to try to be unlonely...i guess everyone has these moments. here's the thing: i don't regret the amount that i drank. though i hadn't had quite that much, but i did not have a lot. alea didn't drink and she mixed all of ours to make sure we would be okay. i sat right there and watched her pour, over the course of a night, about 7 shots worth. mixed and diluted. i don't regret the way i felt. tipsy, buzzed, whatever. i got out my conte crayons and drew (what i now realize are) beautiful portraits of my close friends here. i had a lovely night. i don't even regret texting you. i told you the things i didn't have the guts to say sober, and, though lubricated, what i said was 100% true.
i regret picking up the phone when you called. because i couldn't even get through the first "hello?" without bursting into tears. the wall that i had so carefully constructed came crashing around my ankles with the sound of your voice. i'm not sure why i picked it up--i was afraid you'd be mad at me, i guess. that you could see that i wasn't okay.
but i was. aside from the nausea i was okay. and it wasn't appropriate of me to cry on the phone with you like that. we're separated because we needed to be independent, work on our own issues. and here i was, no control, crying with you on the phone at 4 am. and i'm sorry for doing that to you.
i woke up to lovely snowfall. i only got a few hours of sleep, but they're the best i've had in the last week, probably because i was in the company of friends. and today i'm happy. i'm spending the morning cleaning my dorm before my dad gets here and watching joan of arcadia. i'll call you later today, when you have had time to wake up. and apologize, sober. because i think it's important. because it is important.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
a much-needed new look and title
the title has needed to be changed for a while now, probably about a year or so when I outgrew my no one-will-ever-love-me phase. I am not lonely. I am a loner by nature, and although having been in a relationship for the past two and a half years has made this newfound aloneness feel isolating and lonely, it isn't. i'm actually looking forward to spending more time by myself, getting to know who i am. living in chicago has changed me and i've barely noticed because i've been so wrapped up in dylan and a life i left back in southern indiana.
when i went back to visit my mom, i went to school with her. i was very anxious to see one of the male kindergarten teachers who works at west terrace; a teddy bear-like man of native american descent, he walks with a peace and knowledge about life that i admire. (before i left for chicago, i spent one of my last nights in the west terrace office. any time anyone came in and asked me about college, my mom would burst into tears. when he came in it was the same, and i told my mom not to cry. he said "don't say that; telling her not to cry takes away her right to having that emotion. let her cry.") upon seeing him in the hallway he took one look at me, turned to my mom and said, "she looks like a city girl. even the way she holds herself is different. she belongs there."
so here is to discovering what it is to be alone (as in single and geographically isolated, of course... don't think for a minute that i've forgotten the countless people in dorm rooms across the country and back home in evansville to whom my heart will always be tied) and not for a moment be lonely.
when i went back to visit my mom, i went to school with her. i was very anxious to see one of the male kindergarten teachers who works at west terrace; a teddy bear-like man of native american descent, he walks with a peace and knowledge about life that i admire. (before i left for chicago, i spent one of my last nights in the west terrace office. any time anyone came in and asked me about college, my mom would burst into tears. when he came in it was the same, and i told my mom not to cry. he said "don't say that; telling her not to cry takes away her right to having that emotion. let her cry.") upon seeing him in the hallway he took one look at me, turned to my mom and said, "she looks like a city girl. even the way she holds herself is different. she belongs there."
so here is to discovering what it is to be alone (as in single and geographically isolated, of course... don't think for a minute that i've forgotten the countless people in dorm rooms across the country and back home in evansville to whom my heart will always be tied) and not for a moment be lonely.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
on being on a break & waiting for a break
there are five days left until winter break, and it has been about the same amount of time since dylan and i decided to go on an indefinite break in our relationship. that being said, going home is more than going to dylan; going home means endless ihop dates with my gay bitches (haha), snuggling with gitsy and drinking green tea in the brown chair on cold nights, starbucks and long drives with blake, driving along to music, earning a paycheck, being with family. i am still excited to be home.
that isn't saying that dylan's recent visit here was horrid; we talked a lot, had tea in the bath and watched movies like normal. we enjoyed the weekend, knowing it might be the last. there were, and still are, moments so bittersweet that i'm left reeling, trying to determine at all what i'm feeling and if it can even be classified as an unambiguous emotion. today is the first day since he has been gone, but things aren't hard yet. like i told him to do, i'm finding personal victories in the small things: my humanities teacher gave me full marks on my final papers and left a note telling me how "gifted and thoughtful" of a student I am and jumped at the chance to write me a letter of recommendation for an RA position next year, i bound my own book last night for class and i'm incredibly proud of it, my friends ate my cupcakes stale and still told me that they loved them, pretty much everyone on my floor helped me with materials last-minute so i could bind my book (eric with a staplegun, dan with black paper, meredith with needle and thread, katie with direction) willingly and lovingly, which was one of the first times i felt like i were among real friends and not just neighbors in a foreign place.
little things like this are helping. and being alone isn't necessarily hard--i have so much to do this week, i'm hoping that it will breeze by and I can spend a lovely weekend with my dad before going home. I have to bake cupcakes, finish my poster, clean the dorm (so katie can move in tomorrow!), and edit my video for core, all tonight. past that, i just have to print my poster & fix my ad for thursday night, and edit two videos by friday for core. then i'll be completely finished with my first semester of college <3
that isn't saying that dylan's recent visit here was horrid; we talked a lot, had tea in the bath and watched movies like normal. we enjoyed the weekend, knowing it might be the last. there were, and still are, moments so bittersweet that i'm left reeling, trying to determine at all what i'm feeling and if it can even be classified as an unambiguous emotion. today is the first day since he has been gone, but things aren't hard yet. like i told him to do, i'm finding personal victories in the small things: my humanities teacher gave me full marks on my final papers and left a note telling me how "gifted and thoughtful" of a student I am and jumped at the chance to write me a letter of recommendation for an RA position next year, i bound my own book last night for class and i'm incredibly proud of it, my friends ate my cupcakes stale and still told me that they loved them, pretty much everyone on my floor helped me with materials last-minute so i could bind my book (eric with a staplegun, dan with black paper, meredith with needle and thread, katie with direction) willingly and lovingly, which was one of the first times i felt like i were among real friends and not just neighbors in a foreign place.
little things like this are helping. and being alone isn't necessarily hard--i have so much to do this week, i'm hoping that it will breeze by and I can spend a lovely weekend with my dad before going home. I have to bake cupcakes, finish my poster, clean the dorm (so katie can move in tomorrow!), and edit my video for core, all tonight. past that, i just have to print my poster & fix my ad for thursday night, and edit two videos by friday for core. then i'll be completely finished with my first semester of college <3
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
back in the windy city
which, even though it's called the windy city because of how much the politicians historically ran their mouths, is incredibly windy. to the point where I had to stop biking up the hill to the art institute and walk my bike to the other side. pathetic!
it's weird being back in the city; it's as though i hold two completely separate lives in two very different places. being back home made me feel as though chicago were a dream, and being back in chicago makes me feel as though home were one. i went directly back into working at solaris in evansville; it was nice, but my break felt like more of a reality check than anything. being back is weird. it's nice to see everyone, though...everyone is sporting the awkwardly short haircuts of college kids whose parents paid for a haircut while they were home. my friends have been warm, and especially after having been gone for over a week, that was nice.
i have 19 more days here, one of which will be spent at a concert with my dad and several others that I will spend doing pretty much nothing (thank god for crit week--half of my classes are cancelled next week, and I'll have hardly any homework!)it should be very easy, once I get past the three papers I have to write about the interior space of the mind and the 8-page art history research paper due on tuesday. I have until tomorrow night to pull together my poster for viscom and my ad for illustration tech, which should be easy. friday is nerve-wracking because it's my performance day at my teacher's gallery, but hopefully all will be well.
hmm
guess that's it!
it's weird being back in the city; it's as though i hold two completely separate lives in two very different places. being back home made me feel as though chicago were a dream, and being back in chicago makes me feel as though home were one. i went directly back into working at solaris in evansville; it was nice, but my break felt like more of a reality check than anything. being back is weird. it's nice to see everyone, though...everyone is sporting the awkwardly short haircuts of college kids whose parents paid for a haircut while they were home. my friends have been warm, and especially after having been gone for over a week, that was nice.
i have 19 more days here, one of which will be spent at a concert with my dad and several others that I will spend doing pretty much nothing (thank god for crit week--half of my classes are cancelled next week, and I'll have hardly any homework!)it should be very easy, once I get past the three papers I have to write about the interior space of the mind and the 8-page art history research paper due on tuesday. I have until tomorrow night to pull together my poster for viscom and my ad for illustration tech, which should be easy. friday is nerve-wracking because it's my performance day at my teacher's gallery, but hopefully all will be well.
hmm
guess that's it!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
I just had sex in a car for the first time
and it was absolute tops
dylan and I are past the honeymoon phase after having sex for the first time when everything is about sex all the time, but not so far out of it as to lose the experience of learning something new about each other when we do.
plus it had been almost three weeks, but it felt like it had been forever.
just wanted to put it out there somewhere, and this is the only real safe place.
back home and it's good; Dylan's family heckled me into coming over for thanksgiving and dylan is coming to my house as well (I think) which will be a great new thing. coming home after being at college is lovely. I get the comforts of home with almost all the same freedoms as I have at college (or at least the ones I want--most I don't need because I have family and gitsy and dylan, and soon I will have blake!)
anyways
3 days until I get to see my best friend again!! <3
dylan and I are past the honeymoon phase after having sex for the first time when everything is about sex all the time, but not so far out of it as to lose the experience of learning something new about each other when we do.
plus it had been almost three weeks, but it felt like it had been forever.
just wanted to put it out there somewhere, and this is the only real safe place.
back home and it's good; Dylan's family heckled me into coming over for thanksgiving and dylan is coming to my house as well (I think) which will be a great new thing. coming home after being at college is lovely. I get the comforts of home with almost all the same freedoms as I have at college (or at least the ones I want--most I don't need because I have family and gitsy and dylan, and soon I will have blake!)
anyways
3 days until I get to see my best friend again!! <3
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
the mania sets in
i just watched the last glee episode (the first time--all about romance and sex and budding love) and earlier, in the common room, saw a preview for a movie about a long-distance relationship and had to keep myself from crying both times.
it's stupid, so so stupid, but my missing dylan is like a wound, ready to peek out from behind its bandaid and bleed profusely at any given moment. i just want him here
it's stupid, so so stupid, but my missing dylan is like a wound, ready to peek out from behind its bandaid and bleed profusely at any given moment. i just want him here
i love my wednesday class because we journal every morning,
and journaling lets me keep up with blake and center myself all at the same time. I feel like I don't journal enough..too much blogging. I don't write enough of the personal things down in a place where i wont be embarrassed by them later and rip the pages out or delete the post.
so i will talk about things that matter.
i miss home right now. i love the city, and i'm pushing myself to a schedule so i don't get hopeless to the point of apathy again (which always seems to happen on tuesday nights, after a 12+ hour day after an all-nighter because i put off my homework for way too long.
but i miss home.
i miss coffee with blake. (i miss being able to catch up in person, to sit in one of our cars and laugh and cry and not care about anything else. i miss being able to share my life with someone. it's been lonely, in that matter. I have friends, but not the kind of friends who actually want to hear the things I need to say to someone.)
i miss dylan. (i miss the carefree-ness, of sharing everything. what i would give right now to be in bed with him, half-naked, just watching a movie. or sitting in the bathtub watching him shower while my conditioner sets. i know these moments were real, but the stark removal of dylan in everything makes me think i made them up sometimes.)
i miss my mom. i haven't been in contact with her much, and i miss her. i have a package waiting for me at the dorm from her, and i can't wait to get out of class so i can open it. i miss my mom and my family a lot.
but i'm busying myself; i'm committing to working out, to eating more healthy, to being better overall.
and it's making things better.
so i will talk about things that matter.
i miss home right now. i love the city, and i'm pushing myself to a schedule so i don't get hopeless to the point of apathy again (which always seems to happen on tuesday nights, after a 12+ hour day after an all-nighter because i put off my homework for way too long.
but i miss home.
i miss coffee with blake. (i miss being able to catch up in person, to sit in one of our cars and laugh and cry and not care about anything else. i miss being able to share my life with someone. it's been lonely, in that matter. I have friends, but not the kind of friends who actually want to hear the things I need to say to someone.)
i miss dylan. (i miss the carefree-ness, of sharing everything. what i would give right now to be in bed with him, half-naked, just watching a movie. or sitting in the bathtub watching him shower while my conditioner sets. i know these moments were real, but the stark removal of dylan in everything makes me think i made them up sometimes.)
i miss my mom. i haven't been in contact with her much, and i miss her. i have a package waiting for me at the dorm from her, and i can't wait to get out of class so i can open it. i miss my mom and my family a lot.
but i'm busying myself; i'm committing to working out, to eating more healthy, to being better overall.
and it's making things better.
Monday, November 7, 2011
in this moment, i am happy
because dylan is here
because i am in love
because my dorm smells like irish spring and apricots; like dylan
because i have my tattoo
(because said tattoo didn't & doesn't hurt at all)
because my fridge is stocked
because my fan is fixed
because nearly all of my homework is complete
because i got new plugs for $2 yesterday
because tomorrow is monday
because i have no classes on monday
because dylan is asleep next to me with a smile on his face
because i am wearing his shirt
because i love my classes
because macy's has their giant christmas decorations up all down the block
because judgement has left my life
because i have never felt closer to anyone as the boy next to me
because my new roommate moves in in two weeks
because my new roommate is actually a cool person who thinks for some reason that i am a cool person
because next thursday i will see morrissey live in concert
because things are getting easier
because i am living in a community of people who appreciate what i do
because things are not normal with dylan here
because it's good to break the routine every few weeks
because things will return to normal when dylan leaves
because daylight savings time means it's only 3am, not 4
because my job as an art student is to self-actualize
because i will have a job that gives me money when i get back home
because i love my job at solaris
because i will be home in 17 days
because people turn to me when they need help
because i am becoming a better person
because i am being healthy
because i love to ride my bike, and it's still warm enough
because i feel big things coming
because i'm making myself be open to the good things in the world, and i didn't for too long of a time in my life
because i am in love
because my dorm smells like irish spring and apricots; like dylan
because i have my tattoo
(because said tattoo didn't & doesn't hurt at all)
because my fridge is stocked
because my fan is fixed
because nearly all of my homework is complete
because i got new plugs for $2 yesterday
because tomorrow is monday
because i have no classes on monday
because dylan is asleep next to me with a smile on his face
because i am wearing his shirt
because i love my classes
because macy's has their giant christmas decorations up all down the block
because judgement has left my life
because i have never felt closer to anyone as the boy next to me
because my new roommate moves in in two weeks
because my new roommate is actually a cool person who thinks for some reason that i am a cool person
because next thursday i will see morrissey live in concert
because things are getting easier
because i am living in a community of people who appreciate what i do
because things are not normal with dylan here
because it's good to break the routine every few weeks
because things will return to normal when dylan leaves
because daylight savings time means it's only 3am, not 4
because my job as an art student is to self-actualize
because i will have a job that gives me money when i get back home
because i love my job at solaris
because i will be home in 17 days
because people turn to me when they need help
because i am becoming a better person
because i am being healthy
because i love to ride my bike, and it's still warm enough
because i feel big things coming
because i'm making myself be open to the good things in the world, and i didn't for too long of a time in my life
Monday, October 10, 2011
oh, chicago
i'm back in my dorm after having spent three lovely nights in my old room, snuggling with my baby gitsy and soaking up the surreal normalcy that was being back in evansville. it's strange to think that a mere 14 hours ago i was lying in dylan's arms in my tiny twin bed, the fall sun leaking through my skyblue curtains casting our blue shadows against the now bare walls.
everything else is normal, though; it doesn't seem odd to me that gitsy is probably fast asleep in jaime's bed, having forgotten that i was ever there, that my room is empty, that my car is filled with my dad's and brother's things, stripped of its trademark bumper stickers. i don't know what to think of that; maybe it's a sign. for now, all i know is that as nice as it was to go home, it feels right to be here without those things i thrived on for so long, and it doesn't always feel right to be here without dylan.
i've adapted surprisingly well to the long-distance thing. i actually really like the personal space, as long as we have good communication (we do) and i get to see him every few weeks (i have). i still miss him, but it's manageable and it's okay. it just doesn't always seem right, and that's what makes me happy, honestly...if it seemed right for me to be here without him, i wouldn't give him the space in my life. amy and i talked for a long time this weekend and she was surprised we were still together, said that the next few months would be the test. she asked me if he was the one, and i hesitated. she said that meant he wasn't, that i'd know. but how can i know something like that? as my first boyfriend, i don't know anything other than the experiences i've shared with him. all i know is that i'm so, so happy when we're on good terms and the fact that something seems off about his not being here makes me know that he's supposed to be a part of my life, at least for now. the thing is, when we fight, sometimes i can't believe i'm with him. at least, that's how it was in the past...i feel like he has matured so much since we first started dating, and the way that he has been acting the past two weeks (applying for job after job, building his portfolio, thinking about colleges, saving money) gives me hope for our future together. i feel as though i can be more open with him about almost everything, which has been good. of course there are the few holds barred from past fights that keep me from openly discussing everything i want to for fear of wrecking this rhythm we've got going, but for now it's okay. i like where we are and where it appears we're going.
even when/if we do break up, i want dylan to be a part of my life. i want to be able to say, hey things aren't good right now. can i crash at your place? and i want him to be able to send me tickets to his first headlining show. i want the lines to be open and not awkward. and maybe that will change with conflicts i'm sure we're going to have in the future, but for now that means something to me.
wow what a rant i'm not even going to read back through it. hope it makes sense
everything else is normal, though; it doesn't seem odd to me that gitsy is probably fast asleep in jaime's bed, having forgotten that i was ever there, that my room is empty, that my car is filled with my dad's and brother's things, stripped of its trademark bumper stickers. i don't know what to think of that; maybe it's a sign. for now, all i know is that as nice as it was to go home, it feels right to be here without those things i thrived on for so long, and it doesn't always feel right to be here without dylan.
i've adapted surprisingly well to the long-distance thing. i actually really like the personal space, as long as we have good communication (we do) and i get to see him every few weeks (i have). i still miss him, but it's manageable and it's okay. it just doesn't always seem right, and that's what makes me happy, honestly...if it seemed right for me to be here without him, i wouldn't give him the space in my life. amy and i talked for a long time this weekend and she was surprised we were still together, said that the next few months would be the test. she asked me if he was the one, and i hesitated. she said that meant he wasn't, that i'd know. but how can i know something like that? as my first boyfriend, i don't know anything other than the experiences i've shared with him. all i know is that i'm so, so happy when we're on good terms and the fact that something seems off about his not being here makes me know that he's supposed to be a part of my life, at least for now. the thing is, when we fight, sometimes i can't believe i'm with him. at least, that's how it was in the past...i feel like he has matured so much since we first started dating, and the way that he has been acting the past two weeks (applying for job after job, building his portfolio, thinking about colleges, saving money) gives me hope for our future together. i feel as though i can be more open with him about almost everything, which has been good. of course there are the few holds barred from past fights that keep me from openly discussing everything i want to for fear of wrecking this rhythm we've got going, but for now it's okay. i like where we are and where it appears we're going.
even when/if we do break up, i want dylan to be a part of my life. i want to be able to say, hey things aren't good right now. can i crash at your place? and i want him to be able to send me tickets to his first headlining show. i want the lines to be open and not awkward. and maybe that will change with conflicts i'm sure we're going to have in the future, but for now that means something to me.
wow what a rant i'm not even going to read back through it. hope it makes sense
Friday, October 7, 2011
homebound
tonight i'm leaving on a train. i'll get back to evansville at midnight.
i'm terribly excited.
i'm terribly excited.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Journaling
For my community based practices class on Wednesdays, we're required to journal every morning for the first fifteen minutes. So far I've just been writing in my notebook, scribbling things down for the first five to ten minutes and then staring at the wall for the last five, maybe sketching if I feel up to it. Some way or another, all of my journal pages end up lost or doodled all over, so I decided that from now on, I'll use Wednesday mornings to update my blog. Here goes!
This week, the sun has returned to Chicago. After three weeks of freezing (okay, fifty degree) weather, walking outside allows you to feel the warmth of the sun on your back, and, being too bleary-eyed to bike a half-mile to my farthest class after a cruel 7 am fire drill (especially cruel because I had gone to bed at 6), I took the train in the morning and walked the city the rest of my day. Biking in a big city means no music; it takes too much concentration from the real feat at hand, facing taxis and buses and darting through pedestrians. So yesterday I enjoyed the city with the sun on my back to the Decemberists. Most of the time in the dorm, Sarah and I share the quiet. Things get too hectic between our tastes in music (hers: Christian ballads, Korean acoustic, and Copeland (which is nice, but not on constant repeat), and mine: well, you guys know best) so most of the time and music is quiet, hummed to ourselves at our desks or played softly at night. Yesterday I turned the volume all the way up and bounced from class to class. It was lovely.
Today I have class from nine to four, and then I'm going to bike down to the grocery store (I never realized how much food, even when you buy it at the grocery store and make it yourself, takes from your checking account. Week by week, I'm always confused as to where my money is going. The answer is always groceries.) I suppose I'll start packing my clothes for the weekend, and finish my cleaning duties for the week. I really should start my core class homework, but I'm telling you: I hate that class. I thought I was going to like it, but I am not a filmmaker. I'm not an animation artist. I don't do audio tracks. I don't like it. Luckily I switch teachers halfway through the class, but still.
Anyways, journal time is over.
This week, the sun has returned to Chicago. After three weeks of freezing (okay, fifty degree) weather, walking outside allows you to feel the warmth of the sun on your back, and, being too bleary-eyed to bike a half-mile to my farthest class after a cruel 7 am fire drill (especially cruel because I had gone to bed at 6), I took the train in the morning and walked the city the rest of my day. Biking in a big city means no music; it takes too much concentration from the real feat at hand, facing taxis and buses and darting through pedestrians. So yesterday I enjoyed the city with the sun on my back to the Decemberists. Most of the time in the dorm, Sarah and I share the quiet. Things get too hectic between our tastes in music (hers: Christian ballads, Korean acoustic, and Copeland (which is nice, but not on constant repeat), and mine: well, you guys know best) so most of the time and music is quiet, hummed to ourselves at our desks or played softly at night. Yesterday I turned the volume all the way up and bounced from class to class. It was lovely.
Today I have class from nine to four, and then I'm going to bike down to the grocery store (I never realized how much food, even when you buy it at the grocery store and make it yourself, takes from your checking account. Week by week, I'm always confused as to where my money is going. The answer is always groceries.) I suppose I'll start packing my clothes for the weekend, and finish my cleaning duties for the week. I really should start my core class homework, but I'm telling you: I hate that class. I thought I was going to like it, but I am not a filmmaker. I'm not an animation artist. I don't do audio tracks. I don't like it. Luckily I switch teachers halfway through the class, but still.
Anyways, journal time is over.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
my roommate broke two of my drinking glasses from ikea
and didn't even tell me. she just left the glass on the counter for me to find. who does that?
and unfortunately enough, a cup from each set broke, so now both of my glass sets are short a cup.
i just
ugh
and unfortunately enough, a cup from each set broke, so now both of my glass sets are short a cup.
i just
ugh
Saturday, October 1, 2011
missing
i'm so ready to go home this weekend. i'm actually skipping out of the last half hour of my friday class to hop a train and come home. i can't wait. especially because i'm sick as shit, i'm not having the greatest time walking/biking anywhere i need to go. it'll be nice to sleep in my own bed, to drive, to just relax and not worry about school. and of course i get to see my family and gitsy for the first time since august, which will be absolutely lovely. so will be having time to hang out with blake and dylan without the pressure of a schedule. plus, i'm taking my summer clothes home (it's constantly freezing here now) and things like books and trinkets i brought & no longer have the time or space for in my life.
it feels good to know that there are people excited that i'm going home.
it's nice to go back.
it feels good to know that there are people excited that i'm going home.
it's nice to go back.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
back to blogging
i'm really trying to get on here more often. i've bookmarked it on safari in hopes that i'll be reminded more often to get on here. i need it. not only do i need to write down how i'm feeling, keep a log of my college experiences, but i feel like this gives me another tie to blake, and how things used to be.
...
i started this last night and never finished, so i'll finish now.
i'm in my core class, waiting for my teacher to come back.
i've been at health services all morning; they thought i had strep, but the test came back negative.
i worked on a video all night for this class, and it turned out much better than i had expected, so i hope i still get the opportunity to show it to my classmates. i'm really proud of it. at first, i felt like i didn't belong here; everyone else is so much more creative and high-fucntioning that i felt out of place in the art/academics side of it all. but exploring things such as audio and video makes me realize that i have a creative edge to things i didn't know about before. (i've started an art blog and i'll link it to here so it all flows together)
anyways. class is starting so im gonna go
...
i started this last night and never finished, so i'll finish now.
i'm in my core class, waiting for my teacher to come back.
i've been at health services all morning; they thought i had strep, but the test came back negative.
i worked on a video all night for this class, and it turned out much better than i had expected, so i hope i still get the opportunity to show it to my classmates. i'm really proud of it. at first, i felt like i didn't belong here; everyone else is so much more creative and high-fucntioning that i felt out of place in the art/academics side of it all. but exploring things such as audio and video makes me realize that i have a creative edge to things i didn't know about before. (i've started an art blog and i'll link it to here so it all flows together)
anyways. class is starting so im gonna go
Monday, September 26, 2011
nineteen
today was my birthday.
it brought new things, opened new doors in my life and in my relationship.
dylan and i skirted around boundaries for so long that i didn't have room even to be nervous (okay, maybe for the first 10 minutes).
it happened, and it wasn't a big deal at all.
things are new, and yet the same as they ever were.
a welcome surprise, dylan decided to stay the night at my dorm, and right now he's doing the dishes from the birthday party i threw for myself (mostly a vehicle for dispensing the large amounts of cake i acquired today and further pushing off the homework i've been dreading doing since thursday night) and making us some omelettes. i should be doing homework.
my mom bought me a kindle, and i was lucky enough to receive not only one, but two electric mixers! (one of them will be traded in for accessories in the coming week, haha)
the past weekend was lovely--i spent it with blake at a world music festival i spent my high school days anticipating, and got to meet the people who are lucky enough to see my best friend's face every day.
anyways
life is good
and i have some freud to be reading
it brought new things, opened new doors in my life and in my relationship.
dylan and i skirted around boundaries for so long that i didn't have room even to be nervous (okay, maybe for the first 10 minutes).
it happened, and it wasn't a big deal at all.
things are new, and yet the same as they ever were.
a welcome surprise, dylan decided to stay the night at my dorm, and right now he's doing the dishes from the birthday party i threw for myself (mostly a vehicle for dispensing the large amounts of cake i acquired today and further pushing off the homework i've been dreading doing since thursday night) and making us some omelettes. i should be doing homework.
my mom bought me a kindle, and i was lucky enough to receive not only one, but two electric mixers! (one of them will be traded in for accessories in the coming week, haha)
the past weekend was lovely--i spent it with blake at a world music festival i spent my high school days anticipating, and got to meet the people who are lucky enough to see my best friend's face every day.
anyways
life is good
and i have some freud to be reading
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Chicago, I love you, but you're bringing me down
I love it here but things are hard right now.
I'm belligerent for no reason.
bitchy. picky. hungry.
I'm not sleeping anymore.
I have headaches all the time.
I don't have a job and my savings are dipping below $1000.
my dorm is out of toilet paper.
it's stuff like this that's driving me over the edge.
that, and the fact that I push everyone away
either that or neglect them.
I noticed it first on Friday, at te derby bout
sitting next to this girl who practically drools over me
(I was excited to meet her, too, after Facebook)
and I was just pissed.
seriously pissed. I wanted to smack her
across the face
every time she opened her mouth.
she didn't do anything
neither did dylan
and yet I'm being a bitch
I don't know what I'm doing to myself
I'm belligerent for no reason.
bitchy. picky. hungry.
I'm not sleeping anymore.
I have headaches all the time.
I don't have a job and my savings are dipping below $1000.
my dorm is out of toilet paper.
it's stuff like this that's driving me over the edge.
that, and the fact that I push everyone away
either that or neglect them.
I noticed it first on Friday, at te derby bout
sitting next to this girl who practically drools over me
(I was excited to meet her, too, after Facebook)
and I was just pissed.
seriously pissed. I wanted to smack her
across the face
every time she opened her mouth.
she didn't do anything
neither did dylan
and yet I'm being a bitch
I don't know what I'm doing to myself
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
i understand that we're both tired
and that I called at 11:45, but it would be nice to get to talk to you on the phone for more than ten minutes at a time, especially when it's been several days since ive seen you and it will be several more until i'll get to see you again. even if we dont say anything. half the time when we're together, we don't have to say anything; why should that change over the phone? this isn't meant to be shitty at all and I don't want you to see this later and be confused as to why I didn't say anything tonight. it was because you were sp happy when you hung up and i didnt want to ruin your night. I just need to put this here. I need you, and I miss you. and I want to be on the phone with you, even if we don't talk for a few minutes in between. I was so excited to talk to you and now I just feel lonely.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
I havent posted in forever
things are good with dylan and I, better than they've been in a long time. maybe ever. things had just settled into a constant, and I liked that. it was just a normal thing, that dylan is in my life and there was no other way it could be type normal. it wasn't like things had gotten boring or passionless, they were steady. and that was good. but now it's like when we were first dating: every thought is consumed by him, no matter what. I'm not really sure what caused this shift, but (although longing to be wrapped in dylan 24/7 isn't the most pleasant feeling because I can't have what I want) I think it's good for us. I like it, for now, and it helps me appreciate more the time we get to spend together.
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