i'm done with this.

for the next five days,
you
do not
exist.

i hate you.

i hate you.
i fucking hate you.

i hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
not even close, not even a little bit,
not even at all.

I can't even believe this day.

on top of Arielle and Katie fighting, on top of the whole thing with Dylan, on top of my lightheadedness and near-white-outs, on top of gettin soaked while trying to get a cab, on top of the awful portfolio review this morning, I got two fucking detentions, 7-10pm Monday and Tuesday.

I got to see strawberry fields and finally had a chance to talk to blake. things are looking wayyy up.

how did things spirl so quickly?

i have no time for anything
my mom is mad at me
my roommates are pissy with the world and are disappointed that i'm not joining them in ripping the RAs new assholes
i don't want to do my pointless pratt work
i have to buy things for art class that i cant afford/find
i'm exhausted and hungry
my teachers were bitches.

no one cares.

this place is the best and worst.

up until last night, i have been completely and totally booked, stressed, and exhausted.
but i guess at the concert last night, things changed. maybe it's just that i'm still hooked on the afterglow of live music and the mass of dancing bodies i was a part of last night combined with the sea spray from the boardwalk, supposed-to-be-but-not-actually alcoholic drinks, and walking barefoot in the sand with a group of people here who actually like me.

i'm just mellow today, which feels like home. i'm so busy here all the time that breaks like this are welcome.

it shouldn't be a break, actually. i have yet to start on my extended essay, and my iwb sits lonely in the bottom drawer of the dressers pratt provides.

but i guess i don't care right now. i'm at sleepaway camp for artists in the greatest city in the world, and all i want to do today is put on some margot, head out to the main lawn, and paint.






b, i'm mailing your letter tomorrow, when the post office opens up. i really hope you like your birthday present! i want to hear more about the wedding...call/text when you get a chance!

hmmm.

today was just an all-around awful day.
i think i'm getting sick, as i can hardly stand. i don't know what it could be, though...i'm just exhausted and in pain all over. i have so much homework to do tonight, too.

all of the kids from jersey, manhattan, philly, connecticut, etc. got weekend releases and are going home. i want to go home so badly i can't even think about it. i can't work on my EE while i'm here; the workload is too intensive and i'll be kicked out/put in detention if i can't keep up. every day of the weekend, we have a trip to a museum and a mandatory event. classes take up all of the sunlight hours and homework takes all of the hours before sunlight returns, and none of the teachers understand that the other teachers are assigning homework, too. it feels just like school did last year, only imagine it during a heat wave with the occasional sticky, humid flash floods.

i miss my friends and my family. i miss my bed. i miss real food and the freedom to choose what i do with my weekend. i'm about to burst into tears right here in the student lab, with the turkish kid Yohai staring at me. it's so much pressure on top of EE and my IWB, neither of which i can even start. i'm so scared.

don't get me wrong, i like it here. i love the people and my classes. i just think something is wrong with me and i don't know what it is.

on the flip side, it makes me happy to see so many posts from you, b. i know your life isn't the best right now, either, but your posts have kept me in the loop at home. i hope that things will slow down for the both of us, or at least that we learn to pick up the pace.

haha on the note, my suitemate katie is the fastest walker i've ever met, and so i now walk insanely fast. you wouldn't believe it; i've already lost an inch off my hips and two off my waist. i don't even recognize myself. i'm all toned and shit from literally running around brooklyn ALL DAY.

pratt!

love my "major," art and design discovery. we're drawing popcorn up close.
don't so much like my foundation class, but whatever i guess. it reminds me of ib art, but with dumb in-class assignments

went into manhattan, the subway lost power, and so i was late for curfew. on the first day. but my parents worked it all out i hope. they took me into manhattan for dinner. amazing mexican food at a very high end-looking place caled rosa mexicana. anyways, it's almost 3 and i have to get up at 7:30!

<333

i am here.

in new york. in my brooklyn dorm. it's too late for me to be up, but i need to write this down before i forget what i'm feeling.

this morning was awful. for some reason i just felt like i didn't belong, like i couldn't leave my family for a whole month, like i couldn't handle four college courses AND my extended essay, like i'll never finish my IWB, etc. etc. i was near tears with agonizing fear. everyone seems so not midwestern.

but things are better now. i met my room mate leah, who goes by LE (her initials (pronounced ellie)). she is jewish and from new jersey. she's going into her junior year, so there's a big maturity gap, but she's the sweetest thing. (when i was in the shower, i left my lamp on and she turned it off, turning her dimmer one on and placing it on my desk instead. she left a note: hope it's okay i turned your light off and turned mine on so that i could sleep and you could still see. see ya in the morning! :)) she's studying fashion design.

LE and my suitemates (the two girls in the room next to ours, connected to our room by the bathroom) are katie and miriam.

katie is awesome. she reminds me a lot of hannah rennels in her looks. she's also from new jersey and is studying graphic design. she's closer to my age, going into her senior year. she listens to the same type of music as i do (big d and paramore!) and is sooooooper nice. i'm really glad she's one of my suitemates.

miriam is so adroable. she's from canada, but speaks with a weird accent, like german or something. she is going into her senior year, too. she's studying architecture. she's so genuine and wide-eyed; i really like her.

everyone is very nice and open.we all split ice dream and doritos from the C shop in my suitemates' room with some girls from the 3rd floor. it was a good way to spend my first night.

i also met a nice boy who is studying architecture. his name is cam and i believe he was from north carolina. we chatted a bit in the lunch line...he was the first person to really be friendly to me, so i like him.

i also met a few more girls from my floor and from the third floor.

oh yeah! i'm in room 520 of stabile hall. it's not an amazing dorm (and the shower is from beyond nightmares), but i can live here for 25 days. it's hot as hell outside, which makes me want to shoot myself anytime i have to leave the dorm.

i think i was just nervous this morning, but for some reason it made me very very angry. i think all of the hipster kids intimidated me, but after seeing a lot of portfolios, i'm not so nervous. i'm proud of my work, and a lot of people find my street art interesting, which is good.

i've yet to go into manhattan, but it was beautiful from the brooklyn bridge last night.

i love it here so far, and i just really hope it stays that way.

anyways, class at 9am.
i'll write more tomorrow, promise! <3cass