too many things

i have too many things to say and i just want to scream them until i get some sort of fucking reaction from you. i dont understand why youre upsetting me this much. i go from hating your guts and realizing how pointless you are in my life and being fine to feeling sad and broken and what the fuck ever, and i cant control it and that's what scares me. you had nothing to lose and i lost it all.

closure

finally got the closure i needed from dylan. after texting him several times earlier in the week regarding our work schedules at solaris and telling him once again that i'm sorry but needed to work at solaris because i had promised amy before he and i broke up that i would work there summers and winters during college, and i'm hard strapped for cash. he responded last night at midnight, 4 days later, saying that he's been over me for a while now and sorry for not telling me when he knew for sure that he was okay like he had promised he would. he didn't keep his promise. and because of that, i've still been worried about what my coming back to evansville was going to do to him, how his progress might suffer and relapse, how things might get bad again. but no, he's been fine while i've been tearing myself apart trying to make this easy for him when he really doesn't give a shit. it just proves that i've always cared more for him than he ever gave a shit about me. and maybe i'm not 100% over him, but i dont think you ever can get 100% over the first person you fell in love with, the person who you gave your virginity, someone who used to mean everything. and i should have taken that into consideration; i wasn't any of those things to him and he was all of them to me.

sleeping with the window open

as though the widened shutters would bring your car along the circle drive and down the street. seein you today confused me, being home when you are here makes me forget my progress and long to be back in November, when I thought for the first time that I might marry you. I need to see my therapist, I need you to say something. anything at all, even spitting hatred would be better than this.

thought that hit me tonight for the first time (surprised it didn't sooner):

if dylan promised to change his ways, if he got on medicine and took up feminism and never ever left me alone when I needed him again, would i start things over with him & try again?