this girl,
she knows.
knows that boy she looks at every day,
with his black hair and hemp necklaces,
who falls asleep every day in ap world history
who drives that beat up mercedes with one sticker
"war is not the answer." this boy is so perfect for her.
he asks questions like,
"what is knowledge?" and won't speak unless his words
come out with power and meaning.
what a beautiful soul, an old one like her.
that boy who she knows has a girlfriend
and still wants him. knowing it's wrong.
knows that a boy she loves
has been dating her former best friend for years,
she imagines kisses and sweaty palms and endless artful moments
sand volleyball competitions, him screaming
"I LOVE THIS GIRL!" with his arm around her,
her replying while his girlfriend, the former best friend,
watches from a distance,
bought a uke and plays cristofer drew songs, but better
who asks for pictures so he can draw her
put her picture up by his girlfriend's
and still wants him, knowing it's wrong.
knows that the one boy who told her she was beautiful,
kissed her hand, held it, for one day.
called her rio, dancing on the sand
who spent hours on the phone with her,
introduced her to marty mcfly and action action,
the scene's eccentric side
was destroyed by her need for society's "approval"
blowing him off with careless words within a myspace message
that boy who she thinks of, even a year later,
and still wants him, knowing she was wrong.
knows all the way back to eighth grade,
the boy who was her first real love.
the boy in dockers, sperrys and polos,
deep into conversation with her,
the girl with ripped jeans, destroyed vans and band t-shirts
how they sat side by side in science,
when he put his hand on top of hers, not
for one glorious minute. helping her,
holding up the volcano that crumpled
beneath their two hands.
who asked numerously if she had feelings for him
she was too afraid to say yes, too selfish to say no.
the boy she thinks of, even two years later,
and still wants him, knowing it's wrong.
but it's wrong.
everything is.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
now that i've posted all that mindless junk, here's the real me:
PHYSICALLY:
sixteen years of age, but you wouldn't believe it;
temperment of a four years old.
pretty tall, overweight, undernourished according to the mother.
constantly fatiqued.
lost thirty-five pounds this year, though.
scarred and ruined, but only under her clothes.
PSYCHOLOGICALLY:
periodically clinically depressed.
has wild mood swings and a constant nag of unworthiness.
uselessness.
believes in suicide but is afraid of the pain
nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag
inability to maintain relationships, be it friend, parent or love interest.
procrastinator extraordinaire, you wouldn't believe it.
deep thinker, decent writer, diligent addict
of sleep facebook myspace degrassi david levithan sundance
etc
MENTALLY:
unstable though creative
left-brained completely.
disbelief in everything yet gullible to everyone
easily distracted
powered by music alone.
synesthete, beauty
can't remember a damn thing.
SPIRITUALLY:
disbelieves in the deism of jesus,
honors buddha, confucious, mohammed, jesus, ghandi, all equally
believes that people were born to this life for a reason
therefore
all people are good,
and abortion isn't murder
abhors practiced religion yet longs for her personal "religion" to be the understood,
practiced.
questions god and herself every day
SOCIALLY:
keeps few close friends,
wonders how she hasnt screwed herself with them
yet
but is working on it, day by day.
sixteen years of age, but you wouldn't believe it;
temperment of a four years old.
pretty tall, overweight, undernourished according to the mother.
constantly fatiqued.
lost thirty-five pounds this year, though.
scarred and ruined, but only under her clothes.
PSYCHOLOGICALLY:
periodically clinically depressed.
has wild mood swings and a constant nag of unworthiness.
uselessness.
believes in suicide but is afraid of the pain
nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag
inability to maintain relationships, be it friend, parent or love interest.
procrastinator extraordinaire, you wouldn't believe it.
deep thinker, decent writer, diligent addict
of sleep facebook myspace degrassi david levithan sundance
etc
MENTALLY:
unstable though creative
left-brained completely.
disbelief in everything yet gullible to everyone
easily distracted
powered by music alone.
synesthete, beauty
can't remember a damn thing.
SPIRITUALLY:
disbelieves in the deism of jesus,
honors buddha, confucious, mohammed, jesus, ghandi, all equally
believes that people were born to this life for a reason
therefore
all people are good,
and abortion isn't murder
abhors practiced religion yet longs for her personal "religion" to be the understood,
practiced.
questions god and herself every day
SOCIALLY:
keeps few close friends,
wonders how she hasnt screwed herself with them
yet
but is working on it, day by day.
Jan 7, 2009. 11:05 pm
i dyed my hair back to rainbow,
got a haircut yesterday :]
i also fell asleep while doing my chem homework
so i forgot to write
whoops
anyways
i went rock climbing today, for 2 hours,
& set up my first month of membership !
woo
except
my whole body hurts haha
ive got to figure out a program for pe class that i can accomplish by myself
at the gym
:D
should be fun!
i figure i can get 5 or 6 hours in every week
which is more than whats required for gym.
so hopefully i can have experienced climbers grade me on courses and such
because ill need to have tests bi-weekly
and then my final can be rock climbing on real rocks, eeeeeeek
im scurred just to think of it
but thats why im doing this,
to stretch myself
while also getting fit
and completing a gym credit
got a haircut yesterday :]
i also fell asleep while doing my chem homework
so i forgot to write
whoops
anyways
i went rock climbing today, for 2 hours,
& set up my first month of membership !
woo
except
my whole body hurts haha
ive got to figure out a program for pe class that i can accomplish by myself
at the gym
:D
should be fun!
i figure i can get 5 or 6 hours in every week
which is more than whats required for gym.
so hopefully i can have experienced climbers grade me on courses and such
because ill need to have tests bi-weekly
and then my final can be rock climbing on real rocks, eeeeeeek
im scurred just to think of it
but thats why im doing this,
to stretch myself
while also getting fit
and completing a gym credit
Jan 6, 2009. 12:19 am
too much homework,
already.
on the first day back. ayyy
plus it was sooo fucking cold
and i think i left a light on,
that the battery in my car died.
brennan, a kid at my school, had to push my car over to his
(i chose the corner parking spot, inaccessible from all angles)
while i steered.
in 20 degree weather.
i felt HORRIBLE
but it all worked out.
i got a new battery, as the one in my car was nearly killed
it was 10 years old, ewwww!
hopefully im getting a haircut tomorrow.
getting the rainbow dye back in FINAlly.
its been months
and i miss it
dying jillians hair tomorrow too.
she used to keep it black,
but shes having me lighten it to almost blonde.
odd, huh?
anywaysssssssss
and im also making hats,
with the help of new knitting needles :D
ive almost finished the first for karinne, my friend from iowa,
and then i just have to make ones for
jillian, blake, anne, alysha, and myself
gahh
business.
i did almost no homework tonight,
and i feel bad.
oh well, ill do some at jillians
and then some while im getting my hair dyed :D
im tired, peace
already.
on the first day back. ayyy
plus it was sooo fucking cold
and i think i left a light on,
that the battery in my car died.
brennan, a kid at my school, had to push my car over to his
(i chose the corner parking spot, inaccessible from all angles)
while i steered.
in 20 degree weather.
i felt HORRIBLE
but it all worked out.
i got a new battery, as the one in my car was nearly killed
it was 10 years old, ewwww!
hopefully im getting a haircut tomorrow.
getting the rainbow dye back in FINAlly.
its been months
and i miss it
dying jillians hair tomorrow too.
she used to keep it black,
but shes having me lighten it to almost blonde.
odd, huh?
anywaysssssssss
and im also making hats,
with the help of new knitting needles :D
ive almost finished the first for karinne, my friend from iowa,
and then i just have to make ones for
jillian, blake, anne, alysha, and myself
gahh
business.
i did almost no homework tonight,
and i feel bad.
oh well, ill do some at jillians
and then some while im getting my hair dyed :D
im tired, peace
Jan 4, 2009. 11:35 pm
after a luxurious 16 day winter break,
school starts up again tomorrow.
thank god its a bday, though..
i dont think i could deal with english class.
anyways.
i was paid $300 for watching william last week
but ive got no idea what to spend it on.
the other time i had a lot of money for myself,
i blew it all on clothes for my american girl doll.
i dont want to do something like that again.
and ive donated large sums of money to charities before,
but call me selfish,
i dont want to do that this time.
im thinking ill just put it in the bank,
collect interest on it while i wait for something important to do with it.
which reminds me
hopefully this summer i'll be visited by my german exchange student from last year and his friend.
if all goes well, they will stay for a month or two.
my friends and i have planned a day trip to st. louis if they are able to come,
leave at 4 am, drive there, go up in the arch as soon as we get there, and then head over to six flags with my best friend katie.
sadly, we'd have to leave early in order to get back home before or around midnigh
but it would be really fun, you know?
and i could put my money towards that.
also towards a pair of climbing shoes
and a few months membership to the local rock climbing center.
maybe one day this week i can go and price used shoes while im climbing
which reminds me..
back to resolutions.
another is to keep a food diary
and to work out every day starting tomorrow.
the plan is, after school im going to:
go pick up jaime, my brother,
drop him off at gamestop while i buy a book for english class and get coffee with a friend,
go home and finish a poster due for english class and read a chapter in the ap wold history book,
then work out for 20 minutes before dinner and pottery class.
;ijbegvijnws
im too tired
im going to bed :]
toodle oo
school starts up again tomorrow.
thank god its a bday, though..
i dont think i could deal with english class.
anyways.
i was paid $300 for watching william last week
but ive got no idea what to spend it on.
the other time i had a lot of money for myself,
i blew it all on clothes for my american girl doll.
i dont want to do something like that again.
and ive donated large sums of money to charities before,
but call me selfish,
i dont want to do that this time.
im thinking ill just put it in the bank,
collect interest on it while i wait for something important to do with it.
which reminds me
hopefully this summer i'll be visited by my german exchange student from last year and his friend.
if all goes well, they will stay for a month or two.
my friends and i have planned a day trip to st. louis if they are able to come,
leave at 4 am, drive there, go up in the arch as soon as we get there, and then head over to six flags with my best friend katie.
sadly, we'd have to leave early in order to get back home before or around midnigh
but it would be really fun, you know?
and i could put my money towards that.
also towards a pair of climbing shoes
and a few months membership to the local rock climbing center.
maybe one day this week i can go and price used shoes while im climbing
which reminds me..
back to resolutions.
another is to keep a food diary
and to work out every day starting tomorrow.
the plan is, after school im going to:
go pick up jaime, my brother,
drop him off at gamestop while i buy a book for english class and get coffee with a friend,
go home and finish a poster due for english class and read a chapter in the ap wold history book,
then work out for 20 minutes before dinner and pottery class.
;ijbegvijnws
im too tired
im going to bed :]
toodle oo
Jan 4, 2009. 12:12am
today i dropped william off in louisville,
with his parents.
its odd, being able to watch a movie and eat cheesecake while blogging
with the lights on
in my room,
with no baby.
his crib is still there
its empty
and its sad
i also went and saw the curious case of benjamin button
good movie
but also sad
also
my brother emptied his closet recently
sorted out boxes from our move, nearly 2 years ago
anyways
i found a sketchbook today
on my dresser
i think its his
but my parents must have thought it was mine
im excited to break it in
school starts in 2 days.
im not ready.
with his parents.
its odd, being able to watch a movie and eat cheesecake while blogging
with the lights on
in my room,
with no baby.
his crib is still there
its empty
and its sad
i also went and saw the curious case of benjamin button
good movie
but also sad
also
my brother emptied his closet recently
sorted out boxes from our move, nearly 2 years ago
anyways
i found a sketchbook today
on my dresser
i think its his
but my parents must have thought it was mine
im excited to break it in
school starts in 2 days.
im not ready.
Jan 3, 2009. 1:05 am
wow,
daily blog is going to get a bit tedious after a while,
i almost forgot today.
turns out the tam i was working on flopped--i did a single increase instead of a double increase on the 9th row
and i gave it up.
it wouldnt even fit william, my 2yr old cousin
anyways, ive begun a new hat,
another fair isle tam.
its reallllly awesome
so far
BUT
ive messed up 2 rows,
and ive had to take them out completely.
i should quit procrastinating,
maybe then id have time to mess up a hat or two
and not have to worry about getting it to the desired person
before they leave town for a month,
tomorrow is my last day with william,
the family is driving to louisville to drop him off with his parents.
i cant believe a week went by so fast,
im gonna miss him.
im thinking of finding another place to blog,
more public.
anyways
thats all for tonight
daily blog is going to get a bit tedious after a while,
i almost forgot today.
turns out the tam i was working on flopped--i did a single increase instead of a double increase on the 9th row
and i gave it up.
it wouldnt even fit william, my 2yr old cousin
anyways, ive begun a new hat,
another fair isle tam.
its reallllly awesome
so far
BUT
ive messed up 2 rows,
and ive had to take them out completely.
i should quit procrastinating,
maybe then id have time to mess up a hat or two
and not have to worry about getting it to the desired person
before they leave town for a month,
tomorrow is my last day with william,
the family is driving to louisville to drop him off with his parents.
i cant believe a week went by so fast,
im gonna miss him.
im thinking of finding another place to blog,
more public.
anyways
thats all for tonight
Jan 2, 2009. 1:25 am
its a new year today
im giving up my vices.
for real this year.
no day but today.
im watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
and im inspired
and i think its really sad
im making late xmas presents for my best friends,
matching fair isle tams in 4 colors
im giving up my vices.
for real this year.
no day but today.
im watching eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
and im inspired
and i think its really sad
im making late xmas presents for my best friends,
matching fair isle tams in 4 colors
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