this is going to be a ride so just hold on (evansville, for the last extended period of time)

back in evansville, back to work, back to memories.

i was reading a post on tumblr about how some famous actor i like (i cant remember who) was saying that men are more romantic than women, that when a man wants to marry someone, he's dead serious about it and commits and she becomes everything whereas women are always looking for what's good enough in order to make a decision to settle, like "oh he's got a good job" or something, and i had one of those mini stab-in-the-gut moments when i felt like i fucked up everything i had with my ex, because what we had was real (at least it was on my end, and i feel like it was on his for the most part) and i broke it off because he was dicking around with his band and blah blah blah and whatever.

but then i stopped myself, and i thought:

1. that's stereotypical bullshit, because while women (in my experience) think this way more than men, i know a lot of men who aren't romantic and do the same thing

2. i didn't break up with my ex because he didn't have a good job or go to college (even though he didn't & doesn't), i broke up with him because when you love someone you don't forbid them from doing things that make sense in their heart, you don't tell them they disgust you for making choices you don't approve of, you make an effort to be there for them when they need you instead of blowing them off/somehow fucking up their important memories, and you sure as hell don't get pissed at them for telling your family when you're about to shoot yourself in the head

3. women are genetically trained to look for the best mate to raise their children whereas men aren't built the same way

i just needed to write all this down. because even though i really am over him finally, every time i come home i think it's inevitable that i'm going to think about my ex. because i think about my adolescence and how this place shaped who i am, my friends and enemies and all the shit i went through. the streets i drove and walked every day, and he was a huge part of that for almost three years.

maybe it's because i'm a libra and i am ruled by venus (love), or because no matter how hard you try you can never forget your first love, or because it really was real. maybe because i'm just not the type of person who lets go easily, and i never wanted to let him go but i had to in order to be who i'm supposed to be.

i am talking to a new guy, a sweet guy who i think has really great potential to stay in my life for a while, and i'm very happy to say that. because at first i was scared to not be alone anymore. but he is sweet and not judgmental and i want to know more about him, which is a new thing for me. and it is awkward and things will take getting used to, but that is what's so beautiful about it all.

learning to not be alone again is challenging, but it's the good kind of challenging and i like it.




(by the way, when someone comes up with a way to record thoughts, i will give an arm and a leg to have it. it seems the theme of my thoughts to writing process is to forget everything that had inspired me to write. it seems that i never have a pen/can't write or stay awake long enough when i'm drunk or exhausted or in the shower or driving home at night and these thoughts play on a loop in my head, and it's starting to get incredibly upsetting)

fuck everything

im tired and have way too much work to do and everything in my life is creating stress for me