sometimes i wonder

sometimes i wonder if there will ever be a guy out there for me who gets feminism. sounds stupid, but it's so fucking important to me and it doesn't mean shit to any of the guys who have made their presence in my life known. even tj. i love the kid to death, but last night he told me that he talked to his ex about his possibly still having feelings for her and she said she still might have feelings for him, too. so you know what he did after that? he asked her how many people she had sex with after they broke up. after he told me he was going to and i told him not to. and then he got upset at me last night for telling him he crossed a line with her. he just doesn't get it. i dont know but lately i'm just not about anyone telling other people what to do or judging them for the decisions that they make. tj chalks it up to "wanting a girl who has standards" and yeah, i might be wary of dating a guy who goes through girl after girl, but if he really liked her that wouldn't matter. and i wouldnt want a guy who asked me how many people i'd slept with to help him decide whether he should date me or not. dan just came over so im ending this rant early, but i'll probably come back to it.

drafting love letters to ex-lovers (happy 200th post!)

to you
you've been on my mind a lot lately, a nagging thought I can't shake, and almost every day I contemplate picking up the phone. you see I watched this film the other day, one that we had always planned to watch together, about love and loss and being away from each other. and for a while that made me miss you. I've been trying very hard not to, and it has been relatively easy to mark the absence where you once were just that: a nameless empty space where something used to be, no dylan-shaped hole in my heart.

I can't being myself to contact you, it'd be cruel and for my own benefit. I just want to know that you're okay without messing up whatever progress you've made, but it's not possible. so I sit and wait to hear from you, dream of the day when you can tell me that you're over me, that all is forgiven, that you're going to start your life. because all I want is for you to be happy and it kills me that you can't be.

I'm so sorry that things couldn't work out, but you have to know as well as I that it wouldn't have lasted. there were things bigger than us at play. and I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you through the darkest of your depression. it still breaks me to this day to imagine how alone you must have felt, and I'm so so sorry. I would never wish that on you. I loved you very much, loved you with every fiber of my being and with all the intensity I could imagine. but sometimes people are only in our lives for short periods of burning bright love or friendship and then diaappear, like meteors. you were my comet and I hope that someday you can forgive me enough to think of me in the same way.

I don't know that we can ever be friends but know that I will always care for you.

things to do when you're drunk

eat dark chocolate and goldfish crackers
listen to mogwai
lie in bed and feel how good the blanket feels when you wiggle a little
be thankful for autocorrect because otherwise this would td be legible

reflections

i used to be madly in love with my best friend, and now it's gone.

i need to speak with my therapist again.

like crazy

tonight I finally watched like crazy, a film about a young couple dealing with the trials of a long-distance relationship that dylan and I had planned on seeing way back last summer before things got hard. and I just can't even believe that I made it the whole movie without crying. of course I'm bawling now in bed, trying not to wake alea up. there were so many moments in the movie that literally parallel parts of Dylan's and my relationship, good and bad. and the ending, it's sadly reminiscent of the last weekend dylan stayed here and we reflected on what our relationship had been.

it just seems so cruel to me, the way love can ebb and flow, and how dylan and I were left victims to love dried up. ugh. this has helped aimed
but I can still feel that tonight is going to be long and
tear-soaked