genetics

i just finished writing a paper i'm really proud of (completely last minute, about fat & beauty and (in particular) this stunning, bizarre photoshoot of priscilla ono for slink magazine) and was stretching my arms and neck, thinking about how happy i am with the paper.

i caught myself in the mirror and saw my dad's self-satisfied grin on my face, a smile i've also seen my three-year-old cousin carter pull when he thinks he's got you tricked.

it just made me really happy. when i was younger, i looked a lot more like my dad than my mom. my hair was straight until my teens, and my natural hair color matches his, not my mom's. i was a total daddy's girl. i still am to some extent, because my dad and i have a connection over music that i don't think my mom or brother will ever understand.

now that i've grown up, people always say how much i look like my mom. sometimes it's just nice to see my dad in there too.

wanting someone

lately i've been feeling lonely, something i really haven't felt for a while. the downer days a couple weeks ago really threw me off kilter & tonight is another low. i'm just tired of holding it all in, of being the only person to really love me in the way that i want to be loved. i'm lonely. and i know i'm not going to find someone i want to be with long term on some idiotic site like okcupid, but i'm not really sure where to look other than that, and it has me feeling helpless. people at my school aren't attracted to me. i'm just stuck in a rut i guess. i'm in no rush, god knows i have forever. i just don't want to be alone right now.