what the fuck did i get myself into?

charming boy. plays jillian, alysha, AND me. sleeps with alysha. tells jillian she's the one he likes most. tells me the same. we converge, find out that we're ALL getting strung along until he can get all three of us into bed.


after a long conversation, he decides that "jillian is just a crush. alysha...she and i were fwb, even though i hate that term. cassie, you're the one i want to be with."

he explained his past, that his first love raped him, drugged him, tried to really hurt him physically and emotionally. he loved her anyways. after that, he just fucked every girl he could. and he cant stop now.


i explained that there would be no thought of sex if i would give him a chance, he likes me romantically. not for my looks, for me.

he agrees.











i didnt promise him a chance with me. i didnt promise anything. i told him to slow it down; alysha would have to dictate when or even IF i could even talk to him.


he asks me to call him, he and alysha are walking to a local bar to get her mom. he keeps me on the phone in front of her; i ask to talk to her.


i can't even describe what her voice sounded like. i dont know what i was thinking even talking to the guy in the first place. i still dont know what i'm going to do.



he's 20, sings in a band. he lives in indiana, but 20 miles fro michigan. thats far away.


i dont know. i told him to have faith. that i have [had? have?] faith in him. he asked me to lunch tomorrow. i said maybe, but was hoping to go.



after hearing alysha, though, i cant stand to even think about him. at all. she sounded SO hurt. so much that i almost cried when i heard her voice. i need her to be okay.


i need for blake [the boy] to stop thinking of me this way, to move out of alysha's house and NOT EVER ask to stay there again, to wait.


but a part of me doesnt want him to wait. not to wait and wait and wait. i want him here for my birthday, for snow, for new years. he was so charming...but charm is always something to watch out for, correct?


so charming, the way he speaks. but the thing is, i have NO REASON TO TRUST HIM, and plenty of reasons not to.

but i still want to talk to him. i still want to know him. i want to be interested in a guy thats interested in me for the first time since last november.





more than anything, i dont want to alienate anyone. and i'm so afraid that i will by talking to blake, especially if he's not looking for what he claimed. especially if i'm just another sucker he can chalk to his list.

help?

MY FAMILY IS A FISTFUL OF ASSHOLES.

that is all.

honestly, my world is so screwed up lately.

i have so much shame,
disappointment,
embarrassment
at my life
and how i cold put so much more effort into it.
how my mother could come down off her high horse.



sometimes i get these gross periods of my life, where i can't change my outfit or look into a mirror or even think about anything relevant to myself
without getting this horrible, sick-to-my-stomach, disturbingly forceful feeling of dread.




and i have no idea why, but i cant shake it for the longest time.

and that just kills me.