i will be driving home as fast as i possibly can on saturday morning & won't be getting back to chicago until close to midnight on monday
i managed to time my trip to where i'll be home when both blake & chantel (with new baby clara who i haven't met yet) will be in town, so that's good
i've been considering extending my reservation and driving home friday morning instead, but it depends how much work i get done today and tomorrow.
i'm really thinking that i might actually be depressed, and i have a feeling that (as long as i get my work done in time) this weekend could do me some good
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Friday, April 25, 2014
crash
any time i spend not singing sad pop punk ballads in the shower or compulsively ordering & devouring $10 pizza boxes is spent sleeping. literally. i've gone to bed at 8pm the past three nights, and today is the first day i didn't sleep all the way until 8am (i slept until 4am, which is still ridiculous)
all i can think about is my mom and how much i hate being in chicago right now. i don't want to do anything. my arm is mega fucked up from my bike crash, i can't even hold anything heavier than my phone in my left hand for a few minutes before my whole arm aches. i'm pretty sure my thyroid is completely messed up again.
this just hasn't been a good week, and the fact that it's following a few really amazing weeks just makes it that much worse.
all i can think about is my mom and how much i hate being in chicago right now. i don't want to do anything. my arm is mega fucked up from my bike crash, i can't even hold anything heavier than my phone in my left hand for a few minutes before my whole arm aches. i'm pretty sure my thyroid is completely messed up again.
this just hasn't been a good week, and the fact that it's following a few really amazing weeks just makes it that much worse.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Crushers anonymous
Hi my name is Cassie & I might actually be interested enough in backup boy for this to become a real thing??
3rd call in the past two weeks that was over an hour long, I get to meet him Friday & I absolutely cannot wait
3rd call in the past two weeks that was over an hour long, I get to meet him Friday & I absolutely cannot wait
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
ugh
i woke up early today, feeling well-rested & ready to face this freezing day, and the gitsy peed on my bed right in front of me, 5 minutes after i woke up. when i changed the sheets, i realized she had also peed at the foot of the bed (last night i'm assuming?)
so of course after changing my sheets and sanitizing as much as i could, i went to go check on the couch, and voila! there's pee. i went and picked gitsy up from her bed to take her outside, only to find out that she had also peed in HER bed.
so instead of spending the day at the field museum, i'm patiently waiting until 9am when i can call the vet & trying not to look at all the google articles telling me that either my dog has a UTI, is so depressed and stressed out that the only comfort she can find is masking her scent in mine, or she's dying. so positive thoughts are appreciated.
so of course after changing my sheets and sanitizing as much as i could, i went to go check on the couch, and voila! there's pee. i went and picked gitsy up from her bed to take her outside, only to find out that she had also peed in HER bed.
so instead of spending the day at the field museum, i'm patiently waiting until 9am when i can call the vet & trying not to look at all the google articles telling me that either my dog has a UTI, is so depressed and stressed out that the only comfort she can find is masking her scent in mine, or she's dying. so positive thoughts are appreciated.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
casual, pt 2
damn. i'm sitting and just thinking about what a whirlwind the past couple weeks has been while i wait to hear back from a client, and damn.
everything with chris happened last weekend, i had my design show, i've been contacted about two different internships, one letterpress and one at an ad agency, i fooled around with another cute boy, i went to parties with my friends, i had a girl's night, came up with a concept for my next letterpress piece, and my client (who i was afraid i wasn't making good work for) just called back and was highly appreciative and open to changing up his style because he liked my work so much.
things have just been good. the design show on friday was absolutely amazing; we set up the show that day and had at the very least 500 people come through. i found my work on instagram, i saw hordes of people walking around with my work, and got to watch people stand in awe of my piece, looking at the tiny bits of lead all glues together. it was amazing. i got more drunk than i should have, but so did everyone else, so it was good. i ended up alone at a bar with a girl in my dept who made me feel like total shit about the whole chris thing ("you shouldn't fuck him, he's too nice, he's slept with xxxx and xxxxx and xxxxx in the department & it never ends up well") but then actually made me feel a lit better about the situation when i told her that i felt like he was way above my level (in terms of design & just in general) and she told me he absolutely doesn't feel that way about me & was super flattered. so that's good.
we ended up texting and agreeing it's probably best not to keep pursuing whatever it was that happened, and i was feeling iffy about it until we ended up at the same party later that night & he gave me a really good, tight hug. it just made everything feel ok again, and im actually hoping we can become closer as friends because of this whole thing.
it's weird, i hadn't watched my tv shows in a couple of weeks & i sat down to watch parenthood today, and one of the characters is having trouble with her husband (they're separated) and she sleeps with some guy she works with, and she doesn't want it to keep going, she goes and talks to him and just tells him thanks for "releasing" her, that she was so tied down & caught up in shit with her absent husband that she needed to let go a little bit, and while she doesn't want to sleep with him again, she is grateful that he was the person who helped her do that. and that's how i feel right now, i guess. because i would never have had the balls to sleep with someone i had just met after my first. it just felt still too sacred, like it needed to matter enough to not be some arbitrary thing. (not that i think it's not sacred anymore, but there was a certain hurdle to jump over first, i think.) so it was good because of that.
and now i'm more open to the fact that this loren guy wants to date me, and i was ok bringing a boy home from a bar just to mess around a bit. and it's freeing. it's like the first time i drank or smoked weed, i feel like i'm now living outside of some weird set of restrictions i had put on myself needlessly. and it has me in a good place to evaluate myself and the choices i want to make when i graduate. like i never thought i would be ok living in a studio/one-bedroom apartment by myself, and now i crave it. i feel more grown up, i feel like i'm capable of making my own Big Decisions when the only thing keeping me back before was myself.
everything with chris happened last weekend, i had my design show, i've been contacted about two different internships, one letterpress and one at an ad agency, i fooled around with another cute boy, i went to parties with my friends, i had a girl's night, came up with a concept for my next letterpress piece, and my client (who i was afraid i wasn't making good work for) just called back and was highly appreciative and open to changing up his style because he liked my work so much.
things have just been good. the design show on friday was absolutely amazing; we set up the show that day and had at the very least 500 people come through. i found my work on instagram, i saw hordes of people walking around with my work, and got to watch people stand in awe of my piece, looking at the tiny bits of lead all glues together. it was amazing. i got more drunk than i should have, but so did everyone else, so it was good. i ended up alone at a bar with a girl in my dept who made me feel like total shit about the whole chris thing ("you shouldn't fuck him, he's too nice, he's slept with xxxx and xxxxx and xxxxx in the department & it never ends up well") but then actually made me feel a lit better about the situation when i told her that i felt like he was way above my level (in terms of design & just in general) and she told me he absolutely doesn't feel that way about me & was super flattered. so that's good.
we ended up texting and agreeing it's probably best not to keep pursuing whatever it was that happened, and i was feeling iffy about it until we ended up at the same party later that night & he gave me a really good, tight hug. it just made everything feel ok again, and im actually hoping we can become closer as friends because of this whole thing.
it's weird, i hadn't watched my tv shows in a couple of weeks & i sat down to watch parenthood today, and one of the characters is having trouble with her husband (they're separated) and she sleeps with some guy she works with, and she doesn't want it to keep going, she goes and talks to him and just tells him thanks for "releasing" her, that she was so tied down & caught up in shit with her absent husband that she needed to let go a little bit, and while she doesn't want to sleep with him again, she is grateful that he was the person who helped her do that. and that's how i feel right now, i guess. because i would never have had the balls to sleep with someone i had just met after my first. it just felt still too sacred, like it needed to matter enough to not be some arbitrary thing. (not that i think it's not sacred anymore, but there was a certain hurdle to jump over first, i think.) so it was good because of that.
and now i'm more open to the fact that this loren guy wants to date me, and i was ok bringing a boy home from a bar just to mess around a bit. and it's freeing. it's like the first time i drank or smoked weed, i feel like i'm now living outside of some weird set of restrictions i had put on myself needlessly. and it has me in a good place to evaluate myself and the choices i want to make when i graduate. like i never thought i would be ok living in a studio/one-bedroom apartment by myself, and now i crave it. i feel more grown up, i feel like i'm capable of making my own Big Decisions when the only thing keeping me back before was myself.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
casual
this weekend was wonderful; i got the balls to tell the guy i've been crushing on that i'm into him, and it went surprisingly really well. he's looking for something more casual & right now i really don't think i can deal with anything other than casual, so it's good. i spent the night at his house saturday night after a literally perfect day & i have no complaints about anything except that sometimes i hate having a girl brain that is going to freak out about the whole thing until i see him again & can judge how he feels about everything & how he acts around me at school.
you know me best, i'm like a fucking suckerfish i get so attached, but i don't want to be that way anymore; it's actually amazing that after just having had sex with someone else, i literally have no emotion about dylan anymore. the last few resentful & hurt bits of me that were clinging for dear life have (seemingly) vanished. so i'm hoping this thing with chris will be good for me. he's really a sweet person & i would be happy taking this further someday if he wants to, after school is over & my thyroid isn't fucked up anymore, but if he doesn't, i've actually also been talking to another guy from okcupid who seems nice & is interested in me. and maybe that situation shouldn't feel different than any of the other guys i've talked to on okcupid, but i don't know. something about this guy feels safe, and i like that he's there in case i get in over my head with chris and need to take a step back to guard myself from getting hurt.
i don't know. i haven't been the most emotionally stable person lately (thanks, thyroid) but i'm proud of myself. i feel like all of this good/new has stemmed from stopping myself from feeling sorry for myself anymore. i have nothing to apologize for. i'm no different than any other human being on this planet; people find me attractive and interesting. i am a creative and beautiful person, and i need to stop looking at myself like that doesn't show. having my physical self esteem in the shitter lately was no good for me, and i didn't realize how scary, almost body dysmorphic i had become about my body image. shit is so much easier when i feel sexy and confident & am not spending every god damn second self-monitoring my appearance in class, and if fooling around with a sweet beardy boy helps me realize that i am physically desirable (because i know my personality is fuckin rad, i don't need help with that ;) ) then i'm perfectly ok with that.
you know me best, i'm like a fucking suckerfish i get so attached, but i don't want to be that way anymore; it's actually amazing that after just having had sex with someone else, i literally have no emotion about dylan anymore. the last few resentful & hurt bits of me that were clinging for dear life have (seemingly) vanished. so i'm hoping this thing with chris will be good for me. he's really a sweet person & i would be happy taking this further someday if he wants to, after school is over & my thyroid isn't fucked up anymore, but if he doesn't, i've actually also been talking to another guy from okcupid who seems nice & is interested in me. and maybe that situation shouldn't feel different than any of the other guys i've talked to on okcupid, but i don't know. something about this guy feels safe, and i like that he's there in case i get in over my head with chris and need to take a step back to guard myself from getting hurt.
i don't know. i haven't been the most emotionally stable person lately (thanks, thyroid) but i'm proud of myself. i feel like all of this good/new has stemmed from stopping myself from feeling sorry for myself anymore. i have nothing to apologize for. i'm no different than any other human being on this planet; people find me attractive and interesting. i am a creative and beautiful person, and i need to stop looking at myself like that doesn't show. having my physical self esteem in the shitter lately was no good for me, and i didn't realize how scary, almost body dysmorphic i had become about my body image. shit is so much easier when i feel sexy and confident & am not spending every god damn second self-monitoring my appearance in class, and if fooling around with a sweet beardy boy helps me realize that i am physically desirable (because i know my personality is fuckin rad, i don't need help with that ;) ) then i'm perfectly ok with that.
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