I miss north carolina.
I miss gravel on bare feet, Popsicles on the back step, waking up to cats fast asleep on my chest.
I miss muddy frogs and holding hands with preschoolers and flashlight tag in true country darkness.
I miss memories of tire swings cut down after one too many injuries, peeing in the woods on long hikes, scaling snake-ridden logs mossy fallen trees behind mamaw's.
I miss foster's, I miss Annie's crazy eyes and wagging butt, I miss sleeping in the backseat while grown-ups wind the van down nameless country roads.
I miss playing poker in the church basement, I miss church.
I miss feeling part of a collective spirit, being healed, communicating with spirit.
I miss mamaw's white house, white down to the painted tv set and lace doilies over end tables.
I miss the way papaw smells, the airbrushed sky in palace pointe.
I miss having my whole family right there at dinner, right there around the bonfire, right there in my heart.
I need to feel the carolina sun on my face, go to biscuitville at 7 am for biscuits the size of dinner plates, to walk barefoot on a beach. I miss my family.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
spring break
so far (one day in) my spring break has been lovely. getting through some weird bronchitis/flu thing, I've been eating chicken soup and resting as much as I possibly can. that being said, today I went to the fabric outlet in Pilsen and then went for a bike ride alongside dan, who was jogging. we just talked and walked and had a good night. at 11:50 he asked me for a favor, and I said sure, and he asked me to kiss him. just once, no strings, just so that he'd have his first kiss before turning 20.
I did (should have considered my sickness--I'll feel horrible if he gets sick) & it helped me realize that I don't like him that way. strange how I got to test the waters without having to commit to liking him. & it's good, because the awkward friends-more-than-friends tension I was feeling can go away now. and because I did it for him and not for myself, it helped me put things in perspective. sometimes (& I hate myself for this) I forget that not everything is about me. tonight was good because it was about pretty much everyone but me. it was nice.
I did (should have considered my sickness--I'll feel horrible if he gets sick) & it helped me realize that I don't like him that way. strange how I got to test the waters without having to commit to liking him. & it's good, because the awkward friends-more-than-friends tension I was feeling can go away now. and because I did it for him and not for myself, it helped me put things in perspective. sometimes (& I hate myself for this) I forget that not everything is about me. tonight was good because it was about pretty much everyone but me. it was nice.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
success
after about a month of feeling completely unable to control of my life, this week has been wonderful. I'm completely caught up (and even ahead!) in all of my classes, and I'm actually proud of the work I've been doing. I can't wait to be home this weekend and relax with momma and gitsy, and of course friends. ivy and dustin and i already have plans for an ihop night, and i'm so fortunate to find out that dylan is out of town for the weekend, so i can go to work and hang out without being nervous about seeing him. i'm so excited to just hang out with my girls from work, and i'm hoping that Steph will have her baby so i can go see it!
Just two more classes and then i'll be on a plane saturday morning, i can't believe it!
Just two more classes and then i'll be on a plane saturday morning, i can't believe it!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
nostalgia
following Blake's post, I've been thinking a lot about nostalgia and te feeling of missing something in my life. I've been lonely lately (I can always tell because I find myself calling both of my parents close to every day, and I know by their voices that they're even tired of hearing from me), which has been really difficult. Things with Isaac aren't what I thought they would be, so I have been contemplating just letting that go. Luckily I think he feels the same way (we haven't talked since Friday) so that shouldn't be a big deal. I tried doing the whole I-kind-of-like-you-but-I-really-just-want-to-make-out-with-you thing and I'm not sure how I feel about it, except that it doesn't fit my life right now. I like being single, not owing my time or energy into anyone but myself, and I'm not going to forfeit those things for someone I don't actually care about. I'm ready to care about someone again, and be cared about.
Which brings me to the point of this post: I think I'm finally 150% over dylan. I don't know when it happened, but I realized today that I don't remember how his body fit against mine or even what he smelled like, only that I liked it at some point in time. I don't think of him when I'm crying and need someone there, or when I'm lonely in my bed at night. I don't remember what it's like to be in love anymore. Only that it was nice and it was good and it helped me grow. And that's sad, yes. But i think it works in the same way that the mind erases past pains. It lets you try again and be swept up in the moment all over again without thinking of the time before, which is comforting. Dylan was a great love of my life and I miss having contact with him, but I'm glad that my brain has erased the bad, erased the hurt, erased the bliss. It's just memory now, a part of me that holds little bias in relation to y other memories.
Another thing about Dylan: I re-read the Little Soul and the Sun, and read the Valkyries by Paulo Coelho, and it occurred to me mid-read (I ended up in tears in the lounge, staring at a children's book) that Dylan and I likely made a pact before life to affect each other in the way we have. One of us chose to be darkness to help both of us grow and forgive, and that makes me so happy. And it makes me able to forgive him and to forgive myself, because I don't know who was playing the darkness. And it was made abundantly clear to me that the reason I fell out of love so quickly (or at least all of a sudden realized it) and why I was able to process so quickly is because my guides made it so. My guides told me I wasn't suppose to be with Dylan anymore, and that's why I did it. Because I knew that no matter how wrong it felt at first, someone was telling me it was right. And I think it was for him as much as it was for me. I think I needed to clear the way for something bigger and better in his life, and that it was time for me to move on. That my process of this breakup wasn't important but his is, which is why it was so quick for me an wont be for him. Spirit works in mysterious ways.
And it helped me remind myself of my faith, of why I NEEDED to get my tattoo even though no one else understood. The women of my family are going to Lily Dale this summer and it's perfect timing. I almost cried when my mom told me. I can't wait. Hopefully I can spend some time in North Carolina, too, take some classes at church, be a part of a few circles. I honestly would like to take next year off just to study under someone, but that can wait until after college when I have more knowledge of myself.
Speaking of church things, remember how I just couldn't drop Jeremy's death? Well, he came through in a reading to my younger cousin Natalie (also a firefighter) just to deliver the message that he was okay. He came through as "someone of Natalie's generation whose name begins with a J and had died tragically very recently," and I find it so fitting that he contacted another firefighter. Nat didn't know who it was, but my aunt remembered hearing about Jeremy's death from my mom, and brought it up. My mom called to tell me in the middle of class and I bawled my eyes out in front of everyone. I'm tearing up now jut thinking of it.
This has sparked so much more in my mind but it's getting late and I have to sleep.
Which brings me to the point of this post: I think I'm finally 150% over dylan. I don't know when it happened, but I realized today that I don't remember how his body fit against mine or even what he smelled like, only that I liked it at some point in time. I don't think of him when I'm crying and need someone there, or when I'm lonely in my bed at night. I don't remember what it's like to be in love anymore. Only that it was nice and it was good and it helped me grow. And that's sad, yes. But i think it works in the same way that the mind erases past pains. It lets you try again and be swept up in the moment all over again without thinking of the time before, which is comforting. Dylan was a great love of my life and I miss having contact with him, but I'm glad that my brain has erased the bad, erased the hurt, erased the bliss. It's just memory now, a part of me that holds little bias in relation to y other memories.
Another thing about Dylan: I re-read the Little Soul and the Sun, and read the Valkyries by Paulo Coelho, and it occurred to me mid-read (I ended up in tears in the lounge, staring at a children's book) that Dylan and I likely made a pact before life to affect each other in the way we have. One of us chose to be darkness to help both of us grow and forgive, and that makes me so happy. And it makes me able to forgive him and to forgive myself, because I don't know who was playing the darkness. And it was made abundantly clear to me that the reason I fell out of love so quickly (or at least all of a sudden realized it) and why I was able to process so quickly is because my guides made it so. My guides told me I wasn't suppose to be with Dylan anymore, and that's why I did it. Because I knew that no matter how wrong it felt at first, someone was telling me it was right. And I think it was for him as much as it was for me. I think I needed to clear the way for something bigger and better in his life, and that it was time for me to move on. That my process of this breakup wasn't important but his is, which is why it was so quick for me an wont be for him. Spirit works in mysterious ways.
And it helped me remind myself of my faith, of why I NEEDED to get my tattoo even though no one else understood. The women of my family are going to Lily Dale this summer and it's perfect timing. I almost cried when my mom told me. I can't wait. Hopefully I can spend some time in North Carolina, too, take some classes at church, be a part of a few circles. I honestly would like to take next year off just to study under someone, but that can wait until after college when I have more knowledge of myself.
Speaking of church things, remember how I just couldn't drop Jeremy's death? Well, he came through in a reading to my younger cousin Natalie (also a firefighter) just to deliver the message that he was okay. He came through as "someone of Natalie's generation whose name begins with a J and had died tragically very recently," and I find it so fitting that he contacted another firefighter. Nat didn't know who it was, but my aunt remembered hearing about Jeremy's death from my mom, and brought it up. My mom called to tell me in the middle of class and I bawled my eyes out in front of everyone. I'm tearing up now jut thinking of it.
This has sparked so much more in my mind but it's getting late and I have to sleep.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
a clarification, and perhaps more confusion?
clarification: what I was talking about in the last post isn't casual sex, more like a short, casual but not "open" relationship. something that definitively has an end date (summer, unless I stay in Chicago, and then fall at the longest)but is still intellectually stimulating and physically involved (at least somewhat), and just gives me someone to talk to. believe me, I would not have let a guy feel me up on the third date if I thought he was a total dillhole. I'm talking a monogamous relationship-ish thing without the stresses of building a future/falling in love.
for some reason, I feel like casual relationship and casual sex are used interchangeably when they are very different. the way I see it: casual sex = no strings attached sex, not monogamous. sex only, nothing morw.
casual relationship = a casual dating type atmosphere, not bf/gf but monogamous. may or may not involve sex.
idk. this is hard to explain. hopefully you can meet him and see how we interact
for some reason, I feel like casual relationship and casual sex are used interchangeably when they are very different. the way I see it: casual sex = no strings attached sex, not monogamous. sex only, nothing morw.
casual relationship = a casual dating type atmosphere, not bf/gf but monogamous. may or may not involve sex.
idk. this is hard to explain. hopefully you can meet him and see how we interact
FWB?
what are the implications of fwb v. a "casual relationship" ?
isaac and i are both at a point in our lives when a long-term or even a serious short-term relationship isn't possible or even desirable. so we are both walking into this fling knowing that we are solely looking for some sort of short-term, committed compassion/passion. someone to talk to, someone to touch, someone to go out with. honestly, in my past i have always thought of the whole fwb/casual relationship thing to be stupid and superficial, but i'm thinking that my point of view might be starting to change. because it's lonely. living in the third largest city in the US is fucking lonely. you don't meet anyone or do anything, and sometimes it's just nice to feel the body heat of another person in close proximity to you.
so my question is: is what i'm doing shameful? am i being selfish in knowing that i am asking isaac into my life knowing that i will never consider him as serious relationship potential? am i being stupid to think that the intellectual and physical satisfaction i get from isaac is enough? does this reflect on my moral standing? (i'm totally tok-ing out here with the morals/ethics debates in my mind) i got back and forth and i've been asking my friends about it. michal thinks that it's great and i should be doing this since i'm in college and i can (but she has a fuck buddy), and emily says she doesn't see the harm. and i honestly really like it. getting to make out with someone who is incredibly hot and is a phenomenal kisser & hasn't tried to push it past where i'm comfortable and thinks that i'm hot is fun, and it's a self esteem boost for both of us. i don't know, there are just so many negative connotations with this idea, which is maybe what is creating this twinge of doubt in my mind.
blake, tell me what you think! we can skype sometime or comment (or both!), but i want your honest opinion, supportive or not. i think people around me are used to the idea, and i need an opinion from back home before i let this go any longer.
isaac and i are both at a point in our lives when a long-term or even a serious short-term relationship isn't possible or even desirable. so we are both walking into this fling knowing that we are solely looking for some sort of short-term, committed compassion/passion. someone to talk to, someone to touch, someone to go out with. honestly, in my past i have always thought of the whole fwb/casual relationship thing to be stupid and superficial, but i'm thinking that my point of view might be starting to change. because it's lonely. living in the third largest city in the US is fucking lonely. you don't meet anyone or do anything, and sometimes it's just nice to feel the body heat of another person in close proximity to you.
so my question is: is what i'm doing shameful? am i being selfish in knowing that i am asking isaac into my life knowing that i will never consider him as serious relationship potential? am i being stupid to think that the intellectual and physical satisfaction i get from isaac is enough? does this reflect on my moral standing? (i'm totally tok-ing out here with the morals/ethics debates in my mind) i got back and forth and i've been asking my friends about it. michal thinks that it's great and i should be doing this since i'm in college and i can (but she has a fuck buddy), and emily says she doesn't see the harm. and i honestly really like it. getting to make out with someone who is incredibly hot and is a phenomenal kisser & hasn't tried to push it past where i'm comfortable and thinks that i'm hot is fun, and it's a self esteem boost for both of us. i don't know, there are just so many negative connotations with this idea, which is maybe what is creating this twinge of doubt in my mind.
blake, tell me what you think! we can skype sometime or comment (or both!), but i want your honest opinion, supportive or not. i think people around me are used to the idea, and i need an opinion from back home before i let this go any longer.
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